Parenting manual? You write your own.

Finding that balance. Knowing when to step in, when to hold back. It's so hard!

I'm now on my third teen. With my first, my expectations were both too high and too low.  I asked for too much in the way of time, thus constricting her so-important burgeoning social life, and at the same time, I asked for too little, and cushioned her too often against the normal knocks of reality.

It caused problems between us. In her eyes I was at fault for wanting her home for dinner so much; I was at fault when I was reluctant to bail her out of a problem of her own making. I couldn't win for losing...

But you know? I kinda set myself up for that.

You have more than one kid, you learn as you go. I'm now on my third (bio) kid, with even more step kids to learn from as well, at least vicariously.

So this month's cell phone bill comes in.

Holy crap.

There are four cell phones in this house. My husband and I keep to our packages, no problem. My son, who is 19 now, pays his own. It is my youngest. the just-turned-15-year-old, whose bill is the problem. Her cell phone bill is normally $35.00.

This month's was $100.00.  One.Hundred.Dollars. That's SIXTY-FIVE extra dollars. If sixty-five dollars isn't a decent chunk of money in your household budget, first let me say that I am envious, but second, let me note that it is almost a 200% increase in the budget.

TWO HUNDRED PERCENT. THREE times more than I expected to pay. Because the girl talked waaaaay too much, and sent over three hundred more text messages than are included in her package. Over THREE HUNDRED.

How does one go over by THREE HUNDRED texts? We are not talking a mere five or ten or even twenty messages. THREE HUNDRED messages. That's TEN A DAY. Ten MORE, every SINGLE day, than the one hundred (THREE a day) than she is currently allowed. You'd think you'd notice this tiny discrepancy?

Now, part of this is the fault of a friend, a cute, energetic, fun, friendly, cheerful friend that I thoroughly love. This friend also has ADD. She has NO impulse control. Zip. Nada. Delightful girl, but she has unlimited texting (and if I were her mother, I'd do the same), and she does not realize that everyone else does not. My daughter can RECEIVE all the texts she likes, for free ... it's returning them that costs money...

And, you know how it is... when you have a friend who texts you CONSTANTLY, it would be, like, RUDE, not to text back. At least once in a while.

Like, THIRTEEN TIMES A DAY. (You know, the three you're allowed, and then TEN MORE.)

Now, if this had been my eldest child, I would have spoken to her, I would have explained that this was unacceptable ... and I would have felt badly for her and paid it, "this time".

And then, my forty-something memory being what it is, I would have FORGOTTEN that the next month, when it happened again, and there would probably have been another "this time"...

However, I do learn, eventually. Even my memory catches on to these patterns. Eventually. So now, even though I know it will make her unhappy, even though I know it will cause her some degree of financial hardship, there is no "this time" for this child. I show her the bill. The sixty dollars extra talk time. The forty dollars extra text time. Mom will not bail her. There is a Serious Discussion, and a Respectful Negotiation.

The upshot?

1. We have purchased a more generous text package.
2. She will curtail her daytime phone minutes.
3. She will pay the extra $10/month for the more generous text package.
4. I will cover the $60 talk time.
5. She will cover this month's texting surcharge.
5a. If she goes over in minutes next month, she will have the choice of paying for the minutes on a month-by-month basis, or paying the extra fees for a more generous plan.

Works for me -- and you know what? It works for her, too. She's not thrilled at the thought of paying more money ... so she's already coming up with strategies for keeping her costs in line. We'll see how successful she is.

Either way, it's HER problem, not mine.

Children do not come with a parenting manual. I've always regretted that. The nice thing about having more than one is that the previous kid(s) is (are) your "parenting manual" for the subsequent ones. My third child is both luckier (more laidback mom on social issues) and more controlled than the oldest.

This evening, I was sitting on a neighbour's porch having a glass of wine when my youngest walked down the street, returning from a babysitting job. She crossed the street to join us, sits with us, leans her head against my knee.

"We just love the way you two are," said the neighbour wife. The husband agrees: "You two are just so warm and comfortable together."

And my daughter, who only that morning had been told she owed me $40 immediately, and $10/month from now on, the girl who was scrambling to find ways to reduce her talk time this month, looked at them and smiled. "I have a very cool mom."

She has an experienced mom.

I have a very cool daughter.

Comments

[Nina]

You DO have a very cool daughter. Great post.

[the planet of janet]

awesome post. erma bombeck once said that children should be like waffles. you should be able to throw out the first one.

now, obviously, i wouldn't want to throw away my first child, but now that i'm on my FOURTH teen, my rules are different, my standards are different, and my relationship with THAT child is warm, loving and the source of great joy.

most of the time. :-D

[Ilona]

Nina - thanks!

PlanetJanet - I'd not heard that quote, but it's a good one. My firt (she's 22 now) is a source of great satisfaction to me, but I parented her MUCH differently than I do my youngest -- to our mutual distress! We had a rugged three years in here, in part because of parenting lessons I hadn't yet learned...

[Daisy]

"Either way, it's HER problem, not mine." Knowing when to transfer that responsibility is huge. I'm not sure I've learned it yet. Oh, cell phones! Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

[Florinda]

One thing I've learned is that making older kids and teens financially responsible for the costs of their missteps tends to be very effective in encouraging behavior modification. That's not to say there aren't other ways to teach the concept of responsibility, but since that one's very tangible, it seems to work pretty well - and quickly.

I would have negotiated a similar plan, if my son had HAD a cell phone as a teen.

[Nancy]

Wonderful! I'm not the only one out here who thinks teens should live by rules & learn what it takes to pay for their own mistakes! I can say you did the right thing because I've done exactly the same thing with the cell phone.

[Di]

I don't know if you would want to do this, but you might want to call your cell provider. If it's the first time she has gone over, you can claim ignorance and tell them that you went to the more generous plan. They might refund some of the money. Last year our passel of 5 cell phones dipped into our rollover minutes, used them up and used another $900 worth of minutes!!! Yikes!!! The cell phone company only ended up charging me what it would have cost if I had the plan that allowed us that many minutes. It's worth a try!

[Ilona]

Daisy - I'm not sure I have this one nailed just yet, but I do know I'm getting better!

Florinda - In this instance, since the only negative consequence of the mis-step was financial, it seems only fair she at least share it. And yes, when something *costs* them, they certainly sit up and take notice! Much more effective than a lecture...

Nancy - Thanks! I see this as part of responsible parenting. You're not going to be able to teach your child never to make mistakes, but you can teach them how to respond when they mess up. If they don't learn to deal with their mistakes now, when will they? When they have rent to pay and (heaven help us) credit cards to max out??

Di - That sounds like a very smart suggestion. It might be too late, several days after I've switched plans, but it's worth a shot. Thank you!