The Delicate Balance

Sometimes I walk a tightrope, trying to maintain a delicate balance between "helicopter mom" and letting my daughter learn from her own mistakes.

My daughter Jen is 19 and a sophomore in college.  She attends school in New England, about a 4 hour drive from our home here on Long Island. When she was in high school and living at home, I was able to see how she handled her school work, whether she was studying and doing her homework, and I would get report cards and interim reports and all sorts of feedback from her teachers.  I could "make" her do her homework or study for the big test, I could intervene if she ran into a problem with a teacher.  Now that she's in college, however, and miles away from home, there's really very little I can do. As she keeps reminding me, she's an "adult" now,  responsible for her own schoolwork.

So if I see red flags, there's very little I can do.

She came home for weekends several times this semester, and never brought home a book.   She missed a few classes, but told me it wasn't a problem, she'd make up the work.  She came home just before finals (we attended a family event) and I never saw her study.  If I said something about it, she told me not to worry, that everything was "fine" and she was on track for doing well in all her classes.

Fall semester ended just before Christmas.  When I asked Jen how she thought she did, she was evasive.  When I asked her if she got her grade report on line, she was evasive.  It turns out that her grades are not where she wanted them to be, and now she has to rethink her coursework for next semester and her plans for next year.  I must admit I am angry and upset with her for doing this to herself. 

Herself.  Yes, that's the operative word.  She didn't do this to me, she did it to herself.    And she's the one who will have to deal with the consequences.

College is a learning environment, isn't it?  And not all of the lessons are academic.  I can only hope she learns from this mistake.

Comments

[Daisy]

Exactly. She'll learn from this and find her direction.

[songbird]

we can only hope.

[the planet of janet]

ah, it's hard not to catch them when they fall.

but that *is* the only way they learn to keep their balance.

[songbird]

sigh....you're so right.

[Brianna Popsickle]

It's hard as a mom to watch our children learn from their mistakes, but it's what we have to do to allow them to grow! Hang in there! My daughter graduates in April, my son is in second year at University. It gets easier!