Mid-CenturyModernMoms

Regression

I'm starting to tear my hair out about Abe hibernating in his cave.

The deal when he moved home was that he was going to a) keep his room almost as clean as he had to at school, b) use the exercise room, c) go out to events and not just sit around his room playing on the computer and d) keep himself clean.

He was doing great with all of these when he first came home from school and all throughout the summer.  But now that the school year has started, all of these have just fallen off.

I vocally remind him to take his shower and brush his teeth.  Sometimes I remind him when I get a sensory cue, or I see the oil on his hair.

But Abe is close to 6 feet tall, and weighs over 220 pounds, so it's not like when he was a baby and I could pick him up.

One of the things that I'm doing (he doesn't know this yet) is removing him from the advanced (pay for) player category on his multi-player computer game.  He'll be back down to standard (free) level and it won't be as much fun.  Right now, he literally spends 6-10 (or more) hours each day on that game.  Too much!!!  And therefore, he doesn't go to sleep until 2-4 am, and sometimes misses classes.

I had found a social group, a pizza and games night, that he enjoyed.  But this last month, it was just too much work for him to RSVP for it.  He'd rather spend in on the massive player computer game.

If Rosie didn't need the computer/internet access, I'd totally disable the internet each night when I go to sleep.

HELP!!

 

A Writing Issue

Happy Birthday to Abe!!!  He is now 20 years old!!  And I consider it a major accomplishment that this ADHD, Asperger's, NVLD, emotionally disturbed at times kid is in college and doing well.

Well, except in his remedial writing class.

 Abe reports that currently he has an A and 2 B's in his other classes.  But in writing....

Writing has ALWAYS been a problem for him. 

Throughout the semester, I've been asking him how his classes are going, and whether he's been availing himself of the resources that he needs- especially for writing.  And supposedly, all was okay.  But then he told me otherwise.

And he won't let me help him.  And he wouldn't take himself to the writing center.

Last week, I had an old friend over for dinner.  I had forgotten that she was a special ed. teacher in a college- actually working with much more severely handicapped kids.  So after dinner, she sat down with Abe for a little bit of time and gave him some pointers on how to get his ideas out.  And then, the following night, he told another friend of ours about this and she gave him some encouragement to go utilize the writing center- or failing that, ask me to get him a private writing tutor.

So we'll see how it goes now.

I don't want him to have this as a failure to his confidence.  And once he can get through these mandatory writing classes, he won't have to deal with this again in his chosen area of computers.

New Beginnings

The new Jewish year has truly been a new beginning for our family.  In the same week as Rosh Hashanah, Abe started college and Rosie started her junior year of high school (read the crunch year).  And in the few weeks before that, the car that Abe had been driving quit and we had to get a new old car for him quickly, and there was a quick trip to California for a wedding. Rosie continued seeing and her camp boyfriend and Ora started a relationship too.

So a lot has changed for us.  Hopefully you'll excuse me for not having written in a few weeks.

Abe is doing pretty well at college, but he just got hit with a writing assignment- and writing is NOT his strength.  He got one paragraph done on it and then sat spinning his wheels.  I suggested that he go to the writing lab for help in between classes, but he instead went off to find a quiet place.  I'll have to find a way of getting him to get the help he desperately needs for writing.

This isn't a new problem, by any means, but I don't think that he realizes how big a problem it really can be even for someone in engineering or computers.

Rosie is already stressed out by school.  To start with, she didn't get into the ceramics class that she wanted.  She hates the teacher that she got and hasn't been able to transfer to the one that she likes.  Turns out that almost everyone is transferring out of this teacher's class!

And now she's going to transfer down out of Honors Biology into standard college prep Bio.  She thinks that she's a failure and is comparing herself against friends who are in 4 Honors classes, while she'll only be in Honors Math.

Considering that math was NOT my best subject, I'm pretty sure that my little girl will still get into top rated colleges and be able to study whatever she wants to do.  Something that she's not at all certain about right now.  But in her, I see myself at that age- certain that my life choices depend on the choices that I was about to make right at that time!

Another new beginning, was the wedding that we went to in California.  It was totally stressful to just go for the weekend, but we didn't want to miss more of work or school.  But the wedding was wonderful (if not exactly our style) and we love the groom (a cousin) and are growing to love the bride.  And it was great to see so much family all in one place- including a 100 year old patriarch!

But our beginnings have been hectic.  I hope that the next few weeks settle down a bit.

The Start of Starting College

My baby is growing up (waaah). {Hush up, silly lady, your baby is 19 years old, almost 6 feet tall and over 200 pounds, of course, he's all grown up.}

But Abe is starting to do things that he needs to do / get before starting college in the fall.

