Teens. Value their privacy, they do. They don't want adults, parents in particular, knowing the ins and outs of their private lives. My kids are better than most, I think. They share quite a bit with me. Not, perhaps, the very second it happens, but I generally know the important stuff that's going on. But do they share every heartbeat? No. Do they keep things from me? Of course they do. Just as I keep parts of my life private from them. It's adult-to-near-adult courtesy.
It's also self-preservation. For the most part, I don't want to know the details. I remember the soap opera that is high school, and I don't miss it. I have no interest in plunging back into that seething slough of hormones and angst, not even vicariously. Bad enough when they bring their seething sloughs of hormones and angst home.
It doesn't matter though, because even when they think they're keeping things from me, I know. I'll always know. Always. It's not that the kids are so open and honest with me. It's not a mystical connection. It's not that I have a mother's second sight, woman's intuition, ESP, nor even eyes in the back of my head. None of those.
Nope.
My secret?
My kids never pick up after themselves.
I can tell at a glance what they had for their afternoon snack. (Orange juice, bagel with cheese, banana.) I know where they shop. (American Eagle, Garage, Dynamit) I know how much junk food they eat. (More than they should.) I know about teacher interviews they'd rather I didn't. Because they leave the evidence everywhere. On the counter, on the couch, on the dining table, on the floor of the front hall. While I despair of their slovenly ways (and blame my lack of strict training in their early years), I'd miss all this insight if they became suddenly tidy.
My son Daniel (18) has a girlfriend. Lovely girl. They've been together four months or so. So, being a responsible parent, I casually remind the boy young man of our safe sex talks, and further remind the boy young man where the condoms are kept. (In a cosmetics bag on a shelf by the bathroom door, refilled without counting. He knows this. It's been there for about five years, since his older sister was a little younger than he is now.)
"Don't worry, mom. I know where they are, but we haven't gotten there yet."
Do I believe him? Not really. It's possible, but, given how they spend any private moment so thoroughly entwined, not likely. Bottom line, though, it's his business. As long as he's using the damned condoms!
My kids are responsible to do their own laundry. Thus, if I shift their laundry from the washer to the dryer, or from the dryer to a laundry basket, they know I'm doing them a favour. It's a good system. Today it's Daniel whose laundry need to be shifted from washer to dryer so I can start my own load.
There at the bottom of the drum, under the wet darkness of the laundry I'm hauling out, I catch a glimmer of something white and shiny. A tidy little condom-packet. Not one of the dark foil packs from the cosmetic bag on the shelf by the bathroom. White plastic, and -- ugh -- banana-flavoured. Definitely not one of the house stock. Guess he doesn't believe me when I say we don't count them. Hell, I wouldn't believe me, either.
But now I know. I always do.
Ha! I can one up you on that! True story...I folded up my son's clothes and put them lovingly into his drawer...found condoms. When he came home, I asked, "Hey, what's up with that?" His response was, "What about it? You've always preached safe sex." Sooo...when his gf came over, I asked her how long she had been having sex with my son...I thought she would faint! Ended up with me giving another sermon on commitment, safe sex, etc.!
The lesson here is...Don't ask anything that you really don't want to know!
Posted by: Debbie | April 11, 2008 at 08:37 AM
PS...Banana flavored? Why?? Never mind...I really don't want to know.
Posted by: Debbie | April 11, 2008 at 08:40 AM
Great post and I'm with you on all aspects. My son knows I just know but we don't dicuss it until he's ready. I've given him complete privacy and unless I stumble on it, I do not snoop.
We can have great sharing conversations or he'll look at me and I can see it's a not discussing subject. Just being in tune with them and seeing even if they don't know it makes it all work. Does this make sense LOL LOL
Posted by: Debbie | April 11, 2008 at 09:12 AM
Sort of makes me wish for those days when all I had to lecture them on was sharing their toys...
Posted by: suburbancorrespondent | April 11, 2008 at 09:23 AM
Debbie - Yup. Isn't it so easy to go into "mom mode", trip over the privacy lines and end up somewhere you just don't want to be? Been there, done that. (And banana? Well, there's a certain phallic inevitability about the flavour, at any rate...)
Debbie - Being in tune with them, and being ready to listen when they're ready to talk is hard. Being willing to wait when they're not willing to talk is even harder. And sometimes you have to push them, whether they want to talk or not. Knowing when and when not to push for conversation is hard, and for me, pushing when they don't want to but I feel they must is the very hardest of all. Ugh.
