Mid-CenturyModernMoms

There are those days....

As my kids grow older, they spend less and less time at home. Which is mostly a good thing except that it's kinda lonely and weird. Today my daughter came home from school, changed her clothes, begged me for a ride to work, which I gave her, and was gone until 10 pm when she came home, went upstairs and went to bed. I think I spent all of 10 minutes with her all day. Oh, they were a fairly pleasant 10 minutes, but geesh, does she still live here?

Her brother came home from school, went upstairs to take a nap, came down a couple of hours later and asked if he could sleep over a friend's house. I said yes, he had said friend pick him up, and he was off. Maybe I saw him for 20 minutes total today. I gotta wonder, is it my breath? My deodorant? Or the fact that I'm their parent and they no longer need me to entertain them.

I'm not sure I like this change in our lives. Not that I want them home all the time, because then they drive me bonkers, but could they at least attempt to talk to me for a half hour before they take off. Because I have no idea what they're doing anymore. I don't even know if they go to school. For all I know, they could be doing all sorts of illicit activities. Oh, except it poured all day today and my son is petrified of getting wet. I'm sure he was in school today. Heh.

I'm proud to report that there is slight, but significant progress on the college front. My son has now narrowed down his list of chosen schools to a top 7. I know it doesn't seem like much but for him this is a real breakthrough. There is forward action. This is good.

And he has a job interview on Tuesday. A JOB!!! Please pray that he gets hired so I no longer have to say about 200 times/week "Get a job if you want .....". The kid thinks I have a money tree in the back yard or something. He has very expensive taste, too. I just want one single week without him begging me for a new XBox, guitar, TV, or computer. Just one week.

Like that's ever gonna happen!

My son and his best friend are both seniors this year. His best friend is almost 19, my son is 16. They both have absolutely no idea of what they're going to do next year, they've done nothing about applying to colleges, and they both have the mistaken idea that they can sleep until 4 and then play video games all night long for a year or two. While I've not spoken to his friend's mom, I can tell you that she's right there with me in the "no way, Jose" school of parenting young adults.

Best friend spends a lot of time at our house. As in, he's the 3rd son I never wanted, but seem to have. Oh, he's a nice enough kid, but he's quirky and argumentative and I've got enough on my hands without another teenager wanting to argue about anything under the sun.

Last week he was over one day after school and he and my son had cooked up an idea that they thought was absolutely the best idea ever. They couldn't wait to tell me about it. It was just so excellently awesome. You see, they thought it would be a good idea if the two of them fixed up the basement into a living quarters with a huge HDTV, video consoles, and lord knows what else, and then friend could live there and pay rent.

What an awesome idea....NOT. They had it all planned out, how they were going to fix up the "room" to be a media extravaganza and they would hang out down there with their friends. It was gonna be so cool!

After picking my jaw up from the floor I mentioned a few things I thought they might not have thought of. Like the laundry is in the basement. And the basement has no heat. And a cement floor and walls. Plus a non-insulated bulkhead. And windows that didn't open. No bathroom. Or shower.

Geesh mom, who  needs heat and a shower! Really. We'll have a huge TV and the rest, who cares?

I broke it to them gently that I had no intention of taking on yet another aimless kid, no matter how spectacular the electronics were that would come with him. But they are undeterred. They're still planning this excellent idea. Planning the parts of it that are the pipe dream, but not even considering how much money it would cost, how they would come by that money. and how this just MIGHT affect the other people who live in our home. Like me. And the Boy's sister.

I think it's great that they want to be together. Personally I think they would kill each other in a month, both being argumentative know-it alls, and both being bipolar. Um, yeah. But I like that their friendship, which has lasted a long time now, is rock solid.

But they are not moving into my basement. Under any circumstances. Ever.

Help? I'm not sure I know that word.

My home health aide, the woman that cleans my house, did not come this week. She had a bad back injury and is on bedrest. Instead of sending someone else, the agency hemmed and hawed and told me they would get back to me about a substitute. I'm still waiting, the very early morning of Thanksgiving. Oh, and my dishwasher is broken. So we have piles and piles of dishes that have been "washed" by my son, but need to be sterilized before I would eat off them. I'm just sayin'.

So, it's a holiday and my house looks like a cyclone struck it. No big surprise when you live with two slobby teens and a disabled mom who just can't clean.

Today the Boy helped me clean the fridge, which was beyond disgusting and apparently had not been properly dug out since July, seeing the container dates of the stuff I pulled out and tossed. Gross!  He was pretty good about helping me with that chore, but according to him, that was the ONLY chore he had the energy for today. Let's see, he didn't go to school yesterday or today because he was feeling a bit 'off', which  means that senior-itis struck. He slept most of the time, or sat eating popcorn and watching tv. He didn't do anything to actually help, because help is kinda a foreign word around here.

