Kids and who they leave behind

By Judy Merrill Larsen

It's not like I didn't see it coming. 

First, they toddled off to kindergarten, maybe glancing over their shoulders, running back for one last hug, but then entering a new sphere where they'd make friends I hadn't hand-picked.

Then, the big steps.  High school.  A driver's license (man, that's when I really became obsolete.  Except as a human ATM).  Finally off to college. 

And each time, I'd call them back for one more kiss, then I'd wave, and stand with the dog.  His wagging tail beating against the open door like a metronome.  We'd watch them leaving and he'd look up at me as if to say, "Now what?"  His tail always drooped just a little and his step was a bit slower until they returned

Now, if I'd really been able to orchestrate things, that first dog would have lasted until #2 Son shuffled off to college.  That was the yellow lab pup we brought home three weeks after their dad (who hadn't been crazy about having me for a wife or getting a dog) had moved on to greener pastures.  The boys had been 4 and 6.  I'd done the math, figuring dog years and all, and my plan had been for Tank, the wonderdog, to make it until the kids were away at college. 

But, not quite.  Dogs and kids rarely worked on my schedule.  So, one hot summer day before #2 Son's junior year in high school, we helped our old, sweet, dying dog into the car and took him to the vet, where we sobbed and petted his silky ears as he fell into that long final sleep.  We brought his collar home with us and divvied up his dog tags for our various key chains.  And when that same son came to me and asked, "Is it your intention to get another dog?," well, how could I say anything but "of course." 

So, Ernie, a golden retriever joined our household.  And it's now Ernie and me, standing at the door, just like we did this week, waiting first for their arrival, where Ernie's joy is palpable when they come in the house, hauling dirty clothes and ravenous appetites.  He follows them around, happily hopping on their beds (the only ones he's allowed on), sleeping until noon with them, and imagining they are home for good.

And he can keep believing that, but I know that it is likely they'll never live here full-time again.  #1 Son spent 5 days of his spring break interviewing for jobs in Seattle (two time zones away).  #2 Son will be here this summer, but after next school year, who knows. 

And I know that I've done--am doing--my job.  I know I'm supposed to raise them to leave me.  And that we're entering a whole new phase of our mother-son relationship.  They have girlfriends I adore.  They not only ask for my opinions and advice, they occasionally follow it. 

But, the first few days after they've left, I'll notice Ernie, wonderdog #2, wandering around whimpering and looking for them.  He'll go all the way up to their third floor bedroom and eagerly sniff around.  Sometimes I even catch him on one of their beds as if he's waiting for them to return, pet his head, sneak him a chicken nugget or pizza crust.  And then he'll come downstairs, slowly, looking just a little bit lost.  And I'll call him over and ruffle his hair and scratch behind his ears because I know, in his little (very little) dog brain what he's thinking. 

When will they be back and how could they just grow up and leave me?

Comments

[Emma kw]

Damn you - now I'm crying in my coffee.....

[Emma kw]

Sending hugs to you and Ernie from me and a 3 legged cat who thinks she's a dog! ( and who sits outside son's room looking pathetic when he returns to UMass!)

[Judy Larsen]

Aw, Emma, hugs right back at you! You would have laughed to see me reading this aloud to my husband--here I thought I was all cool and handling it well, but halfway through I started blubbering in my wine.

[Lynn]

I know just where you are coming from....our dog zeus passed away last fall, and we got a puppy. We got snoopy when my daughter was away at college and she thought she wouldn't bond with him. HA! She just went back to school after Easter break and snoopy sits outside her room every so often waiting for her to wake up. But he's a puppy and doesn't wait long : ) Me, I sit around waiting for my cell phone to ring and hoping she will call me and tell me something about her new life....

[suburbancorrespondent]

How sweet - makes me think twice about wishing they'd all move on already!

[Debbie]

Okay...I've got to pull myself together (sniffle!). My dog, Chance and I just did the same thing last week-end. Both kids at college - the son graduates in May and the daughter is a freshman. We wander around like 'little lost puppies' for a couple of days. But...I know both are happy and safe, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Laura Benedict]

Tears in the morning are so cleansing, Judy. Beautiful story.

We got our first dog when I was pregnant with Pom so we could practice taking care of something. TJ was a white German shepherd and a prince among dogs. Pom used him for balance when she was learning to walk and cleaned the sleep from his eyes and always took him outside with her to keep her safe from skunks (of course, at night, he would seek them out to play with--I actually got used to the smell. ugh!). She was the one who cared for him when the Rimadyl stopped working and he could barely walk. She was thirteen then, and still talks about him. Now, she and Bengal have Hrothgar, a 3 year-old black Lab. Yesterday, Bengal made me promise that if we ever had to evacuate our house, we would take Hroth with us. As if we wouldn't!

[Penelope]

I have a wonderdog too, a 15 year old mutt, (mostly Jack Russell). He is a few months older than my eldest and always loved me best until a few years ago when he switched to loving the kids more. He's still going strong but he won't last until they leave home. In some respects I think I prefer that, for him. Not for me though!
(Having said all that I keep telling everyone that he'll live to be 45 just to spite me!)

