Normally I am a quiet, understated, and overall kindly person. Four or five days a month? A transformation occurs. That PMS thing I so loved to mock when I was a young and symptom-free woman? It's hit with a vengeance these last few years.
Coming as it has so late in the game, I am mature enough that I don't take it out on the people around me. I just get quieter, following my gran's sage advice, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Quiet, but not silent. I mutter. Quietly. When I'm alone. Mutter, mutter, mutter. One day I will be that crazy old woman, muttering on the bus. Because LORD KNOWS I'll have had the practice...
It's Sunday of a weekend when the stepkids have been here, bringing the household total of teens to six(ish). Join with me, if you will, on a pre-menstrual, muttered, tour of my home.
Laundry room:
What moron left a kleenex in their pocket?
My, GOD, look at these underwear. That girl's ass is IMMENSE.
Three odd socks. Again. Bah.
Kitchen:
Why am I the ONLY person who ever notices the Britta needs to be refilled? Ever?
Ants? Again?
Another damned puddle by the fridge! God, I wish we could afford a new one.
Who has been using their socks to wipe up the fridge puddle?
And if they want to do that, can't they put the sock in the laundry?
And why only one sock?
Which ridiculous child is walking around wearing one sock? And when I find you, you little cretin...
Living Room:
What is wrong with the couch cushions?
Why are they askew like that?
Ah. Because we are storing dirty socks under there. Of course!
What is that stench?
Ah. Why did I ever agree to a hamster?
'It's okay, mummy. I'll keep it clean, I promise.' HA.
Dining Room:
For the love of Pete. Is the six feet to the kitchen sink too far to take the dirty plates?
Why is there a sock in this glass? Why?
Who puts a sock in a glass half-full of water? WHO DOES THAT???
Front Hall:
Is is truly that difficult to place shoes on the rack rather than kick them off in a heap? It couldn't be that hard, since someone's managed to get a sock on one shelf. Two socks. No, three.
When do teenagers' feet stop growing?
Any why do they stink so frikking much?
Why are there socks on the shoe rack?
Bathroom:
What the *%$ is this, a breeding program for towels?!?
Must be, and here's how: Place damp towels on bathroom floor, at least four to a heap, making sure to leave the light on and fan off for maximum growth, and a couple of dirty (and odd) socks as fertilizer.
Who didn't pull the shower curtain to? Not to worry, though - all those towels and socks are sucking up the excess, no problem.
Do they not realize what the strainer is for? So why is it on the side of the tub and I'm pulling foot-long hanks of slimy hair from the drain?
Can they not, even once, leave the frakking seat DOWN?
And put the new roll ON the spindle, not perched precariously on the side of the sink, where it will almost certainly fall into the toi -- damn! Where it now floats alongside someone's purple toothbrush. Lovely. You know what? I think I'll just put the toothbrush back in the cup and say nothing. Serve 'em right.
Bedrooms:
I'm speechless. Nothing to be done but close the door.
And turn off the damned lights!
My room:
WHERE is the garbage can?
Who walked off with the garbage can from MY bedroom?
And WHY?
Why is there a dirty sock on my pillow? Whose is it?
Children. Who'd want to have children? Biology's a bitch. That damned biological imperative, I tell you...
AND WHAT IS WITH THE FRIKKING SOCKS EVERY FRAKKIN' WHERE???
Are you sure that you were touring your own house? It sounds a bit like mine after a kids' weekend...although I haven't yet seen a sock in a glass.
Posted by: Florinda | March 16, 2008 at 03:57 PM
My husband's going to be the crazy old man. That's his job, wandering around muttering about it all. :)
Posted by: Flea | March 16, 2008 at 07:26 PM
I remember this all too well.
Thanks for the heads up. I'll be back.
Posted by: ann adams | March 16, 2008 at 09:11 PM
How am I just now finding out about this site? And to whom should I address this teenage foot growing issue? Really isn't 17 years sufficient for completed growth?
Posted by: TX Poppet | March 16, 2008 at 10:13 PM
Florinda - And I think I forgot to mention the sock I saw ON THE NEIGHBOUR'S FRONT LAWN!!! (Of course, the neighbour has two teens, so it could be they're having "sock issues", too...)
Flea - Every household needs a mutterer! I think.
Ann - Thanks for dropping by!
TX Poppet - You've found this site on its Grand Opening. This is our first day here, so please, do come back! My son (18) seems FINALLY to have ceased with the foot growth. The foot stench continues to be an issue...
Posted by: Ilona | March 17, 2008 at 08:26 AM
I only have one teen (13) but the younger boys (all boys) leave their socks everywhere. What is it with the freakin socks? Seriously. It sounds like my house.