SuburbanC - Ain't THAT the truth? At 18, he's technically an adult. He can drive, he can vote, (he can have sex!). In fact in two days, he'll be 19, an in my neck of the woods, old enough to drink, too.
But, despite the fact that he's basically a sensible young man, and mature for his age, he's still young and inexperienced ... and some days doesn't your parental heart just ACHE with all the very big mistakes and heartache they're open to now?
Posted by: Ilona | April 11, 2008 at 09:52 AM
I am so happy my kids are still babies, I am soooo not mature enough to handle finding condoms in the washer. Its awesome that he is safe though.
Posted by: Audra | April 11, 2008 at 09:57 AM
Back in high school "Jaws" used to carelessly leave his IM's up on the computer screen. That was a goldmine of information. Now that he's in college my surveillance methods are limited. However,I have a friend whose daughter allows access to her Facebook page. I happen to know that Jaws Facebook page is linked to her daughter's page, so sometimes I check in there too. Otherwise, I'm pretty laissez faire. It's a delicate dance.
Posted by: Nina | April 11, 2008 at 10:15 AM
Eh, flavored condoms are a dime a dozen. I've never heard of anyone actually using one if anything else was available, and I've never heard of sex actually happening once the flavored condom was unwrapped. They smell. Strongly. It really kills the mood.
They tend to appear in the free baskets, and they tend to get passed around among teenagers. So, I would say a banana flavored condom is not really a sign of anything. They're novelty items.
Posted by: mary ann | April 11, 2008 at 12:42 PM
I'd rather not know. My boys know about safe sex. All the deets. I refuse to allow them to engage in sex in my house(when I am present) it CREEPS me out bigtime. I'd prefer it be private, not on my premises and without my knowledge. Only the married folk in this house get to have sex on the premises. Call me staight laced. There are somethings I do not want to be aware of.
Posted by: JaniceNW | April 11, 2008 at 12:56 PM
Great Post.
Banana flavored anything...yuck. A condom...triple yuck.
I'm just curious, did you give it back to him?
I only ask because my devil's streak would spend a lot of time trying to devise ways to make the most of the situation for my personal amusement.
Of course, in the end, I would probably satisfy myself with a handful of private jokes that I could share with Hubby and not say anything to my son at all.
I'm just curious how you handled it.
Posted by: Zayna | April 11, 2008 at 01:08 PM
Teens are frequently careless and even more often oblivious about their surroundings and their "stuff," so all a parent really has to do is be alert to potential conversation pieces. I learned a lot about my son that way when he was growing up.
Of course, that assumes that parent and teen have a pretty healthy, communicative relationship in the first place, which is definitely not always the case. When it's not, kids become hyper-private and actually ARE careful about their stuff, and parents have been known to resort to snooping - which I don't think is ever OK, even though there may be any number of justifications given for it. (This is coming from a reformed snoop, by the way.)
But as you say, even healthy, communicative relationships have reasonable privacy zones as kids get older.
Posted by: Florinda | April 11, 2008 at 02:30 PM
The Big Question: Does he read this blog? And if so, will he start cleaning up after himself? I almost hope the answer is no to both questions. At the least, it'll give you more material!
Posted by: Daisy | April 11, 2008 at 05:08 PM
Audra - We grow up with our kids, don't we? Or maybe they grow us up!
Nina - Wow!! I can't believe he would be so oblivious. WHAT a goldmine. I'm astonished.
MaryAnn - Ha. That would explain the flavoured condoms, all right! However, this post tells about something that happened a few months back, in fact, and son has now confirmed that yes, he and the girlfriend have done the deed. And given the average age of first intercourse in North America is 17, if you find condoms in your 18-year-old's possession, I think you can be pretty sure they're for actual use. (And grateful they're being used!)
JaniceNW - The sex in the house issue is an odd one, no? To my knowledge, the kids haven't, not when I'm around. I think the idea makes them more squeamish than it does me. (What if mom HEARS us??) Do they make use of an empty house, the times they've been left for a few hours or a couple of days? Quite likely. I view this as a privacy issue: as long as my kids are practicing safe sex (and this one evidently is), and respectful sex (I can only hope, based on their characters), the rest is none of my business.