We went to the wireless store and got him a cell phone.  A simple, basic model was what he wanted.  No texting (although maybe eventually GPS).  I showed him how to program some numbers in it, but he hasn't been much interested in playing around with it (unlike Rosie).

He received (from me, thank you) a laptop computer and a cool, red, wireless mouse.  But so far, computers are for playing games on and the desktop has a large screen.  We haven't even loaded the software package yet!

He took himself to the college and took his placement tests in the disability services office (I'm going to have to figure out a shorter name for that place). And then he called up (with some prompting) to get his scores and made an appointment to go in there and pick his classes.

Figuring out how to pick classes at a school is always an adventure! And I'm wondering when I'll get the tuition bill!!

And he's getting himself up and to where he needs to be at the correct times (with a little guidance from mom)- at least in the mornings.  Since we've been home from vacation he's had 2 doctor's appointments, the placement testing, the class picking, a group orientation and his construction helper's job.

So far, I'm giving him organizing hints.  He'll let me know when he doesn't need them anymore (probably loudly). 

I'm so proud of him!!!

Another Graduation Story

It really is that season- of reading all about graduations.  Last week was Abe's graduation.  He is supposed to get a diploma from the city that we live in, and they had their graduation a few weeks ago, but this one, from his boarding school for the last 2 years, is the one that means the most to him, and to all of us.

 

The ceremony itself was short and sweet; it was finished in under an hour.  Abe was first in line coming in and first to get his diploma (alphabetically).  He was also recognized as being one of the few to make it to the highest, most independent level.  Actually, I was the one who pushed for this level to be instituted based on Abe's internship.

The speeches both from the 3 graduates that talked and the staff included acknowledgement of all the hard work that the parents put in, also.  Being an advocate for a special needs child is not an easy task.

All the staff will miss him but they all agreed that this past year he has made tremendous gains and really is ready to take on the challenges of a small college.  A larger school might still overwhelm him, but he is starting out at a community college and living at home- so that I can still give him lots of guidance.

Even while other graduates were shucking their cap and gown, Abe retained his; he was so proud of being able to wear it!.  Family and friends came from near and far to mark this day.

His grandmother came from California...

 

His grandfather came from Maryland...

And family and friends came from Minnesota and western Mass. and close to us in Newton.

But the day wasn't over yet.  Now for the sadness. 13 months ago Abe and Rosie's dad died.  So with all the family gathered together, and with the additional of even more local friends, we went to the cemetary for the unveiling, the dedication of the tombstone.  It was a very emotional moment for both of the kids, but for me, it was just another task checked off.  I don't hate him anymore and I can remember a lot of the good times, but I don't feel any emotional connection there.

But then it was back to celebrating for Abe and back to the condo and more food and more people dropping by.

Then it was time for Rosie to get back to camp (another long story) and us to start packing for our vacation.
 
 

Changes

This week is one of changes in our household.  It gets upended from 2 different directions (does that mean it stays level?)

This week is also one of accomplishment.

Abe is graduating high school!!!  And he'll be going to college.

And Rosie will have cleaned up all her stuff all over the place (by force if necessary).

I'm very proud of Abe.  Especially in the last year, he has developed a sense of equilibrium to deal with situations, either common everyday or unexpected like last week's car incident. (BTW- it wasn't a disaster in terms of money to fix!)

After two years of living at boarding school, Abe is moving back into the house full time.

At the same time, Rosie is off for 2 months of camp.  Except for some other scheduling problems associated with both of these occurences happening at the same time, I'm actually glad that they are at the same time.  It will give Abe some time to settle in to living at home again.

Of course, he's not going to be home for long since he and I, and one set of aunt & uncle & cousins & his grandfather are all going on vacation together (for a week) the evening after graduation.  Rosie will be back at camp, as she declined to go with us.

Driving Test

Abe had a driving test the other day.  No, not the one to get his license- he has had that for about a year and a half.

Something went wrong with the car while he was driving.

I was actually concerned that this might happen, and was following him for a short distance, in going from one place to another. (Actually Rosie was driving).  So when his car stopped in the middle of the entrance ramp onto the highway, we pulled in front of him and I ran back to him.  He was trying to get it going, but, no luck.

But he was calm and collected (and not screaming his head off).  So I gave him my cell phone (he is going to get his own after he graduates and we come back from vacation) and told him to pull his AAA card out and get the car towed to the dealership.

And he did.  And he'd already told the people there the background when I came to pick him up.