Posted by: heidi | March 17, 2008 at 12:42 PM
Oh N.M.P.! The leaking fridge gave you away! That's ok, because I love a chance to read more of your writing. Go Mid-century moms, happy house warming.
Posted by: Chelsea | March 17, 2008 at 01:12 PM
My teenage daughter would hord EVERY towel in my entire house if I didn't watch her. God forbid she use a towel and then return it to the bathroom, where it belongs. And THEN she whines 'cause there's no towels.
DUH! YA THINK? I wonder why.
God forbid that she bring back and actually WASH the 20+ towels that litter the floor of the biohazard area she calls a bedroom.
And then she has the NERVE to look at me as if I've lost my mind when I get angry cause she's then taken MY towels out of our master bath cause she can't find any dry clean towels in her linen closet.
Posted by: Jane | March 17, 2008 at 01:34 PM
Bahahaha, I do the same thing.
Mutter, talk to myself, ask out loud whether or not I'm raising a family or merely a zoo keeper.
Great post. Great site. Can't wait to read more.
Posted by: Zayna | March 17, 2008 at 02:33 PM
Heidi - I have NO IDEA what it is with the socks. None. I only know that the problem never seems to go away. Never. Well, until the children leave home, that is...
Chelsea - You found me! Absolutely right! Well done, and welcome back any time! I'll be posting on alternate Fridays, but there will always be something good up!
Jane - I've written about the towels on the girls' floor elsewhere, but "Biohazard" is absolutely the right word! And YES! Then they steal YOURS. And don't understand why that might bother you! Astonishing, isn't it?
Zayna - Mother or zookeeper? Hmmm... I have a fridge magnet that says, "M is for Mother, not for Maid", and while I appreciate the sentiment, I am fully away that M is in fact for mother AND for maid, both. Which is NOT how I would have it, if I'd written the damned dictionary...
Posted by: Ilona | March 17, 2008 at 09:13 PM
I found you....something about the muttering, and the step kids, and the leaky fridge gave you away.
How is it that you have time for all this writing, when I personally cannot find time to pee alone?
Posted by: Tammy | March 18, 2008 at 12:30 AM
Not only do I find socks lying all over my house, I find socks that aren't even ours. They belong to the neighbors, (or friends) because when I do the laundry I always notice that there are dirty socks that I've never bought or seen in my life.
Posted by: Marci | March 18, 2008 at 11:23 AM
You are not alone. I had tears rolling, this is me and my house, maybe a fewer kids, but hubby takes up the slack there. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.
Posted by: justmylife | March 18, 2008 at 03:09 PM
Laughing out loud. This morning, I told Christian he had a sock poking out of his pants leg. He just lifted his leg and shook it a little bit, and the sock fell out and he just left it there on the floor.
It stayed there until the dogs found it...
Posted by: jen | March 18, 2008 at 04:36 PM
Tammy - okay, the stepkids and the leaky fridge, sure. But how do you know I mutter? That's a little unnerving... But GLAD you found me, and hope you come back!
Marci - last summer, a neighbour left her shoes here. Came with shoes, walked home barefoot! When I tried to give them back (two months later), both the girl and her mother denied they were hers! They don't fit anyone in THIS house. I gave them to the Salvation Army...
JustMyLife - You have no idea how gratifying it is for me to know I made you cry. And NO! You are not alone! Come back more, and you'll see. There's bunches of us.
Jen - Just let it lie and walked away? In plain view of a parent? LOL You just wonder what goes on in their heads, don't you??
Posted by: Ilona | March 19, 2008 at 06:27 PM
Oh I can so relate to this! My kids are younger (nearly 13 and 11 y/o twins), but what is it with the socks? And YES, socks I have never seen before. We live in a rental--do you think these socks belonged to previous tenants and have been hiding? They crawl out at night? Sounds like a good horror flick for moms!
Posted by: edj | March 21, 2008 at 06:48 PM
Bwahaha - sorry, it doesn't get any better! As they get older and leave for college they just bring the socks back... in a laundry bag! and...they've been in there 2 or 3 weeks (with wet towels!)
Posted by: Debbie | March 21, 2008 at 11:51 PM
I knew this post was you before I got to the end! lol, I have the biggest collection of odd socks in the world, I just can throw them away just in case I find the other...!
Posted by: jenny | March 22, 2008 at 03:57 PM
A friend directed me to this site. Laughing until tears form. I have three kids, and the last one left at home (a boy) is 17. I will be coming to this site daily to laugh and commiserate about the joys and perils of raising a teen, for sure! We refer to our son's room as the Toxic Waste Dump.
Posted by: Gail Clark | March 25, 2008 at 07:13 PM
I think I wrote this post but since I'm a crazy muttering old lady, I don't remember doing it.
Posted by: Therese | March 26, 2008 at 03:27 PM