I think the honeymoon is over for Rebekah with Aisling. I knew it would happen. I've been waiting for it. I worried about how it might manifest. I had ideas about how to deal with it. I just didn't know what would precipitate it -- jealousy? crowding? insecurity? boredom?
It turned out to be none of the above. What's bothering Rebekah, what's really, really, REALLY bothering her about Aisling is that, to Rebekah's way of thinking, Aisling is not treating her step-father and me properly.
Isn't that wonderful?
Now, let me make very clear here. I am having no problems with Aising's behaviour or attitude. So far, she's been a perfectly delightful kid to have around. She's following house rules, she's communicating reasonably well (better all the time), she's polite, she's cheerful, she does the dishes when she's asked. All this seems pretty good, no? Not a lot for a parent to complain about.
BUT, and Rebekah has complained of this any number of times, the things she says to our faces are NOT the things she's saying to Rebekah.
"She doesn't appreciate what you're doing!"
"She complains about you!"
"She's taking advantage of you guys!"
She's not done anything, in other words, that Rebekah (and her siblings before her) haven't done a gazillion times before. Aisling's behaviour is absolutely typical adolescent self-absorption. Nothing more, nothing less.
It's wonderful, I tell you!
See, Rebekah is annoyed by this. It's really irking her that Aisling's not more grateful, that Aisling is less than 100% honest with us, that Aisling doesn't fully appreciate all that's been done for her.
Rebekah, in other words, is seeing adolescent behaviour objectively. And she is OFFENDED.
I am less so. "I know that she says stuff to you about us. But you know, I'm pretty sure that sometimes," I raise my eyebrows and grin at her, "at least once in a while, you've griped to Aisling about us."
"Noooo, I hav..." She can't finish the sentence we both know would be a lie. She looks appropriately sheepish.
"It's normal, sweetie."
"But she only notices what you don't do, what you say no to. She totally takes it for granted that you painted her room, that you bought her a comforter and sheets and those shelves, but she got mad when you wouldn't pay for the TV stand, too!"
"Normal, love."
"But doesn't that BUG you?"
"Not as much as it's bugging you! Probably because, after eight kids, I'm used to it by now. She'll outgrow it, sooner or later." It took a minute, but I could see the wheels turn and the penny drop. Aisling is normal. Aisling is doing what teens do... which means that... [clink!] ...I do it, too!
And THAT conversation (yesterday) is probably why THIS conversation (today) went like it did.
"Mum, I was wondering about Driver's Ed."
"When were you thinking of taking it?"
"This summer."
"Well." Looong pause, as I consider how to present what will be unwelcome news. "Here's the thing. I'm totally in support of you taking Driver's Ed. It'll make you a better driver, and it will decrease your insurance."
"And you paid for it for Sarah."
"Yes, I did. But there's your humungo cell phone bill."
She absorbs that for a beat. "Oh, yeah... Which is probably about as much as Driver's Ed would cost, right?"
'Fraid so. I explain the one or two other financial issues pertinent at the moment, which make it very difficult for me to stretch the budget that far this month.
"Well. I guess I don't have to do it this summer. I can wait a month or two."
"I think it might have to be at least a couple of months."
"Maybe in the fall?"
"As long as everything falls into place as I think it will? Yes, the fall."
"Okay."
Pretty good, huh? I tell my just-turned-sixteen daughter she can't have the Driver's Ed her heart desires, the Driver's Ed we'd long ago agreed I would pay for, the Driver's Ed she's been looking forward to for, oh, about a year at least... and she takes it on the chin. Without whining, without pouting, without sneering, without flouncing. She just takes it. I am SO proud.
AND IT GETS BETTER!
Two hours later, while I am preparing dinner, the girl appears in the kitchen with a piece of paper and a calculator. She wants to prepare a budget and a schedule for repayment of the phone bill. (!!!!)
AND EVEN BETTER!
After our budget-planning quarter-hour:
"Thanks, mum."
"What for?"
"For not freaking out when you saw the bill, and for paying it for me, and for helping me figure out how to pay you back. Oh, and for not just taking my cell phone away, because you totally could have."
You know, when we agreed to take Aisling in, I thought we were helping out a kid in a difficult situation. I thought we were putting our parenting beliefs into practice, giving from the heart and in our own home. I worried how this might affect my relationship with Rebekah, if it might shift the household balance to the Dark Side, two best friends shoulder to shoulder against The Oppressor.
I had NO IDEA we were bringing in an agent for maturity, a 24-7 object lesson in appreciation, responsibility, and self-reliance.
I am speechless with gratitude.
Amazing.
I would call that good karma coming back to you!
Feeling appreciated is a wonderful feeling for a parent - I'm so glad you're experiencing it.
Posted by: Ali! | July 17, 2009 at 08:01 AM
awesome. wanna send her over here for a bit? i think we're in need of a lesson like that.
Posted by: the planet of janet | July 17, 2009 at 10:37 AM
this is awesome. You might never know exactly how much it means to open your house to someone who needs it, but trust me when I say I know. It is truly something amazing.
Posted by: Perksofbeingme | July 17, 2009 at 01:55 PM
That's a beautiful story.
I'm doling out some karma, too, just now. While obviously this is not to get something back, I often notice that happening.
Posted by: Mwa | July 17, 2009 at 03:41 PM
Ali - Karma. I hadn't thought of that, but I like the idea. Thanks! Feeing appreciated by your kids isn't something you can rely on, but it's very sweet when it happens.
Janet - I could... but you always run the risk of the little buggers colluding against you...
Perks - So far, it's been a positive experience, and I'm getting quite fond of this young lady. I'd love to think that her tenure with us will make a life-long difference to her, but I'm taking it day by day. So far, so good!
Mwa - Both you and Ali make the same point. I need to start looking for it, because until these comments I hadn't seen it that way at all -- but I like that way of looking at it! I hope you get your karma, too, for your actions right now.
Posted by: Ilona | July 18, 2009 at 08:24 AM
That's some tough lessons for Rebekah to take on the chin, however gentle you were. Well done her, well done you!
Posted by: Z | July 18, 2009 at 05:19 PM
How about you come to my house and teach me some things? You can call it "consulting" and you could rake in some bucks.
Posted by: Candace | July 19, 2009 at 05:36 PM
Love it when this happens!! I'm glad you can face all these moments with humor and an open mind.
Posted by: Daisy | July 20, 2009 at 04:19 PM