Best-Dressed

Suburban Correspondent here again with a discussion question.  Open book.  It's all about dress codes for teens (and I think we all know that we're mostly talking about teen girls here).  Mary Alice had an interesting post last week, all about the wisdom of being open with our children about sex (or s-e-x, as she put it).  As an aside, she mentioned that her mother had never put any restrictions on how Mary Alice's youngest sister dressed.  And this comment gave me pause.

As anyone who reads my blog knows, my teen daughter Anna and I have had several run-ins on the what-to-wear issue.  Appalled by the sultry, I-am-a-slut look that seems to be in vogue for teen girls, I've endeavoured mightily to hold the line at my daughter dressing in a manner that communicates to others her sense of self-respect.  Oddly enough, Anna doesn't seem to like the long-sleeved prairie dresses and high-buttoned shoes I've picked out for her....

Ha, ha - just kidding - but, from the way she acts, you would think that is how I am telling her to dress.  Essentially, my dress code rules have consisted of basic guidelines regarding cleavage display, heel heights, and skirt and shorts lengths.  She has cooperated, but it hasn't been pleasant.

And yet, it is hard for me to imagine saying to her, "Wear whatever you like, honey."  Somehow, it seems disrespectful for Anna to be sitting in the same room as her father with her boobs hanging out of her shirt or with 3-inch heels showing off leg all the way up to mid-thigh.  And it would feel odd to me for her father to let her go out into the world that exposed and vulnerable looking.  I doubt anything bad would happen to her, but it still seems to be sending a message that he doesn't care at all about protecting his daughter.

So (and here is my question, finally) - does any of it matter at all?  Really? Type neatly, and make sure to give examples to back up your answers.  Input from fathers would be appreciated.  And extra credit will be given for amusing anecdotes.  Because I could really use a laugh right now.

Comments

[daisy]

Does her school have a dress code? I've sent students (young girls!) to the office because their shorts are too short. You may be able to use it to your advantage.
My other advice: take a picture, and make sure it's not flattering. Use it to your advantage.

[suburbancorrespondent]

She's homeschooled, currently; but the year she was in school, her fashion sense got worse, not better. Public school dress standards are pretty darn low.

[Lynn K.]

I guess I am lucky that neither of my girls were/are into fashion. Second even less than the first. I have no advice. What to wear was never a battle. Maybe they just instinctively knew their dad and I would kick their butts if they looked anything close to a sleaze. I don't know....maybe they sneak out and change clothes....around us, they dress normal. Maybe that is why Oldest moved out????? So she could dress how she wanted???? OMG! What if she dresses slutty now? Now I have to find her apartment and surprise her....we'll just see what she thinks when I show up with turtlenecks and sweatpants in hand. Ha. It's only 90 degrees here....

[Lynn]

What one wears, matters. I thought this article was on-target.

http://www.meridianmagazine.com/imageintegrity/071106manage.html

Check out her archives; she has lots of good things to say. Particularly the one about cami's worn as outerwear.

I think if moms banded together and refused to buy the immodest fashions for their children, and if we made them take it back to the store if they bought it with their babysitting money, it wouldn't take more than a season or two for the stores to catch on that we have had enough.

On a related topic, I *loathe* the new style of maternity clothing. I do not want to know when my neighbor's innie becomes an outie.

[Lynn]

I see that the link did not fully transfer. If you go to the website and then find the "Image Integrity" archives, I suspect that number is the date it was published.

Hope that helps.

[suburbancorrespondent]

I think that this link is even more to the point. Thanks, Lynn!

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

Oh the issues we've had! I know I'm a little more lenient than you, but feel pretty much the exact same way you do.

I try to balance things--if you're wearing a more conservative dress I'll let you get away with a higher shoe. If you're wearing shorts it's thongs or tennis shoes. No cleavage--well she doesn't have much, but jeez she is only in 8th grade. That's what camis are made for.

My husband will be the first one to say "Those shorts are done, they're too short now." A big problem for a girl that's gone from 5'2 to 5'7 in a year.

