Xtreme Parenting: Teen Edition

I've had people tell me, "You know, SuburbanCorrespondent, we like your regular blog; but that MCMM? It gets depressing - all you folks do is complain." 

To which I say, "Welcome to raising teenagers!"  Because, let's face it, mothers of toddlers can complain about dirty diapers one minute, then wax rhapsodic the next over the maximum cuteness that is a 2-year-old.  Teens?  Not cute.  Even if you love them, and they are behaving halfway human, there's nothing bloggable in that.  So it is the down side that gets all the press, I'm afraid - the tantrums, the self-centeredness, the....whoops - there I go again.

That said, there is a difference between complaining about teenager behavior and letting your teens walk all over you.  Yes, I'll blog about something outrageous my teens have said or done.  But rest assured, there is retribution.  There is revenge.  There is something that will keep me from feeling like a doormat.  Because, you know what? (now watch out, here it comes...)

I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.

Are you beginning to understand?  Sure, my teens might break the rules, and be pigs, and be rude.  No one's perfect.  And there is no way to parent that will ensure that teens behave perfectly.  However, there is a way to parent that will ensure that teens will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they have stepped over the line.  Repeat after me:

I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.

Very good.  Therefore, if someone (say, a teen) wishes to enjoy house or computer or TV or cellphone privileges, it behooves him/her to suck up to the person in charge, now doesn't it?  And when you think about it, sucking up to the person in charge can be a very valuable life skill.  It is incumbent upon us parents to inculcate our teens with this skill.  So what do you do the next time he/she is rude/messy/inconsiderate?  Repeat after me:

I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.

Very good. You're getting better at that. 

You know, last year, when my daughter was attending 8th grade at our public school and loved it?  If she decided to come home and be rude/discourteous/unhelpful to her parents after spending the school day acting human for her teachers, well....the next morning the poor dear couldn't find her shoes.  Nope.  She was stuck home.  Where she could practice her manners all day long.  And if she practiced well....hey! presto!  Her shoes reappeared the next morning.  Magic!

We have one computer in our house.  It has a login password that only my husband and I know.  And we don't have to type in that password for any child who cannot remember how to do the dishes.  If they say, "I forgot!" then we say, "Whaddaya know? We just forgot the password!"  It's fun.

Our teens each have their own rooms.  But remember, it is MY house.  And in MY house, each morning the beds are made, and trash is removed from the floor of the bedrooms, and clean clothes sitting around in laundry baskets are put away.  Because that's what my teens like to do.

NOT! They hate it.  But if it doesn't get done, they can't get rides (it's MY car, you know); and they can't get computer access (see above); and they can't receive phone calls....I hope you all are getting the idea by now.

Some people feel that this approach is unkind.  Not friendly.  They want to have a pleasant relationship with their teens.  So they don't punish them.  They don't withhold the goodies. But is it a pleasant relationship if you are being kind to and considerate of your children, yet they are being rude to and dismissive of you?  And is it right to teach them that they can be rude to someone and that someone will still let them do what they want?  Is it fair to their future spouse to let your teens think that that is how interpersonal relationships work?

Those were all rhetorical questions, by the way.

You can't have a good relationship with your teens until they treat you with respect, automatically, all of the time.  That doesn't mean they agree with all your decisions; it means that they do not swear at you, roll their eyes at you, yell at you, or refuse to do what is expected of them.  Those conditions are what are known as non-negotiables.  It doesn't matter how they feel about these conditions, people.  It is the parents who are in charge.  Remember?

I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.

Margalit blogged yesterday about hiding her daughter's hair straightener because she would never put it away. (And believe me, Margalit, I was rooting for you - you go, girl!)  But then her daughter found it and took it back.  Should Margalit admit defeat? I don't think so.  Margalit, you go into her room or bathroom or whatever and take it all - the lotions, the conditioner, the straightener (of course) and hide it all in a better place - say, in someone else's house.  Leave her a few items (soap, comb, shampoo, perhaps).  Explain that if those items are put away properly for an entire week, you will give her one or two items back.  And if those items are put away properly for a week? She gets a few more back.  Just make sure that the straightener is last.  Ignore the symptoms of apoplexy she will exhibit as you explain the new system to her.  And enjoy the heady feeling of power.  It's intoxicating.

