Back To School: When it's not what you planned

I had originally planned to discuss our plans for back to school, but we really don't have any plans. The kids will put on their backpacks and head out the door, and that's pretty much it. I'll probably dance the happy dance and pray to God that this year goes smoothly, but we really aren't in a back to school mode here. Maybe because we've got big worries about a friend right now.

A girl in my son's program has become very friendly with my daughter over the school year. Maybe it's because she's my daughter's boyfriend's sister, maybe it's because she's a nice kid with a lot of things going on and my kid is Ms Empathy. I don't know, but I do know they've grown very close in the past few months.

This girl in going into her senior year of high school. She also just became a mother this past weekend.

At just 17 she had a beautiful baby boy. We went to see him in the hospital just hours after he was born. Oh my, such an adorable little guy.

But the mom? She's not doing well. It's a long involved story with a bad abusive baby daddy and a new boyfriend who can't take the pressure and broke up with her, and parents who just aren't quite with it.

This new mom is planning to go back to school in six weeks. She actually wants to go when school starts next week, but it's not going to happen. I was thinking about her today, thinking about being 17 and a new mom, with a family that's not particularly supportive and a baby daddy that's got some serious issues. She wants to go to college. She wants to make something of herself. She's a good kid that bad things have happened to. And now she's got this teeny baby who is solely dependent on her.

She's going to start school next week with a home tutor and her regular school work. Did you know that new moms still in school are given the same maternity rights as the rest of us moms? She gets 6 weeks of tutoring at home before she's expected to attend school. She's found a daycare that takes infants, and she'll be leaving him during the school day. She'll be a regular kid for about 6 hours a day, and then it's back to being a mommy.

I can't even imagine this. I've thought and thought about it. Right now she's going through a bit of post-partum depression and she's spending a lot of her time crying. She hasn't taken a shower or gotten dressed in 3 days. Her parents haven't suggested that she call her doctor. They don't know. All of their kids are adopted and they have no experience with infants. This girl was 4 when she came to their home.

My heart is breaking for this girl. While her friends are having fun at school, she's going to stuck at home all alone with a brand new baby. At 17. While her friends attend classes, she's going to be caring for a baby and doing all her classwork.

For me, teenage pregnancy was always sort of abstract. Oh, I've known kids who got pregnant in high school, but never well and never with daily contact. I've seen the After School Specials, I've even seen the films. But this is real life and it is painful and scary. This is a girl who made some mistakes, to be sure, but she's mired in a situation that is too much for her to do by herself. She should be excited to go back for her senior year. She should be thinking about senior portraits and the prom and applying to college. Instead, she's a mommy with a mommy that can't really help her, a baby daddy that's dangerous, and seemingly no real support.

Back to school for this girl is just plain painful.

Comments

[the planet of janet]

how heartbreaking for her.

on the other hand (and i hate to be the sympathy buzz kill here), when you make the adult decision to have unprotected sex, get pregnant and then carry the baby to term and KEEP him, there are adult consequences that result.

the fact that those consequences rob her of her childhood? should have been considered nine months ago.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Has she considered adoption? It's not too late. And, if the parents aren't getting her medical help for the depression, I would be tempted to step in. That's serious.

[Daisy]

It hurts to watch - and it can hurt to be involved. I know you and Girl will do what you can, if you can, but take care of yourselves first. Easier said than done, isn't it?

[amzy5]

that is certainly a sobering back to school post. and one that sheds some true perspective on what is important in life as opposed to the little things that tend to stress us out.

[McSwain]

I was unmarried (although not a teen) when I unexpectedly became pregnant with my son--just to put some perspective on my comment. First of all, re. Janet-- unplanned pregnancy does not necessarily mean unprotected sex. I was using birth control when I got pregnant--there's no such thing as 100%.

That said, consequences can suck, and sometimes they're harder to deal with than others. But perhaps if we raised our children to be more aware of consequences, there would be fewer girls going through this type of thing today.

[Kelliqua]

Speaking as an ex-teen mother myself I would hope that those who are close to the girl would offer her every ounce of support that they can. Many new mothers of all ages have post-partum depression, feel overwhelmed, confused and lack faith in their ability to raise a child. Of course, if she's really not ready to be responsible for a human being adoption is *always* an option and I'd certainly remind of her this.

Although her situation isn't optimal she can still have and make a good life for herself and her child regardless of her young age.

Encourage her to continue her education. Be a shoulder to cry on when the going gets tough (as it does for all moms - all ages - look at this blog!). Provide her with resource information on child-rearing and development, nutrition, find her a support group (many areas have these through the Health Dept./Social Services specifically geared to teen parents) and most importantly for the girl in question - give or lead her to legal info and self-help for the abusive baby daddy. Her and her child's life could depend on that.

It's totally irrelevant at this point to say "Well you should of thought of that 9 months ago". There is a child alive in the world now and ultimately, who is going to suffer most if this girl is hung out to dry, left with no support in her situation?