Our general rule is that you can dress to look pretty or cute, but never, ever sexy.

Off to check out Lynn's link.

[Emma kw]

Take them on a car ride to some of the more, ahem, less appealing parts of your local city so she can see what the well dressed lady of the night is wearing..........
Or you can flat out tell her she looks like a slut/hooker/Brittany Spears!! Sometimes our teens need the brutal truth put in their faces.
And lets not forget the guys - I want to scream everytime I see a guy with his backside hanging out above his jeans. A corrections officer friend told us the begginings of this trend - in prison, the low slung look signifies you are another inmates"[email protected]#ch", which was enough for my son to pull up his pants, literally!!

[Poppy Buxom]

Here's a link to the camisole article:

http://snurl.com/2ekoj

[Kayris]

It starts early. My daughter is 18 months old, and on the small side, but I have to buy 24 month shorts for her because I won't dress my BABY in shorts that show her BOOTY. In a fit of rage, I took pictures of her shorts, compared to those of her brother, who is 2 years older and wearing the same size. My post is here.

I read Rosalind Wiseman's book, "Queen Bees and Wannabees" last year, which is about helping your daughter navigate cliques. In it, she advocates letting your daughter dress however she wants, because "she'll bring a change of clothes when she leaves and put ona sluttier outfit when you're not around." I thought the book had some good points, but she was way off on this one.

I don't have any specific advice, since my kids are so small, but I do remember what it was like to be that age and learning to be comfortable with your body and desperately wanting to be thought attractive by the opposite sex.

[Bonnie]

I have more issues with my oldest BOY on this one. I hate the pant's hanging halfway off his butt. People who dress this way are not usually sucessful business people or upstanding citizens. The only full grown men that dress like this are criminals or rap stars. I am constantly threatening him to take in all his jeans so he can't wear them that way. As parents it is our job to teach them, and it is their job to try to push the limits.

[Sylvia]

I'm intrigued about the crux of the issue being her father, to be honest.

[Di]

I recently had the occasion to read hundreds of scholarship applications, the majority of which were from high school seniors. A photo was included as part of each application and I was STUNNED at what kids chose. The heavy-duty decolletage photos from the nubile girls. The I'm holding my camera away from myself and snapping this photo because I can't be bothered to ask someone to take a quick picture ones. The boy with a 3-day growth of beard wearing the Kiss Me I'm Irish shirt.

Sheesh...whether you agree with what is acceptable dress-wise or not, wouldn't you toe the line if you were looking for someone to fund your education????

[JaniceNW]

I am currently enrolled in one of the local community college that has a Running Start program where juniors and seniors can get the hs degree and their AA in 2 years.

The vast majority of these kids dress like most of us in the NW, fleece vest, flannel shirt, jeans, boots, etc.

We have a huge Asian student population who come to learn English(HA!)they dress more American teen than the American teens, these are the girls I see in high heels, really high heels and every Asian guy looks the same. They all have same hair in their eyes haircut, glasses, hoodies, jeans, pricey sneaks. I don't think they realize how homegeneous they look.

The girls in junior high with my sons wore less than the high school girls and the college girls seem relatively sensible.

[Jill]

Two anecdotes for you.
When I was a young adult, I would go to church dances, and I made this observation. When I was wearing something trendy, such as a shorter skirt with high heels, I would get lots of attention, but the guys I met were not any that I was interested in dating. They were generally quite immature, and many were working in a dead end job (if they had one at all) and were generally just not that ambitious.
When I wore something more conservative, the guys I met were usually college graduates. With jobs. And people skills. And a car. They also treated me more respectfully than the others did.

When my brother was a teenager, he and a friend of his went to a car show. They had just come from a church activity, so they were dressed in nice pants and dress shirts (They might have also been wearing ties. I can't remember)
They were looking at an expensive sports car, and some other boys their age were asking if they could sit in it. These boys were dressed in torn jeans and t shirts, and the car show guy told them no and sent them away. Just a few minutes later, the car show guy asked my brother and his friend if they would like to sit in the car.