His sister has been working long hours at her job, due to retention issues at her workplace. So she's gone most of the time and when she's home, she does NOTHING. I mean it, nothing. I have to beg her to do the slightest things, and then I threaten to take away her phone and Ipod. And this is to get her to do her assigned chores. Somewhere along the line she decided that chores were for suckers and you could avoid them indefinately if you just make a lot of excuses and hide in your bedroom.

So the deal is, nobody eats Thanksgiving dinner unless the house is clean. I know! I have freaking had it and I'm not putting forth any effort for a dinner that will be inhaled in 20 minutes. They will have assigned rooms to straighten up, and a time limit. No clean, no food. Including pies. Because I am MEAN.

But what I don't get is why teenagers (not just my kids, most teenagers) don't seem to understand that they are part of a family and therefore they have to contribute to the family. This is a concept I've told my kids since they were teeny tiny. We're a family where everyone does something to contribute to our well being. That means that the kids have assigned chores, and that we help each other. If someone is sick, we pitch in. If mom can't do something, then one of the kids needs to step up to the plate. This isn't new information for my kids. But in the past couple of hormone inflated years, it has gone right out the window. Everything I ask for is either ignored or argued about.

My standards have lowered to the extreme. I used to have a spotless home that looked like a nice family lived there. Now, not so much. Piles of magazines, papers, and various and assorted junk sit atop every piece of furniture. My son has decided that the front hall is his dressing room and now leaves his clothing, dirty AND clean, on the chair in the hall. Suitcases used months ago are still awaiting transport to the attic. My son's computer monitor and TV are in the middle of the living room floor because he will not get them out into the car to go to the recycling plant. Why? Because it means taking the sand chairs from the beach out of the trunk and putting them into the basement for the winter.

I need Ty Pennington to come and scoop up the whole house and put it in the dumpster. Because my kids won't help and I can't do it myself.

When will they become responsible again?

Twilight

It opens tonight. Twilight. The movie every teen girl is supposed to be looking forward to. The vampire love story that has captured the hearts and minds of teen and young adult girls. And quite a few women bloggers, if my reading is correct. I know people who saw it last night when it was released in the west. They waited on line to see it. Some for hours and hours. For a vampire movie!

Needless to say, my daughter has no interest whatsoever in this movie. Or the books. Or vampires. It's totally not her thing. Of all the teenagers we know, not one of them has any interest in the books or movie. It's like this whole popular culture phenomenon just passed over our town. Oh, I'm sure some of the middle school kids are going to the film tonight. But the high school girls? Nope, not really interested.

It makes me wonder what makes a pop culture phenom in one place and elicits total disinterest in another place. For example, in my blog reading I've seen many many young moms going nuts over the Twilight series of books. They speak rapturously about how the love story moved them. They couldn't wait to get through one novel in order to start the next. It was like the Harry Potter books, except that most adults talking about the books admitted they weren't that well written. It was just the story that kept them interested.

I am not a fan of the vampire genre. I don't like horror movies either. Even ones with a love story. So I didn't bother to read the books and I suppose that my disinterest caused a bit of my daughter's lack of interest. But the truth is, she's not a reader, she wouldn't ever pick up a book like Twilight, and this is so not a movie she would be willing to spend her hard earned money upon.

Which got me to wondering. Is this movie going to be as big as all the hype? Are your teenage kids panting to see it? Have they read the books? Did they like the books as much as the Harry Potter series?

Enquiring minds want to know!

Bullying doesn't stop when you go to high school

Last night at a school meeting I met another mother of a senior girl. We hit it off immediately, and got to talking. And talking. And talking. By the time we said goodnight we knew each others life story. It was that kind of first meeting. I wish dates went that well.

Anyhow, this woman's daughter started in public school in high school. Before high school she attended a very tony private school that is half day and half boarding school. This school has a sterling reputation amongst the trust fund set and has extremely wealthy and powerful national figures in it's parent population. However, many of the girls that attend this school don't go to very prestigious colleges, choosing more social schools than the woman's daughter was looking for. So they put her in our very 'rigorous' high school where kids go on to many Ivy League and top tier schools.

From the first week at our school, this girl hated it. HATED it. And her mother did as well. The reason is simple. Bullying. Now, in defense of the school, my kids really haven't experienced bullying on either end, and they're not bullies either. But yes, there is bullying going on and I know about it and I know what kids get bullied. This girl, well, she's chubby. More than chubby. She's fat. She has PCOS, a endocrine problem common in women that makes it difficult to impossible to lose weight. As a person who has had PCOS as well, I know how hard this poor kid's struggle is. Losing weight when your body is screaming that you're starving due to blood sugar imbalances sucks.