And the Xbox and TV that your son loves so much?  Remove them.  Give them away, even.  That really gets a teen's attention.  And there is no law against padlocking your refrigerator.  It just looks a little weird to visitors.  Sometimes teens require Xtreme Parenting.  It doesn't mean you've failed.  It just means you get to think outside the (X)box for a bit.

A friend of mine says she doesn't want to get engaged in a zillion battles like this with her teen.  But the beauty of drawing a line in the sand and doing something radical is this: you only have to do it a few times before your teen starts to think twice.  There won't be as many battles because they know you mean business.  I haven't even had a reason to hide my daughter's shoes lately.  Bummer.  It was sort of fun watching her look for them.

Comments

[Sylvia]

A timely reminder. :)

[Di]

I went to a seminar on internet safety and the instructor, a detective with the local police, told parents to make sure they have access to their kids' e-mail, IM, facebook and all that. One of the parents said, "What if they won't give it to me?" The instructor calmly pointed out that the computer, the internet connections, etc. are all paid for by the parents and can therefore be removed by the parents. The parent thought this was an alien concept.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Love that story!

[Kim]

I love it! We have two teen girls. I call it the firestorm years, as I am always putting our little "fires" they have started...
Margalit- I found my daughter's HOT flatiron on the computer desk. Yes, ironing her hair while IM'ing. It is now in the city dump!! Just, one time too many it has been found outside the bathroom in a place that could burn MY house down.
I love MCMM because I know that their are other moms living under fire and can relate!!!

[suburbancorrespondent]

Somehow, I can picture that!

[Jennifer H]

Please don't stop blogging before my daughter is a teenager.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

I totally share your philosophy. We've removed doors from rooms when they were slammed in anger, turned off cellphones for back talk, and I will call you to come home and fix a crappy cleaning job every single time.

I think of it like vaccinating your kids--yes, it hurts both of you, but it's for their own good.

[the planet of janet]

i think i love you.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Thanks, Jenn - good analogy. My teen daughter threw me for a bit by labeling me a control freak, until I realized that - hey! - I'm supposed to be a control freak. I'm her parent.

[Jill]

Now, that's what I call good parenting!

We're not here to be our kid's best friends, we're here to raise decent human beings.

We are on the verge of having our first teenager. The eye rolling and obnoxious remarks are beginning to appear. Because of this, the Playstation has been spending some time in our closet instead of hooked to the television.

Good job SC.

[Erin]

Great stuff! None of this is easy, but it's important to set limits, so the kids can get a better sense of their own boundaries later on. If we're not modeling decent boundaries - these guys get a really shaky sense of themselves in the world.
:-)

[Lynn K.]

I think I have my kids under control...totally agree with you. Now I try not to let my dogs walk all over me. I tell them "I am the alpha dog. I buy your food. I feed you. I will go first."

And I love you where ever you write : )

[Susan]

I love this! My girl is just 11 but I can see a storm a coming in the near future. It makes total sense to me and I WILL be employing many of these ideas.

[Chelsea]

ooooooh, I'd hate to be your kid. You know, you can be firm and also be human at the same time.

[Daisy]

Depressing? Negative? I see a lot of humor in these posts, too. I guess you have to know teen-parenting-speak to understand.

[Jerri Ann]

My feed reader hails about 500 so I'm a little late getting to these comments but I have a couple of good ones. See, my dad was a high school teacher. He never once complained about how "difficult" I was, (not that I heard anyway). I think he was basically just glad that when the day was done, there was only one of me of the 100 or so he saw on a daily basis in class that went home with him.

Anyway, when I tell people these 2 stories, they look at me like I'm an idiot, but then ...after they think about it a little, they realize, my father was a genius when it come to dealing with teenagers (especially one who was never in trouble anyway, you know, finished in top 5% of my class, called if I was going to be 2 minutes late, always let him know my whereabouts).

