What to do with teen anger

I recently read an article that I just had to copy  here for everyone to read. I think it's well written, has some decent solutions, and makes any parent of teens a little bit wiser about parenting when your teens are angry beings.

So, without further ado:

What To Do With Teen Anger, by Tamekia Reece

It could be a fight with a friend, having to do chores, or your asking what you thought was a simple question – it seems during the teen years, anything can spark a fuse.   

“During adolescence, not only are teens experiencing hormonal changes that affect their day-to-day mood, they’re also seeking more independence and testing the waters to find out what their boundaries and limits are,” says Cynthia Langtiw, Psy.D., associate professor of clinical psychology at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology and supervising psychologist at Mount Sinai’s Child and Adolescent Behavioral Health Clinic. Add to that changing dynamics in relationships with friends and family, stresses of school, extracurricular activities, part-time jobs, and the pressure to make huge life decisions, and it’s normal for teens to feel overwhelmed and angry.

   

Still, the stomping, slammed doors, “I hate you” explosions, seething silence – it’s enough to drive even the most patient parent insane.

   

Here are tips to help your teen (and yourself!) deal with the anger.

Solutions

   

#1 Listen. Next time your teen rants about her “stupid” friends or her “stupid” homework, resist tuning her out or telling her it’s not serious. “In my practice, the thing I see teens get most angry about is feeling unheard,” Langtiw says.

   

Heather A., 17, says it’s frustrating and discouraging when parents say “get over it” or don’t listen. “If a teen can’t talk to the person who brought them into the world and loves them unconditionally, [then who can they talk to]?” she asks. So, if your teen is fuming (and willing to talk), lend an ear. Sometimes, just being able to vent is enough to douse the fire.

#2 Don’t take it personally. When her middle child was 14 years old, Colette Y. let her teen’s anger infuriate her. “When I tried talking to her about [cutting] school, she would flip the argument and attack my behavior and choices and we would quickly escalate to screaming matches,” the mother of three says. Arguments occurred almost daily until Young’s daughter eventually moved in with her dad.

   

It may be difficult, but don’t take offense to your teen’s anger and retaliate. Things will only get worse. And sometimes, even if directed at you, the anger isn’t about you. “If a parent forms a good, solid relationship with their child, there’s a sense of ‘no matter what I do, my parents will always be there’,” Langtiw explains. So, when the fury must surface, she aims at you – her “safe” target.

   

#3 Model better ways of expression. “You can tell teens lots of things, but what they see is what they’ll do,” says Langtiw. If you’re slamming things around and snapping at everyone after a bad day at work, your teen will probably react the same when angry. Conversely, if you say you’ve had a rough day and need a few minutes alone to cool down, that behavior will likely be mimicked.

   

#4 Give them power. It may seem your teen thinks he has tons of power, but sometimes explosive anger comes from the teen feeling others have all the power and he has none, Langtiw says. To help your teen see he can affect situations and control his reactions to them, she says: “Go through specific steps and help the child identify what it was that made them angry, how they handled the situation, and what they could do differently.” The point isn’t to blame the teen (sometimes they’re angry for valid reasons), but by getting them to step back and look for alternatives, they’ll be better equipped to deal with the situation next time.

 
 

Teens are known for being rebellious and moody, but don’t assume all anger is “typical” teen behavior. Anger can mask a variety of things–fear, jealousy, depression, and irritability related to a physical illness, Langtiw says. “If the anger is happening in a number of places (not only at home), if it’s disproportionate to that of other kids, if there’s any violence, lots of sadness, incessant crying, or threats to harm himself or others, those are signs to seek help from a professional,” she says.

   

While anger can leave both teens and parents on edge, Langtiw says, “Listening to your children, making sure they feel heard, allowing them the developmentally appropriate amount of autonomy and choice, and modeling proper ways to handle and express the anger” will help take the edge off.

 

 

Tamekia Reece is a writer  n Houston, TX. She's written on parenting topics for Parents, Woman's Day, Parenting, and Fit Pregnancy. Visit her at? www.tamekiareece.com. 

Comments

[suburbancorrespondent]

This is a joke, right? I'm supposed to let my daughter yell and scream at me because that feels "safe"? In other words, she is supposed to respect her teachers and other adults she comes into contact with, but not her mom?

I know this is the conventional wisdom, but it is dead wrong. So long as I didn't insist on my daughter speaking respectfully to me, her behavior at home got worse and worse. As soon as I did start demanding respectful interactions, her attitude and her behavior began to improve (slowly, but they did).

Do we want our kids to think that it is okay to speak abusively to those closest to them? What does that mean for their future spouses? In our house, our daughter can "vent" about whatever she wants - we don't deny her feelings. But she cannot do so by yelling, screaming, insulting us, etc. It just makes things worse.

Parents, insist on respect. You won't regret it. They can yell and scream in their rooms until they calm down enough to talk to you.

[Ilona]

To point #3, Modelling, I would also add saying sorry. When I behave inappropriately, I say so -- and I don't make excuses. "I'm sorry. I overreacted, and it didn't help matters at all." I will do this with my children, but they also see my husband and I do this with each other, and with other relationships. That's just how adults behave, right? (RIGHT?)

As for the expression of anger...
When my kids were toddlers, I started in with "You may be angry, but you may not scream (hit, spit, kick, whatever)." I have the same expectations of my teens.

*Anger* is allowed. You someone is not going to stop feeling an emotion just because you tell them to. There will likely be some physical expression of intense emotion -- raised voice, tears, pacing. But there is a line that my kids were never allowed to cross, and that was being disrespectful of me.

[Ilona]

I got distracted from my first response, which was positive. With that one corollary - you can be angry, but you express it appropriately - I thought this article was bang on. So often our children's intensity draws out a matching intensity in us, and then it's all downhill into chaos!

I also followed the link to Ms. Reese's website. A lot of interesting stuff in there - I will be back for more. Thanks for sharing it with us.

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