But other than her weight, this is a very talented, very smart girl. However, from the get-go the teachers treated her like crap because of her weight. This particular girl has a talent that has received kudos from professionals since she was a bitty kid. She sings with professional groups. She's traveled all over the world singing with said professional group. But she couldn't get into the freaking high school chorus. And that was just the beginning. Because the bullying comes not only from other kids, but even more-so from the teachers. On a school trip last year she went overseas to an eastern European country. The teacher who led the trip is one both of my kids has had, and we all concur that he is INSANE. Like certifiably insane. He runs. He doesn't walk, he runs. He made the kids walk from the Airport in Amsterdam to the Anne Frank House. Yes, there is a cheap subway train that goes there, but he made them trot along with him. When this girl couldn't keep up, he said that she was too fat to be on the trip. In a week the kid made $1000 worth of overseas phone calls to her mother in tears. The teacher picked on her the entire trip, thus enticing the kids to do so as well.

This year her "wellness" teacher has turned a blind eye to a kid who bullies her and calls her fat and gross. The teacher has heard it, but shrugs her shoulders and ignores it. Ignoring is so much easier.

The mom is appalled by this behavior but she's also experienced some of the same crapola I have from the "professional moms" who run the PTO and other school programs. You cannot break through the barriers these moms set up. They don't want to meet you, they don't want to hear your issues, they don't want anything to change, etc. Of course their kids are bullies. The moms are bullies as well.

So we have a charged atmosphere where moms, teachers and kids are all allowed to act like asshats and nothing is done to make things better for the kid. Isn't that sad?

When I came home I asked both of my kids if they knew this girl, and both kids did. My son said that she's really nice and is in his g'friend's homeroom and is a friend of hers. My daughter pointed out that she was one of the stars of the play we saw last year and how talented she was. So I know my kids aren't being jerks. They're usually very tolerant of kids with issues anyhow, seeing as they have issues themselves. But I have to say that I am burning mad right now that any kid is being harassed by teachers and students and nothing is done. Not my kid, so it's not up to me. But I felt like burning down the damn school after hearing this story.

What to do with teen anger

I recently read an article that I just had to copy  here for everyone to read. I think it's well written, has some decent solutions, and makes any parent of teens a little bit wiser about parenting when your teens are angry beings.

So, without further ado:

What To Do With Teen Anger, by Tamekia Reece

It could be a fight with a friend, having to do chores, or your asking what you thought was a simple question – it seems during the teen years, anything can spark a fuse.   

“During adolescence, not only are teens experiencing hormonal changes that affect their day-to-day mood, they’re also seeking more independence and testing the waters to find out what their boundaries and limits are,” says Cynthia Langtiw, Psy.D., associate professor of clinical psychology at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology and supervising psychologist at Mount Sinai’s Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health Clinic. Add to that changing dynamics in relationships with friends and family, stresses of school, extracurricular activities, part-time jobs, and the pressure to make huge life decisions, and it’s normal for teens to feel overwhelmed and angry.

   

Still, the stomping, slammed doors, “I hate you” explosions, seething silence – it’s enough to drive even the most patient parent insane.

   

Here are tips to help your teen (and yourself!) deal with the anger.

Solutions

   

#1 Listen. Next time your teen rants about her “stupid” friends or her “stupid” homework, resist tuning her out or telling her it’s not serious. “In my practice, the thing I see teens get most angry about is feeling unheard,” Langtiw says.

   

Heather A., 17, says it’s frustrating and discouraging when parents say “get over it” or don’t listen. “If a teen can’t talk to the person who brought them into the world and loves them unconditionally, [then who can they talk to]?” she asks. So, if your teen is fuming (and willing to talk), lend an ear. Sometimes, just being able to vent is enough to douse the fire.

#2 Don’t take it personally. When her middle child was 14 years old, Colette Y. let her teen’s anger infuriate her. “When I tried talking to her about [cutting] school, she would flip the argument and attack my behavior and choices and we would quickly escalate to screaming matches,” the mother of three says. Arguments occurred almost daily until Young’s daughter eventually moved in with her dad.

   

It may be difficult, but don’t take offense to your teen’s anger and retaliate. Things will only get worse. And sometimes, even if directed at you, the anger isn’t about you. “If a parent forms a good, solid relationship with their child, there’s a sense of ‘no matter what I do, my parents will always be there’,” Langtiw explains. So, when the fury must surface, she aims at you – her “safe” target.