Zayna - I tossed it in the garbage, assuming a laundered condom would be less than fully effective. And yes, a handful of private jokes with my husband... Hee.
Florinda - If I ever had serious concerns that my kids were involved in self-destructive behaviour (which safe sex, even unmarried safe sex, is not), I am sure that I would snoop. Any way I could. In the normal run of things, I don't snoop. As you say: keeping the lines of communication open and being alert to the cues they leave around is the best way.
Daisy - No, he does not, though his older step-brother does, so he may get the warning, anyway. Given that Adam and I have talked about this now, he has nothing to hide. It might (might) make him a tad more discreet, but I'm not holding my breath!
Posted by: Ilona | April 12, 2008 at 06:16 AM
OMG...I'm glad you went through this before me. Banana flavored??? Ugh!!!
Posted by: Di | April 12, 2008 at 12:00 PM
I can beat you all - my son came home last summer from college with a BAG FULL. A large, gallon size baggie. Left in in the open, on a shelf in his bedroom. He is an RA, so has unlimited access to the freebies in the student center! Yes, I did ask him, and yes, we pummeled him with " so, you think you are Casanova or what!" type comments!He eventually put them away, but his younger sister still gave him a hard time!
It gets better - this Christmas, we had all 3 grandparents stay from England, and he was asked to clear everything personal from his room, so his Nana could sleep there - good job I checked, coz he left a strawberry flavored under the alarm clock!! Heart attack averted!!
Posted by: Emma kw | April 13, 2008 at 08:01 PM
I think you would have to be a little naive if you don't think that most hormone-driven teenaged boys aren't doing the deed, especially in a "committed" relationship. My sage advice to my three sons is to "always wrap that rascal!"
Posted by: Therese | April 14, 2008 at 02:27 PM
I think you would have to be a little naive if you don't think that most hormone-driven teenaged boys aren't doing the deed, especially in a "committed" relationship. My sage advice to my three sons is to "always wrap that rascal!" And we occasionally like to sneak home when we're supposed to be out. Keeps them on their toes!
Posted by: Therese | April 14, 2008 at 02:28 PM
Okay, I am totally freaked out! I have a 12 year old that is 5'6" and built better than I was at 18! I hope some Moms are preaching virginity! I sure am! All boys are hormone driven...and I expect boys to try, but I am pretty strict and I hope the opportunity won't arise for a long long time! Having strict parents kept me a virgin until college when I met my now husband of 22 years.
Posted by: sharon | April 15, 2008 at 01:04 AM
IMO preaching virginity today is a waste of time. Your kids will see you as totally unrealistic and may begin to ignore any other advice you give them as well. I totally agree with Ilona, talk the talk, provide the condoms and be EXTREMELY HAPPY if they are used.
Posted by: Terry | April 16, 2008 at 05:14 AM
Di - I'm thinking MaryAnn, above, was probably right as to the source of that particular condom. But then, maybe it was just curiosity. I've tried some weird things in my time before deciding "ugh"!
Emma - Strawberry flavoured under the alarm clock! LOL
One summer, my eldest had a volunteer position with a sexuality organization, and her job was putting condoms, a teeny packet of lube, and an informational folder into a small zip-loc baggie. Our dining table became an assembly line, with hundreds and hundreds of condoms on it, in boxes beside it, on the floor under it. I wish I'd taken pictures!
Therese - Wrap that rascal. Good advice!
Sharon - As long as you're giving her solid information about sex and sexual health, teaching her your values is appropriate and right. However, it's been long proven that keeping information from teens doesn't prevent or delay their sexual activity -- it just makes them more likely to get pregnant or contract a STD. Teach her modesty and the value of virginity, but also give her the information she needs to keep herself safe and healthy.
Terry - I tend to think preaching virginity till marriage is naive, but there are subcultures within the larger culture that support it, and make it more likely. In fact, I know a 20-year-old who has been in relationship for at least three years with a young woman he intends to marry, and I believe him when he says they're still virgins. I wouldn't believe many, but this fellow? Yes, I absolutely do. So it can be done. But can it be expected? Probably not.
Stats show that the age of first sex for teens in socially conservative homes and non-conservative tend to be very much the same. There is some lag for the conservative teens, but on average, only a matter of months.
Posted by: Ilona | April 16, 2008 at 07:50 AM