First story goes like this. I didn't go to the same high school where he taught. We lived in a town where I actually had 3 choices. I chose the most academically difficult one. I really was a good kid. But, as far as distance from our home and from the school he taught, things were never easy. The first 2 years I rode the bus to and from school and my father picked me up afterwards if I had any kind of extra practices, volleyball, band, softball, you name it, I did it.

Once I turned 16, he took me that very day to get my driver's license and had previously (about a month prior) bought me a car. People laughed at him. People made fun of him. They thought he was simply spoiling me. And, to some degree, he was. But, as I've already mentioned, I never gave him a reason to question.

However, one rosey morning after he had already left for school, I had a visitor(I was awake and getting dressed when he left so he assumed I was going to school). We decided not to go to school.

I got scared a couple of hours into the fun and went to school anyway. When I arrived home, we went through the questioning and all that. To make a long story short, he could have basically taken my car for a certain length of time and there, I would be punished. But, it would also make his life hell trying to get me to and from the places (academic ones mind you, not the fun stuff), that I needed to be. So, instead, for 4 weeks, I had to be home by 9 pm every night of the week, including weekends.

Now, from my perspective, if he had taken my car for a weekend or two, I could have faked sick or went to visit family out of town, but to be in town, out and about and be seen and then explain that "Oh and btw, I have to be home by 9 tonight"...oh that was painful people, that was painful!

I'll try to make this one a little shorter. After I graduated high school, which was 1986 and apparently I thought it was 1976, I refused to wear shoes. Nope, not to college classes, not in public fast food places, not the grocery store, no where, I was NOT wearing shoes. But, every time I left home, my dad would say, "better put some shoes in the car, just in case" and I would laugh, and say, "in case of what? I don't need any shoes"

Well, after many many many weeks of no shoes, it's mid to late July, the heat index today here was 120, I don't know what it was in 1986 but I'm sure it was close and obviously I could look it up. Anyway, little miss don't need any shoes ran out of gas. This was his chance to teach me 2 lessons. First of all, I had to walk, on hot pavement, with no shoes over half of a mile to get to a pay phone. I know a half of a mile is not far, but on black pavement and no shoes...trust me, it is hot and unpleasant. I called him, he arrived, handed me the gas can to fill and then handed me my shoes and watched me walk back to my car. Call it extreme, I remember. I remember it well.

At that time, he said to me, "I have a half of a tank of gas in that car, if I ever get in it and my half of a tank is gone, I'm taking your allowance to fix it". Ok, dad, I promise, never below a half of a tank.

Trust me when I tell you that a couple of months later my car wouldn't start, wouldn't start, appeared to have gasoline in it but wouldn't start. He had the auto towed to the local garage where $40 in towing fees and $40 in gasoline (this was 1986, gas was not $4 a gallon either) and not only did I get a good talking to about this one, I had no allowance left when he finished.

One last thing, that summer I refused to wear shoes, I ended up with these horrible warts on the bottom of my feet. Like one day there was 10, the next day 50, the next day 100, it was bad.

Ok, that's my 2 lessons learned. I'm a big proponent of paying the price. We do spank our children if their hand is headed to a light socket, but for most punishment, it fits the crime. Don't wanna pick up toys in toy room? No problem, let me get a garbage bag. You never seen little kids move so fast.

Just had to share, sorry it was so lengthy.

[Debbie]

I don't have to hide my daughter's shoes - she does that herself - under the huge pit of clothes and trash she calls 'her' bedroom.

As for the computer - there's a little cord you unscrew - not very long, not very big - easy to stash away! "Hmmm, I don't know why the internet's not working, 'I' haven't had any problems!"

[Kelly]

I'm step-mom to a pre-teen girl. Sometimes when I punish her, she "gets me back" as retribution. For example, I punished her for something and she put my bra in the shower and soaked it so the next morning when I found it, it was too late to dry it. How do you handle that?