Remember the New Boyfriend? The one who seemed to be all right at first, but soon turned out to be rude, disrespectful, stupid, cynical, and manipulative? (Yes, all that! Quite the prize, this one.) The kind of boyfriend, who, with any luck at all, is soon consigned to the "What was I THINKING?" file in your mind.
When I last wrote, I gave him a week. And I kept my fingers crossed. I did also talk to Rebekah, but in my typical non-directive way. No, "That guy's an ASS, Rebekah! What on EARTH are you doing dating him???" Not my style, and too likely to make a teen dig in her heels, anyway, if only to save face.
Nope, instead we had a conversation as I walked her to work. (Given that she's 15, not five, I "walked her to work" as in "kept her company", not "held her hand while she crossed the street". It's a half-hour walk, nicer with company, and she not infrequently asks for mine. Which, of course, warms my heart.) As we walk, we talk, in part about the boyfriend.
"He says stupid stuff as if he knows what he's talking about, and I didn't know if I could deal with it in front of you guys the same way I deal with it when it's just the two of us."
Which is how, exactly?
"Well, he knows I'm smarter than him, so when he starts, like he did at dinner about universities, I'd just say, 'Have you ever been to a university?', and of course he hasn't, he doesn't even have a sibling who's been, like I do, and then I'd say, 'So you don't know what you're talking about, then, do you?' and then he shuts up."
Well. THAT's straight-talking. Seems my daughter did not inherit my non-confrontational style, but I can't say I disapprove. But still, do you want to be in relation with someone whose opinion and intelligence you don't respect?
"So, is he a good boyfriend, all in all? Does he treat you well?" (The answer is obvious, but it's not a rhetorical question. We all know what I think. I'm betting I know what you think. I want to know what she thinks.)
"He's not bad, when he's not being an idiot."
Which makes me laugh. "And how often is that?"
Which makes her laugh. But she doesn't answer.
A week later, recovering from the exhaustion of starving herself and staying up half the night, Rebekah sleeps far later than is usual. She and her friend Cate, who spent the night, have left remarkably little debris in their wake. All that's in the living room, apart from the ever-present backpack, is a stray sheet of paper, which I glance at to determine whether it's destined for the recycling bin or her room.
And then I sit down and read it.
It is a pair of lists. One is headed "Pros". One is headed "Cons". At some point in the sleepover, Cate and Rebekah, in the fine tradition of adolescent girls everywhere, started talking boys and boyfriends. New Boyfriend has been analysed. In methodical fashion, two different sets of handwriting co-operate in itemizing the good and bad of the boy.
The "con" side is considerably longer. This makes me smile.
I smile even more when I see one of the items on the "con" side. This one's in Rebekah's handwriting.
"Parents don't like him."
"Parents don't like him"!!!
-- I didn't say so directly, but she heard me anyway.
-- AND she respects my judgment enough to put it on the list! It matters enough to her to be a point against him! I feel so, so... affirmed!
-- AND (and this one will mean most to anyone who's in a blended family), she said "Parents". Not "mum", but "Parents". Giving me and her step-dad equal status as parents. Meaning that my husband's -- her step-father's -- opinion/judgment matters equally to her. Awwwww...
I am delighted! On so many levels! Woo! And now I'm giving the boyfriend 48 hours. Woo!
I was wrong.
Rebekah staggers downstairs in time for lunch, groggy but cheerful.
"Oh, mum? I broke up with New Boyfriend last night." (On IM.)
It wasn't wrong to high-five the girl, was it?
Hooray! Hurray! Yippee!
Isn't it great when your kids prove they really are as clever as you think?
Well done everyone!
Posted by: Ali | April 17, 2009 at 07:09 AM
I am just laughing my ass off. I do love her so.
Posted by: Jenorama | April 17, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Ali - Yes, it is great! And thank you!
Jen - She's a great kid, isn't she? Both my girls? They sure can dole out the straight talk to the boyfriends!
Posted by: Ilona | April 17, 2009 at 03:19 PM
high fives all around!
Posted by: Daisy | April 17, 2009 at 05:07 PM
whoohoooo!!! win-win!
Posted by: the planet of janet | April 18, 2009 at 08:35 PM