Yes, I think it makes a difference.
People treat you with respect if you are dressed respectfully.

p.s. You could always sneak in to Anna's room at night and slather her with Rogaine. Once the hair starts growing uncontrollably, she won't want to wear revealing clothing.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Jill, you are a sick-o! Where does one get Rogaine?

Di, your photo example is depressing. We encourage our young girls to think that sexy equals attractive, and so that is the main look that they go for. After 40 years of feminism, you would think that our bodies wouldn't be our main form of currency still.

sylvia - a respect for elders and their sensibilities may not be the crux of the issue, but it is definitely a major aspect of it, don't you think so? I'm not saying that her father would be aroused by the sight of her scantily clad; certainly not. But he would be disturbed to see the daughter he loves and is supposed to protect dressing like a hooker, the same as he would be displeased to hear her spouting epithets in his presence.

[margalit]

My almost 16 year old daughter is VERY attractive. She doesn't take after me! Seriously, she's what other kids would consider hawt. With a cute little body and gorgeous hair, she gets a LOT of looks. What I've seen is that no matter what she's wearing, she gets stared at by older men. This is a kid that wears sweats, mostly hoodies, all year round.

I know that in OUR city, how the girls dress is very important to their social lives. There are certain brands that, if you don't have it, you're never going to be as popular as if you do. But we're not talking sexy, we're talking North Face denali jackets and Ugg boots. These are MUST HAVES. Really.

I also know that my daughter and I often disagree on her choice of clothing. Today's shopping trip to Marshalls, the second this week, again ended up with her not buying any shorts. She likes them very short, I hate short shorts. But worse than that, the short shorts hit at the fattest part of the thigh and they are decidedly unattractive unless you have stick legs. I point that out time and time again to her, but she will not even consider longer shorts. So no shorts again this summer. I'll allow Sophys, but no other short shorts.

I don't think our teens look like hookers. At least not the hookers I'm familiar with. Most teens wear flipflops, not stilleto heels. Most teens were jeans, not satin hot pants. Most teens wear camisoles, not bustiers. Maybe YOU guys need to readjust your idea of what hookers wear!

I don't like the sexualization of our girls, but the fact is, in many cultures teenagers are already wives and mothers. These girls would have been considered adults and marriagable a couple hundred years ago. We want to keep our kids younger longer (I'm right there with you on that one!) and maybe that's why we have so much trouble accepting the more revealing styles that are out there.

[Emma kw]

Last time I saw a hooker in satin hot pants and a bustier it was in a film set in the 70's!!
I often have to travel to some of our larger cities, and not the nice parts, for work, and I can assure you, "working girls" dress in what ever they have that exposes as much as possible. Yes, they do wear flip flops, and short skirts, and little camis, and belly baring t-shirts with cute slogans on them that I saw in our local mall.....and a lot of them look no older than a high school Junior . And yes, some look straight out of a rap video, but for the most part, they look like high school girls . If you are looking for the satin hotpants and lucite heels, try 70's LA!!!

[ora]

At the time that my daughter was a toddler, I always dressed her in dresses that were at her knees. It was easier to keep her from pulling the skirt up to show her panties! But seriously, she has been at schools with applied dress codes and now she is going into a public high school and she is loving the fact that the dress code there is sooooo much looser than her previous schools. But, I'm fairly confident that she has her style secure and won't be falling out of her tops. The shorts on the other hand....

[Susan]

Thankfully we haven't had too much of an issue with how our girl wants to dress. Her school has a dress code so that cuts out a lot of the potential problems we could have. Other than that I think at 11-yrs old she realizes what mom and dad will allow and not allow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will continue to agree with us. Hopefully by the time she starts going to public school she'll have everything down pat and we won't have any fights.

[Pieces]

I look at the issue from the perspective of the mom of a teen boy. I want my son to be able to go about his life without half naked girls bouncing around him--distracting his already hormone-addled brain even more. My daughter will be raised not only to respect herself by being modest but to also respect the boys she is around by not being a sexual tease with the way she dresses.