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May 30, 2008


I've done rather a lot of the long distance relationships stuff since my divorce (whole other story!) but the ability to do nothing BUT talk was refreshing. The physical stuff just couldn't happen so we had to focus on getting to know each other. If we'd met in a bar or something it would have been very different.
Not to say that it worked out though - heh!

I also learned early on that conversation, perhaps equally or even more than sex, is the "glue" in a relationship. If I cannot talk on the phone someone, there is not much hope of the friendship deepening.

My best friend for the past 15 years (my husband) and I could always talk. Until the last year or so. One of the big signs to me our marriage may be over. He no longer is interested in sharing or listening. So, what's the point? I'm glad your daughter has someone like that in her life. It is the best thing ever.

Lack of conversation - or perhaps I should just say "talking" - really hasn't been a problem in either of my two marriages. During the last several years of my first one, though, it felt increasingly one-sided, and more like what I described as "lecture mode" on his side. A hazard of marriage to a college professor, perhaps?

My second husband and I had our first "conversations" via e-mail, and our first in-person meeting was five hours of easy talk. It's important to both of us to keep that talk going, and to sprinkle it regularly with humor. I think that's our real glue.

I tend to agree with you about Bekah - both about the concern, and the relief that this is a long-distance, talk-based relationship (for now).

I think young teen girls love long-distance relationships because they are so non-threatening. It's a boyfriend that you just talk to; he doesn't come between you and your girlfriends, get bossy, or do any of the annoying things that real-time boyfriends are wont to do at that age.

The distance puts an element of safety into the relationship, and lets them develop their conversational skills, too. Is she learning French from him? Or did I get the language relationship reversed?

Penelope - Nothing's foolproof, is it? But if it were, relationships would be a whole lot less exciting. I guess... :-)

Nina - I think, over the long term, conversation is more important than sex. You can have a meaningful life-long relationship without sex (thought I'd rather not!), but you can't have a meaningful life-long relationship without conversation. I can't, at any rate, and I'm not convinced it's possible.

justAcliche - Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you get to the bottom of it, so that you can know what to do next. Knowing something's not right, but not knowing what it is, nor what to do in response, is probably one of the most stressful situations to be in. I feel for you!

Florinda - True conversation is balanced and reciprocal. If one party is merely lecturing, it's not a conversation, not as I define it, anyway. Balanced over the long-term, because of course there will be times when one or the other of you dominates, due to a particular need or crisis.

And yes, I'm glad it's long-distance.

Molly - I hadn't considered this, but I think you're absolutely right. This makes a whole lot of sense. Thank you for the insight!

Daisy - They've played online Scrabble in French - she won! Mostly they communicate in English, though they've been known to switch to French when I'm getting in earshot. Should I be worried?

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