   

#3 Model better ways of expression. “You can tell teens lots of things, but what they see is what they’ll do,” says Langtiw. If you’re slamming things around and snapping at everyone after a bad day at work, your teen will probably react the same when angry. Conversely, if you say you’ve had a rough day and need a few minutes alone to cool down, that behavior will likely be mimicked.

   

#4 Give them power. It may seem your teen thinks he has tons of power, but sometimes explosive anger comes from the teen feeling others have all the power and he has none, Langtiw says. To help your teen see he can affect situations and control his reactions to them, she says: “Go through specific steps and help the child identify what it was that made them angry, how they handled the situation, and what they could do differently.” The point isn’t to blame the teen (sometimes they’re angry for valid reasons), but by getting them to step back and look for alternatives, they’ll be better equipped to deal with the situation next time.

 
 

Teens are known for being rebellious and moody, but don’t assume all anger is “typical” teen behavior. Anger can mask a variety of things–fear, jealousy, depression, and irritability related to a physical illness, Langtiw says. “If the anger is happening in a number of places (not only at home), if it’s disproportionate to that of other kids, if there’s any violence, lots of sadness, incessant crying, or threats to harm himself or others, those are signs to seek help from a professional,” she says.

   

While anger can leave both teens and parents on edge, Langtiw says, “Listening to your children, making sure they feel heard, allowing them the developmentally appropriate amount of autonomy and choice, and modeling proper ways to handle and express the anger” will help take the edge off.

 

 

Tamekia Reece is a writer  n Houston, TX. She's written on parenting topics for Parents, Woman's Day, Parenting, and Fit Pregnancy. Visit her at? www.tamekiareece.com. 

Celebrate Good Times, Come ON!

My daughter (16 NVLD) has her moments, as do all teenagers. But for the most part she's a great kid and she's really mature about solving her own problems. She's always been an independent sort, but this year she's come into her own in a great way, and it's delightful to see.

The day after she turned 16 she got a job at our local Panera, where she works behind the counter serving a lot of rather unpleasant and demanding customers. She does so with a good attitude and a work ethic I never thought I'd see from her. The same child that can't wash a dish at home cleans up an entire restaurant before closing. Who would of thunk it? She works at Panera after school several days a week, and she does it pleasantly, even when she really doesn't want to go in.

This week, when she looked up her schedule, she noted that she was working until closing Friday night. Halloween. I told her immediately to see if she could trade shifts with someone, but she didn't get on it fast enough and by the time she started searching for someone to take her shift, everyone had already bowed out. She was stuck working and she was NOT happy about it. In fact, she grumbled for a full 24 hours, even threatening to quit over it, but the fact is, she knew that she would go in and work.

When I drove her to work, she started out the ride all grumpy but we talked about it and by the time we arrived a full 5 minutes later, she was feeling better. Around 8:45 I got a call that she was let off early, had a friend pick her up, and now she was trick or treating with her boyfriend in his neighborhood. So it all worked out OK and she was so much happier.

She came home about 10:30 laden down with candy and a big orange pumpkin plastic tote. The thing was overflowing, and she said that she had a pillowcase more at her boyfriend's house. What was so amazing, she told me, was that because they were out so much later, all the people dumped their leftover candy into their bags and buckets, and she ended up with way more candy than she expected. She was so psyched, because she discovered a way to get her work done and to trick or treat. Both of her needs were met, with no adult intervention at all.

I was really proud of her for solving her problem in the best way possible, and for bringing home an amazing amount of double bubble, which I dearly love. She's a great kid!

I hope your Halloween was as successful as ours. Although we did not get one trick or treater for the 3rd year in a row. I think they're scared of me.

Happy Blogaversary to Us

It seems almost impossible for me to believe, but a full year has passed since Mid-Century Modern Moms went online. From the inception to the birth I've always had a vision for this small community of moms raising teens and young adults. I've believed that we needed a spot of our own, a diaper free, potty training free, toddler free, kindergarten free spot where we could talk about the frustrations and successes of raising out teenagers and setting them off on their own lives. I wanted a space where parents would listen to each other, laugh along and sometimes cry along as we shared our stories. I hoped that we would attract parents raising their own teens who could advise us, listen to us, and maybe help us deal with all the ups and downs on this roller coaster ride we call parenting teens.

I didn't know what kind of a readership we would have. Most of the parents in the blogosphere are raising younger kids and those of us raising teens were mostly silent until this site was born. But in the year we've existed, we've gained a wonderful and very gracious following, and hopefully next year, as more kids turn that crazy age 13, we'll have even more.

