Back to School: Teen Policy, Don't Ask, Don't Tell

It's that time of year again and Alex is heading back to his boarding school. Alex and I are standing in his room. I've got a checklist and a pen. The suitcase is open in the middle of the floor. Clothes are stacked up on the bed.

We've done this before, I'm quietly confident. I've already weeded out the too-small clothes and replaced them so it should be a simple task: find the items, tick them off the list, put them in the suitcase.

Alex asked me last month if perhaps he could have a new blazer as the school one was so uncomfortable.

"I don't think you are allowed to." This is part of the school uniform, bought at the school shop. They aren't particularly strict but  I suspect the jacket is the one bit of the outfit that would need to match.

I told him I didn't think it was a good idea and then I forgot all about it. You all are already shaking your heads, knowing better, right?

So here we are, organised and ready. Until I get to the blazer on the checklist. My eyes narrow before I even read it off.

The blazer should be dry cleaned. I've not done any dry cleaning. The blazer isn't clean. How did I miss it?

"Alex, where's your blazer."

"Um, I don't know."

I stare at him. "Did you bring it home?"

"No." There's a heavy silence and then he follows up with oh-so-helpful details.  "Um. I lost it."

"You lost your blazer and you have known this how long?"

He shuffles his feet and then meets my eye and answers, giving every appearance of being helpful. "Well, I initially noticed when they did the school photos..."

It was my turn to lose it.

"You have known your blazer was missing since THE BEGINNING OF JUNE? Are you joking? Why didn't you say so?"

"Because you'd get upset."

"OF COURSE I'M UPSET, FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

"See?" His eyes start to glaze over.  "I knew you'd do this"

Oh God. Don't let that be tears. I don't want to see tears.

"What am I supposed to do?!" I storm out of his room, the half-packed suitcase abandoned on the floor. I hate this. I hate how disorganised he is. I hate how mean and horrible I feel. I hate the fact that he's on his last week at home and now we are fighting.

I hate the fact that I thought I'd worked so hard to keep things smooth this year and I feel like he's gone and messed it up.

Clearly I can't send him back to school without a blazer.  He already spent his entire birthday money paying back things he's mislaid: financial sanctions depress him but do not seem to have any lasting effect. I don't see what other options I have, though.

I get in touch with the school: yes, they will organise a new blazer for him quickly. The woman is reassuring, the kids won't really be wearing their blazers for a month or two, when the weather gets colder. It's not a crisis.

I sit down with Alex again once I'm calm and try to have a rational conversation. He has to tell me these things. Yes, I'll be upset but this makes me MORE upset. I'm not sure how to make more upset a viable threat.

Of course I understand the longing to put it off: maybe the blazer will show up and the whole thing will go away. Who wants to walk straight into the lion's den?

But I can't just dismiss it and he doesn't have the kind of income where I can simply say, "you replace it" and make it his problem.

So here we are, both of us upset and unhappy, neither of us able to answer the question I threw out in anger: What am I supposed to do?

This isn't the way I want to spend the last week of his summer...

Comments

[ora]

I don't have any advice for you, just a hug and the knowledge that you are not alone in this. I've been taking the pro-active approach on clothes recently, or at least shoes. Last time that Abe came home he said that his sandals (which he was still wearing)were broken. So we looked for sandals and ended up getting 2 pair and trying on sneakers for the fall. No sneakers until this trip home but now I won't get an emergency call about shoeware!

[Nancy]

Likewise, no advice for you. But, know that you are not alone. Other than the boarding school the scene is very similar to one played out in my son's bedroom a week ago that involved his "assembly dress" suit that is worn to school once a week. It seems that back in May when he last wore it he ripped the suit pants and ended up stuffing it in the back of his closet. Even though he worked all summer I couldn't find it in me to make him pay for the new suit.

[Karen]

I had an argument with my son the day before he left to go to the Air Force. I hated it, and I know he did too. He stormed out of the house and went to his girlfriend's parents house to spend the night, so I didn't see him again before he left. I was feeling so bad about it, but after lunch that day at work, I had a voice mail from him. He apologized to me and said he loved me. I wish I had been there to answer the phone.

These things happen, we can't stop them no matter how much we try. He'll grow up and be responsible. don't fret over this.

[Molly]

One of the most difficult lessons in parenting for me was to learn not to go postal when my kids told me something I didn't want to hear. I knew it was important that they not be afraid to bring me bad news, and it took a lot of my assuring them that they needed to tell me right away and I promised not to explode if they did so. It was the hiding and deception that I really objected to. After all, we all screw up from time to time. At least I do. I did learn eventually to take a deep breath (okay so maybe it was a sigh), and just ask, "so, what are we going to do now?" Kids are amazingly adept at finding creative solutions. Mine even agreed that replacement clothing would have their name and phone number sewn into the lining.
Maybe there's a gently used blazer from a former student available?

[Sylvia]

I've been taking deep breaths since I wrote this.

Thanks for all the sympathy and for the advice. He REALLY disorganised and constantly losing things, it does drive me insane. A lot of it is personal things which doesn't get replaced (fairly recently, his Gameboy) so it's not that he doesn't care, I don't think.

[Daisy]

Hugs to you and your boy. I hope all turns out well. Most of all, I hope he'll tell you earlier next time there's a big issue like this one. These scenes are heartwrenching.

[amyz5]

Molly had some great advise there. I try to tell my kids that no matter how bad it is, whatever they have done I am probably a little better equipped to help them solve it than if they try keep it from me. And invariably I usually find out anyway.

Some teens are just scatter brained. Some adults are for that matter. You can only do your best to use your nurture to nudge his nature. But in the end, the relationship and communication have to trump the stuff, right?

Hang in there. You are doing the best you can. And as my dad always says, this too shall pass.

[Sylvia]

Yes, I desperately need to work at keeping my temper when he does tell me. And I definitely want to reinforce the message of talk to an adult.

His shoes are missing as well. Do I get to scream?

[Laura D.]

How about asking him how he's going to solve the problem? HIS shoes, HIS problem, and thus possibly his solution.

[Ilona]

I think Laura's onto something. One of the transitions of the teen years is shifting the problem-solving responsibilities from parent to teen.

He can't afford to pay for the entire cost of the blazer, but perhaps he can shoulder part of it, or earn it in some other way? Molly's idea of a less expensive, used one is good, too, assuming this is an option.

You how he can keep doing this stuff if he really cares. I'll bet, yes, he does. I'm guessing it's not just your anger that made him tear up, but also his own feelings. Maybe I'm wrong, but my son (19 now) was EXACTLY the same at that age. His scatteredness drove *him* crazy, too. He was already embarrassed by himself, so admitting it to mum was doubly humiliating.

He's better now. Not perfect, but better -- and he's found himself a TOTALLY organized girlfriend!

[Sylvia]

Yes, I think both Molly and Laura are right in that I need to remember to focus the issues back on him. It's shakey though - his means of dealing with the shoes was "well, I go back to school and see if they turn up."

One thing I know: next summer? I'm checking stuff on the way IN not on the way OUT! *grumble*

[Zayna]

I really can't add much to what everyone else said, some great advice there.

I could so relate to "Yes, I'll be upset but this makes me MORE upset. I'm not sure how to make more upset a viable threat."

Trying to get across to a teenager (especially boys it seems) that mad now is a lot better than mad later, is a toughie.

All they see is angry mom, degrees seem to be lost on them.

[Sylvia]

Zayna - I like your description of degrees lost on them - that's exactly what it feels like!