[Nina]

Judy, can I come be your dog?

[Laurel Wreath]

Ok you made me cry. My oldest is just entering HS, but I know it will go fast.

[melanielynnehauser]

Parenting would be so much easier if we were dogs....

I keep telling myself I might get a dog when the boys are truly out of the house. We're cat people now. But I have so much pent up mothering, and I'm alone so much - my husband travels so much - that it would be nice to have a creature utterly dependent on me.

But then again, I could also travel with my husband, as I haven't been able to do with the kids around. And having a dog would really be a problem then.

Dogs, cats, husbands....none of them takes the place of the kids, though.

[Molly]

Our wonderdog passed away last summer at age 10 and at least 5 years before her time. Younger daughter was entering her senior year of HS so I figured that was it for dogs. But a few months ago she began lobbying for another dog, saying she knew we couldn't get along without one and she wanted the dog to know her before she left home. I guess she didn't think her dad and I would be up to literally doing the happy dance when she came home, at least not the way a dog can do it. So, two weeks ago a puppy walked back into our lives and promptly took over a large section of the hole that was left in my heart last summer.

[Therese]

When my oldest son comes home from college, the dog always stands outside of his bedroom each morning and cries pathetically until he is let in to finish the rest of their sleep (usually about noonish). Dog doesn't sleep with son at night because son #3 has to have him in with him.

[Daisy]

Due to allergies (mine), we have Wonderbunnies. We've had two pass on when Amigo was at summer camp, poor guy. (no, not both at once. I'd be a wreck, too.)

[Debi]

Wonderful story! I have a wonderdog too. She is a yellow lab and is 4 years old. My oldest ds is graduating from HS this year but I can feel the emptiness starting. He is constantly going out with friends and his girlfriend. Thanks for making me appreciate my kids and my fabulous wonderdog. Hugs to you!

[jenny gardiner]

Dammit, Judy, you are NOT supposed to make me cry! I have to speak on a panel at the book festival in a couple of hours!!!
That breaks my heart and I am on the cusp of it so it especially breaks my heart.
My good friend's daughter left for school in September, leaving behind a very old dog. Her dog was crestfallen. She kept wandering the house looking for her girl. Oh, was she happy when her girl decided she'd gone to the wrong college and moved back home for a while. She's always smiling these days, that old lab is ;-)

[Zayna]

Oh how beautifully sad and sweet...(wipes tears away).

My oldest is 19 and still lives at home (with no plans for college, ATM...his casual expression on the matter).

He works full-time and is in the process of getting a place with some friends.

Despite how often I mutter about being "so ready for him to leave the nest", I just know that one day I will be writing a similar post.

With the exception that we have four cats instead of a dog. Not that they care one way or the other...I'm just saying is all.

Very well written post, next time post a warning so I can have some kleenex ready so I'm not dripping all over my keyboard.

:P

[Ree]

Sniff. Shortman is 16 and you've just described my future.

[Florinda]

I'm at the point now where I see my son a couple of times a year. He's out of college and working, and we live on opposite coasts. This past Christmas he brought his girlfriend out to meet us, but I don't count on holidays with him any more after that - it's one year at a time.

But when he does come home, he likes to believe that our wonderdog, Gypsy, is still "his" dog. Meanwhile, his stepsister thinks she is "her" dog. (Honestly, the dog is one of the things my stepdaughter and I first bonded over.) The turf wars over the dog are quite amusing - especially because she's really MY dog. :-)

I know the feeling, though - even though we know this is how things are supposed to develop, it's still a tough adjustment to let it happen.

[the planet of janet]

when my third son left for college for the first time last fall, it left a void that fills only when he visits during break.

and with my last child starting high school in the fall, i see the future in a way that is totally bittersweet.

it goes so fast.

[Janice]

I was okay until the last line, sob.

We had to take our 20 years old dog and put her to sleep last summer. We are now dog-less and I refuse to get another one.

Thanksgiving we got a house kitten. She sleeps with my sixteen year old.

Cats are thankfully independent. Though I think someone forgot to tell this cat that.

[Candy]

Hey there, just found this site (directed here from another mom of teenagers).

We have a new dog in our house, who loves my teenagers more than her kibble, and with my oldest going to college for the first time in September, I often look at the dog and wonder how she is going to get on without them.

Of course what I'm really wondering is...how am I going to get on without them.

Yeah, I totally didn't expect them to grow up like this and leave.

[Di]

Do you know the song "Suds in the Bucket?"

How can 18 years just up and walk away?

I've got about three years before my first one departs.

[Judy Larsen]

I do know that song. . . and that's such a great line!

[debra]

a lovely lovely sweet post, Judy. Thank you.
#1 daughter is 20 and in NYC, and # 2 daughter is 16-all-over-the-map years old. These are precious moments