Sometimes parenting is what you don't say

"I'm thinking of getting a car."

Not too surprising, really. Adam is, after all, almost 20 and in college. He has his bus pass for winter term and rides his bike the 7 km in good weather, and thinks little of it... However, it was the sixth week of what ended up being an eight-week bus strike, and Adam was growing wearing of the makeshift arrangements he was suffering to get to and from his classes.

Not too surprising, but...

"How can you afford a car?" (I am tactfully skipping right past the fact that the boy does not yet have his driver's license. Because I am a kind mama. Besides, getting the license is the easy part. I am also tactfully not blurting out my first response, which is, "Are you CRAZY???")

I am not blurting that out because I am essentially a kind person, but also because Adam, the young man who stands in front of me with possibility and hope in his eyes, my lovely Adam, he asks for so very little. With the girls, it seems (seemed, in the case of the one who now lives on her own) like there's always something they need: clothes, school trip, make-up, replaced textbook, exam fees for specialized courses, new cell phone package, accessories... A constant money bleed, my lovely daughters. But Adam? Adam rarely asks, rarely. If he does ask and I say "there's no money for that", he just takes it on the chin and moves on. He's so spectacularly undemanding, that, when he does ask I don't want to say no. I ache to say yes. Really. Refusing this boy something keeps me up nights. Literally.

But he can't -- he really can't -- afford a car. And I can't afford to get one for him.

"Well, I figure I'll get a used one." I nod, waiting. That's so obvious it barely needs to be stated. "Nick [best friend since grade four] and I have been checking the paper, and we think I can pick one up for less than two thousand dollars."

(Unspoken: "Well, I should hope so!")

"Do you have that saved?"

"No..." He pauses and looks at me carefully. "I was wondering if you could co-sign a loan."

Oh, good lord. This is the boy who forgets to pick up his paycheque, who then forgets to deposit it, who forgets to take out the garbage at least half the time, who forgets to eat, and has been known to forget his own birthday... I am less than ecstatic at the notion of being on the hook for a couple of grand with this person. However, he's not got any student loans yet, because he paid his own tuition this year from his own earnings. He's not irresponsible, he's just fearsomely absent-minded.

But still, I know that he can't afford to run a car. I know that I am not going to co-sign a loan that would be an unpleasant stretch for my finances should he default, as he most likely would. I know that this boy will be unable to afford a car until he has graduated. And found a job.

I have no intention of saying any of this. Not yet. I am hoping that I won't have to say it at all. I am hoping, in fact, that HE will be the one to say it. So, to that end, more questions.

"If you could get the car, how would you manage the running expenses?"

A further few minutes' chat reveals that he has actually thought about gas and insurance. He's underestimated the cost of insurance for a not-quite-20-year-old male, pretty substantially, mind you, and he's even hazier about the costs of maintenance... but he's at least given it some thought.

"Tell you what. I'll look into the logistics of getting a loan, and you can look into insurance." I give him the number of our insurance agent. He nods, pleased that I am onside, and himself quite willing to be part of the team that tackles this project. I cross my fingers.

And three days later, when we meet to share our information, he tells me...

that he can't afford a car.

Phew.

Comments

[Ali]

You are awesome! Not saying things is what I struggle with most, but it is so empowering for teenagers to work things out for themselves that I'm going to keep working at it.

[the planet of janet]

you. are. very. lucky.

oh, and totally awesome for letting him come to the conclusion on his own.

[Ilona]

Letting him work it out/come to the conclusion on his own is also self-preservation: He's far more likely to believe his own self than he is me, especially when the news is bad. :-)