I was very proud of him and his behavior.  (But not so proud of my 9 year old car!)

When schools fail kids

I haven't posted in a long long time. Partly because I have unbloggable stuff going on all around me, and partly because evidentially heart disease isn't enough and God thought that a really funny joke would be to give me seizures too. So I've been in the hospital and then comatose on the most horrible drug you could possibly imagine. But I tossed the drug, and I'm feeling human again, so I thought I'd come and tell you what I"ve been working on.

As some of you know, I'm an educational advocate, person that helps parents negotiate with school systems that are reluctant to give out 504s and IEPs to deserving special needs kids. I attend IEP meetings and challenge the school officials when they lie and make up crap, basically.

As the country settles itself into a nice depressing recession, school budgets have been cut to the bone and beyond. Teachers are let go, programs are cut, classes grow larger, and school systems do everything they can to provide "the least restrictive environment" which is educationese for doing absolutely jack shit. Schools do not want to pay for a proper 'free and appropriate education (FAPE)' for kids that they can shove into the back of a classroom, deny any special aid, and then shake their heads in dismay and claim that the kid is making bad choices and is manipulative instead of offering help.

What used to be bad when my kids were in school has turned into abysmal. It's almost comical to see school IEP teams go around and around the fact that yes, the child has a problem that falls under special ed, but that problem does not affect the kids schooling. I know, hard to believe, but I see it over and over and over again. And every time I see it, I know I'm going to be ending the meeting with "Thank you very much. We'll be talking to the State Board of Education to decide whether or not we want to go with mediation or a full law suit."  In every single case the school reps do this shrug and say, "do what you have to" and then a day or two passes and they start phoning the parents with all these lame ideas of how to fix a problem that they let fester for 6 or 8 or even 10 years. It's disgraceful.

Right now I'm working with two new clients in two different school districts. One is the Boston Public Schools and they were nice and helpful but couldn't offer my client anything other than the suggestion that we change schools or get DCF involved so she could get the residential setting she so desperately needs. I'm sorry to say that after 4 different people, including the kid's psychiatrist and two mandated reporters called DCF to file a 51a for the parent, DCF did absolutely nothing. No investigation whatsoever. What the child is doing is unbloggable, but if it were your child you would be BEGGING for help. Help from any and all corners.

The other kid is at a fairly suburban/rural school outside Boston. The school is fairly new and is used as a 'model school' for communities in MA looking to build a new school. The inside of the building is spotless. The floors are a pearl gray tile. The walls are cement block painted shiny white. There is NOTHING on the walls. No murals, pictures, artwork, trophies. So as you walk down the hall it feels more like a hospital than a school. The only thing of the walls are 5 papers taped onto the glass window of the front office. The papers are the rap sheets for the 5 level three sex offenders in this small town.

We went into the gorgeous conference room in the guidance center, and sat down for one of the more contentious meetings I've ever been in. The school officials were adamant that although they acknowledged this kid had both health and emotional disabilities, was failing every single class, and was truant to school almost every day, his disabilities had no bearing whatsoever on his behavior and attendance. Um, REALLY? For two hours we argued and it was a complete waste of energy. They would not budge.

So we went to the State Board of Education and reported the school for non-compliance and started yet another law suit.

When I started doing this I used to get so upset and angry that the schools could behave like this. But now I see that it's a business just like any other business. They have a budget that gets cut back year after year, and within that budget they have to educate all the kids who access the schools. By refusing to acknowledge giftedness, they can ignore providing any gifted programming in MA. But we have federal and state laws that make it clear that schools have to provide special education to disabled kids, so the schools have figured out a way to get out of educating disabled kids. First they use mainstreaming, and when that fails, they put the kid in the learning center. When that fails and the parents demand an IEP they'll just come up with ways to show that the kid doesn't need an IEP, even if he's failing every single class. Because failure is a choice these days. A choice made by manipulative kids that make bad choices all the time. Choices that have nothing to do with bad self esteem, depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD. Nope, it's just another bad choice.

Well guess what? By refusing to provide special ed or an IEP, the schools have made a very bad choice. They have discriminated against disabled kids, kids they admit are disabled. And that goes against 504, an anti-discrimination federal law. Ooops!

When schools fail like this. parents have a right to find counsel and sue the district. And I encourage them to do so because the districts aren't honest and think they can get away by tossing kids to the side of the road. Most parents follow what the school says because they are the "experts" but the truth is, they aren't experts and they will skirt and break laws and flaunt non compliance as much as they can get away with.