We've undergone changes. Some of the original writers have left, and new writers have come on board. Since our appearance on the 'net, we've inspired several other similar blogs. As they say, imitation is the finest form of flattery. Some of us started out writing for the first time and have branched out to other blogs. Some of us have been writing forever and have moved our stories about our teens here as our personal blogs take on new challanges and changes. Whatever the differences since last October 26th, 2007 one thing has remained constant. We love our teenagers despite their uncanny ability to drive us insane, and we will continue to tell our stories.

We invite you to stay with us and to join us in sharing your experiences raising your own teens and young adults.

And of course, we want to offer you some cake. Every poster will be offering a slice of cake this week in honor of our blogoversary. Enjoy!

It's 11:32. Do you know where my son is?

Yes, it's Friday night. WEEKEND!!! No school for two whole days. Squeeeee!

However, there is a hard and fast rule in our house. You call Mommy and you tell her where you are if you are not at home. I repeat. YOU CALL MOMMY and report in if you aren't home.

Is that so hard? Too complicated? Too confusing?

Yeah, I don't think so either. However, my son finds it nigh on impossible to follow this rule. "I forgot" is the usual excuse. Oh, he's not doing anything untoward. He's hanging out with his friends, playing games at their houses, etc. But does he remember to call? Rarely.

It's 11:36 pm now. I have not seen or heard from him since this morning. He has not called in to tell me where he was after school. He has not called in at all. I have no clue as to where he is. His curfew is midnight. Will he make it? I don't have much hope.

So what does this mean? I'll be calling his friends at midnight trying to track him down. No matter who I call first, I'll get the "I think he's with X" response. So then I call X and they think he's with Y. I hate this. I swear it, I really really hate this. But there's a problem. This has been a rule for years and he honestly can't remember to follow it. It's real. It's a memory issue. Out of sight, out of mind. If you knew my kid, you would know that he's not doing this maliciously. He's not purposely disregarding the rule. He's been punished a bazillion times and it doesn't work for this particular issue. He honestly forgets. Every time we discuss this problem he's embarrassed and ashamed, and yet he'll do it again and again and again.

He'll wander in sometime in the next hour, tell me about how starving he is and he'll start rooting around the kitchen for something to eat. I'll once again bring up the fact that he didn't call and I had no clue as to where he was, and he'll be just as surprised and apologetic as the last time, or the next time.

I just wish he wasn't such a dolt, but there you go!

These young adults are still babies

A theme we're all discovering whilst raising teenagers is that they are very very similar to gigantic toddlers. Same tantrums, same impulsivity, same intensity, and the same curiosity about life. My kids often behave more like a two-year old than they do an almost adult. I have found that it behooves me as a mother to keep that toddler reference in the back of my mind when it comes to attempting to understand any new and particularly odious behavior.

But sometimes I forget.

This past week has been, shall we say, a roller coaster ride. FIrst my son started acting out, screaming at me, slamming doors, totally belligerant behavior, and in general a really negative demeanor. In other words, he was acting like a gigantic asshat.

I looked at the kid and questioned what was going on. School was ok, life at home was on a basically even keel (for us), but there were changes brewing on the emotional front. Both his psychopharmacologist, who we ADORE, and his therapist are leaving. The therapist will be back after her maternity leave, but the psychopharm is retiring and will not return. I figured that these two events, which are happening at the same time, were probably affecting my anxious son. I sort of left it at that, thinking I had solved the intense irritability problem. Aren't I smart?

Um, not so much.

A couple of days later, my daughter started getting a bit on the whiney, crabby side as well. She is more of a complainer than one that acts out, but still, it was apparent that she wasn't a happy camper either. Things were difficult, too much homework, work asking for extra hours, friends have too many emotional meltdowns, etc. My little drama queen was spending a lot of her time whining. I had no clue what was going on with her, but I figured it was just one of those tough times for her, a not unusual situation.

So... nope. I totally missed that the crabbiness and the whining were because my  kids were getting sick. Just like toddlers, they showed their hand with the bitching and moaning and I negated any physical possibility. I am a dolt. When they both started in with the sore throats, the headaches, and the snot festival I slapped my forehead in dismay. How could I have missed the signs? Wasn't it obvious?

Well, not so much. Because now they're verbal and they were complaining about everything under the sun except that they felt crappy. I might be smart, but I'm not psychic. So I had to have a bit of a sitdown with each of them and remind them that even though they are very verbal, they need to TELL ME when they're not feeling well, because I apparently can't guess very well. Unlike toddlers, they are able to express their aches and pains and relate them to their behavior. So they need to do that in the future.

Gigantic toddlers. Lucky me!