Teenage Emotionality and Maternal Fortitude

The moods of a teenager. No, not the moods... the emotionality of a teen.

This is not the post I was intending to write. The one I intended to write involved taking pictures of Rebekah's room... and that would involve being able to shove the door open. Honestly, I have no idea how that girl gets in and out. She usually has a cleaning fit on the weekends, though, so I imagine I can grab some shots for next week's post before Sunday evening.

"Cleaning fit?", I hear you weary parents asking, a little incredulous. And I must answer, trying not to be smug, "Yes." (Not smug at all. She's the seventh of our conjoint eight children and not a single one of the others ever suffered routine cleaning fits. We're just lucky with this one.)

She has them, and I'm grateful. She cranks her music and happily scours her room from top to bottom, singing as she goes. It's really quite endearing. At the end of this, which can take a couple of hours, her room is pretty near spotless. Not white-glove clean, but better than just tidy. The girl does know how to clean.

What she doesn't do is maintain. Neither could I, at that age.

But that's okay! She likes to have a clean room, so she'd be open to being taught how to keep it that way, right???

"It's not hard, sweetie. You just create some habits, do a bit each day. Fifteen minutes, at most, now that it's so clean!"

Open?

No.

She is not the picture of receptivity. And why? Because of that damned teenage emotionality. The brain in not in control of their responses, their emotions are. You can't win against teenage emotionality. It goes like this:

- If I catch her right at the end of the cleaning fit, when she is basking in the glow of her shiny room, she does not hear, "Good job! Your room looks fabulous! I'll show you how to keep it that way All The Time, and it'll be easy!"

She hears, "It's clean? So what? You're only going to screw up in the next 48 hours."

- If I wait the 48 hours until it's trashed, she doesn't hear, "Let's get this room whipped back into that fabulous shape you had it in before, and I'll show you how to keep it that way All The Time, and really, it's easy!" Mother and daughter, shoulder to shoulder against the forces of entropy!

She hears, "You screwed up."

See what I mean? There is no winning. Because, see, she's frustrated herself with her inability to maintain Sunday afternoon's award-winning room. She thinks she's a screw-up. Not me. But just try telling that to Ms. Emotionality. (Or Mr., because the boys, they do it too.)

Of course, I can do this. I will do this. I will teach her this Useful Life Lesson, because it will help her, because a clean environment obviously matters to her, because I don't want future roommates hating her. Because it is my Maternal Duty. I will do it, and I will be calm and rational, supportive, encouraging. And unyielding.

I will do it, but I won't like it.

Some days, pushing through that teenage emotionality brings out some peri-menopausal emotionality in mum. I see the task that needs doing. I know that I will do it.

But, oh, I don't want to! She's the seventh of eight kids, and I'm weary. I have prevailed in the face of teenage emotionality many, many, many, many, many times over the past ten years, and I will prevail again. And each time requires the same girding of my own emotional loins, the same investment of energy, determination, emotional fortitude. I will do it. And she will thank me for it. (This one will. They don't all. I am suitably grateful.)

But I don't waaaaaaaaaana!

Comments

[Daisy]

I'm not sure whether to laugh or hug you!! You've been through this stage before, so you'll know what to do and say -- whether she hears you or not. Good luck! I'd love to see pictures, if you can force the door open.

[heidi]

Oh how I wish I had more experience with this. We're just starting with the first of 4. He's 14. Most days anything I say is taken as a negative statement. It does make one weary and I've just started. Not sure how I will make it through.

[Ilona]

Daisy - Oh, you can laugh. It's better when we laugh, right? And not to worry. I WILL get those pictures.

Heidi - In our family, the rule has always been that kids are allowed to disagree with the adults, so long as they do it respectfully. With toddlers and pre-schoolers, that meant no screaming, hitting, kicking... With teens, it means no sarcasm, no sneering, no eye-rolling. We made it quite explicit: here are the Rules for Conflict Behaviour.

I don't do it to them, they don't do it to me. Which is not to say we don't get attitude, but at least it's expressed in semi-constructive ways.