Individually, most people who work in our schools as teachers and support staff want to help kids. But when the district is strapped for cash and the superintendent lays down the law to the principals not to give out any special ed, especially out of district placements regardless of what it does to the kids, well we have a serious problem across the country. A problem that must be addressed because our most vulnerable and fragile students are being left behind.

Loosening the Strings

Last week was an exercise in Mom loosening the strings tieing down Abe.  He's 19 yo now, but he's my special needs baby and I worry that he doesn't have the skills to compete out in the big bad world.

Last week was school vacation week, but Mom had to work (of course).  But there were some things that Abe needed to do during that time.  So instead of me running myself ragged or burning vacation time, I let him (made him?) go to some appointments by himself.

The first was his yearly physical.  His doctor is at a big hospital and I didn't want him driving down there in hte traffic mess of Marathon Monday in Massachusetts.  So I printed out directions of how he should walk to the trolley line and then what transfers he needed to do to get to the hospital, and tell him when he needed to leave.  I did ask him if he wanted me to meet him there, but he said no.  You think that giving him explicit directions on how to go to someplace that he had never gotten to by himself before was too much?  Abe didn't think so.  If I hadn't given him the directions, he probably wouldn't have even set off on the journey. 

The only glitch in the process was that he didn't know the co-pay amount, and for some reason neither did the secretary checking him in; so they'll bill me.

Then there was the "Accepted Students Day" at MB Community College, where he is going to attend next year.  There was a program for all of the students that the school had accepted (and probably hadn't accepted back) to introduce them to the facilities, etc.  I was in the second day of an all day meeting, so I couldn't go with him (parents were invited).  This being the first time that he drove to the school, I once again got him directions and gave him the timing that he needed to get there on time.  But that was it.  And he had a good time there and now is more comfortable with the idea of attending any college. He came away with a rough knowledge of the building and a sense that this wasn't going to be too overwhelming for him.

And to top it off, I gave him a task to perform at the end of it.  He needed to swing by the old house and put away the trash cans.  Would he remember?  Yes, he did.  And that was even after he went on an errand of his own after the MBCC event (he had even asked if he could).  And then I called him up in the afternoon to get him to take Rosie to pick up her baseball tickets for Sunday's game.

I'm so proud.  I'm also feeling much better about him going to college.  He just needs a bit of extra preparation and then he's able to do it.

So the last meeting was one I did with him- for the disability services office at his new school.  But I did my best to let him talk and he even filled out the forms.  And after that, he is MUCH more confident about going to college.

When you can't predict the problem

My son has a friend with Aspergers. He has other problems too, but Aspergers is the one that is blamed for his behavior when it leans perilously over the edge of normality. Since this friend T is over 19 years old, he doesn't recieve any services for his issues because our state has cut mental health care to the bone and beyond. As is, Department of Mental Health? Gone.

Anyhow, yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from T's mom, and she was not a happy camper. Seems T has stolen her checkbook and wrote out a bunch of checks he tried to cash. And he convinced my daughter and her boyfriend to drive him into the "ghetto" to various western union stores to try and cash said checks. Now the Mom didn't know about the driving part. She had no clue as to how her son went all over Cambridge and Boston when she started investigating. And she called me because T threw my son under the bus and blamed him for the whole thing.

Except, my son is dysgraphic and doesn't know cursive. He can't even sign his OWN signature, never mind make out a check. I asked about the handwriting and she said that T implied that my daughter had written out the checks. But she can't STAND T and she isn't a moron and knows about banking. No way would she have taken part in this.

Am I ticked that this kid blamed both of my kids for this crime? Well, yes, but he has apergers and a lot of his issues are not understanding rules and regulations. Which is why he is NOT allowed on our property anymore. No way would I let him in the house.

After talking at length to both of my kids, I got the whole story. Of course, my son lied for his friend, but when confronted with what his sister said, he came clean. And now he's ticked off at T (thank goodness) and realizes that T isn't a good friend. So there is that!

But what I got out of this whole experience was how sad this poor mom was. She knows her kid is in trouble and yet there is nothing she can do about it because help costs hundreds of thousands of dollars and only Dr Phil can afford it. That's why those families go on his show and bare their souls. I honestly don't know when it became OK to just stop caring for our mentally ill chilcfen. Oh, I"m lying. I do know. Ronald Reagan decided that government didn't need to care for the mentally ill anymore. His government decided that families should take care of thes children, except it's just too hard. To live in conflict every day of your life his so stressful, and as your kids get older thay also get more creative about self-medicating. Not a good situation.

I wish I could help T's mom, but the truth is, my hands are so full with my own son, currently in the hospital again, that I can't really reach out to her. If I could, I would.