Mid-CenturyModernMoms

Success Stories

Abe is just astounding me these days.  We got his November SAT scores and they were 3 (or more) points higher in each of the three sections!  This was the second time that he took the SAT (and the last).  The first time, he had only been at his boarding school through the summer session, so I didn't have a lot of high hopes for the scores- but he did quite well then even.

This time, we were hoping for some significant improvement in his writing score. (I know that a lot of colleges say that they don't look at this score, but Abe needed the improvement so much just for himself!)

On a scale of 800:
Critical Reading (used to be called English or Verbal) 730  (up 50 points)
Math : 690
Writing : 520

Yippee!!

And a second success story:

Abe is doing an internship at an engineering company near school.  The company was originally worried because they weren't paying him anything.  But I just got this email from them (via school).

"our CFO spoke to our CEO and they decided to present Abe with a check for $250.00 (to think I was worried about a $50 gift card) I think the idea came up because;

Abe is doing a good job.

Abe is well liked.

We all got a 10% Holiday bonus last Friday.

 

Wow!  (so I told him that he definitely needed to go buy his mom a Chanukah present now!)

The perks of business travel

Normally, one wouldn't be talking about business travel in a column that is focusing on parenting teenagers.  But on the other hand, those teens have to deal with mom going off on business travel.

But this post is more about kids who will be teenagers soon, my niece and nephews.  Ora has lucked out in that one of the places that she needs to travel to is near where these relatives live.  One of  my big fears always was that my niece and nephews weren't going to know my immediate family.  This set because they live half-way across the country and the other set because I was afraid of not getting together with them often enough.

But since Ora is a big believer in trying to make the best of things, I am happy (most of the time) to go on business trips.  With a far-flung family, it is possible that some family member lives nearby and I'll certaintly willing to let the company pay for a visit!!

So this last trip to the Minneapolis area, I was able to have dinner and the evening with the little kids.  Just normal stuff of eating and doing homework and tucking them into bed, and getting and giving hugs.  But just  being around them, and having them be comfortable around me is (in the words of a credit card commercial) Priceless!!

Other people's mess

Earlier in the year Em had a job as a pool attendant. By pool attendant the job description meant life saver. Em worked 9 hour shifts on weekends at an indoor pool ALONE. Yes, she holds the appropriate life saving certificates, but somehow I didn't feel right about a 16 year old being the sole staff member at the pool where lots of children are dropped off by their parents and left at the pool for hours at a time. It's tricky to be at the front counter taking money, selling sweets, swimming goggles and other miscellaneous items AND watching the children in the pool at the same time.

Anyhoo, after her boss yelled at her because a friend dropped in to see her the day after her friend Niel ended his life, I decided Em's career as a pool attendant should end.

As Em has become serious about her school work I've wondered how she'd fit another job in with study and her other commitments, which I think are more important than money she'll just fritter away anyway. (These commitments include her involvement in the Young Achievers Program, singing in an Accapella group, taking a leadership role in her church youth group, helping out with our church childrens' program and making incredible cup cakes for any occasion that comes along - weddings, birthdays, church social nights, teacher's requests for school events. Then there's being on the student council at school, promoting the Red Cross Blood Bank donation program........I'm sure your'e getting the picture.)

Until recently Em's had to walk across her piles of stuff on her bedroom floor to reach her bed; she's also a very messy cook - though she usually does an ok job of cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. I guess that's why she's found herself a new job she thinks is a perfect fit. Cleaning luxury holiday units!!!

Having spent a day in training, Em begins her new job on Friday - though she has told me she'd like a few more pointers on making beds with 'hospital corners', otherwise she's good to go.

I think this is a great job for Em, as it will only be holiday work and pays reasonably well for a teenager, but being a realist I'm not holding my breath for any changes on the home front!

Empty nests and satellite nests

She's coming home!!

Well, not quite home. And really, if my left-the-nester were returning, that sentence would be punctuated with a period. A flat, resigned, stoic period.

Not that I don't love my kids. I do. To bits. But the whole purpose of parenting is to produce productive, independent adults. And so far, I've produced one of those, with a second in the transitional phase of living in a house with other college students. More adult than living at home, less adult than living... well, like an adult. But he's getting there!

And I am behind this effort. Every step of the way. YAY, adulthood! YAY, independent life! YAY, charting your own course! YAY, finding a career that satisfies!

(And YAY! No more giant stinky shoes cluttering up the front hall, mysterious socks everywhere, condoms in the washing machine, tornado-swept kitchens, and other signs of adolescent inhabitants.)

But those are secondary -- yes, really -- to the satisfaction that comes of having successfully launched a child into the wide world out there, and watching them make their way. I get ENORMOUS amounts of pleasure from this. It's akin to watching them sleep as infants, only... bigger. So, if a child were to need to come home for one (desperate, temporary, traumatic) reason or another, it would be, for both of us, a regression.

So, okay, she's not coming home. But she is moving! After six years of living in a city an eight-hour drive away, Sarah (my eldest) is moving to a city a scant two-hour drive away. I could not be more delighted. It's an easy train trip. Weekend jaunts, either way, become more feasible. And I am totally psyched about helping her set up a satellite business here in Ottawa.

YAY, for kids who move! Closer, but not in.

Where's Ringo?

 Abe finally started working at his engineering internship.

Yes, it was supposed to start at the beginning of the summer, but hey, lawyers happen.  But the wording on the forms was all worked out and I signed it and Abe started working there several weeks ago.

Here's a conversation we had about it.

Mom: Who's your boss?

Abe: David.

Mom:  Is there anyone else working in the lab with you?

Abe: Yes, John and Paul

Mom: So where's Ringo?

Abe: (laughs)

Now the reason that this conversation is so amazing to me is that Abe NEVER knows the names of the kids that he goes to school with; he's just not that tuned into them to remember their names.  This is part of his neurological condition.  And he is even giving up several days of computer game time at home to return to school- while classes are NOT in session- in order to go to work at this internship.

I told Rosie about that on the drive home from camp last week and her response was to question whether we were talking about the same kid!

It's so nice to have a success- and I know that he loves it.  He even can explain what he's working on (but then, I know the products and have used them myself).

Solve the immediate problem, work out the cause later

Sometimes I think I present a sanitized version of myself via my blogs posts, todays post shows me in a more realistic light!

On Monday morning I was making a concerted effort to have us all out the door a little earlier than usual - or on time at least. For some reason we're always just a few minutes late on Mondays, and on Mondays I'm responsible for opening up the cashier',s office at work. While I usually manage to sail in right on the dot of 8.30am, I feel the passive aggressive disapproval that is shot in my direction. The fact that I never leave on time, that I'm early every other day of the week, that I have a shorter lunch break to cover the passive aggressives who sneak an extra 5 minutes on to their lunch break, is not taken into account. On Monday mornings I feel the barbs of thought.

Anyway, at home on Monday morning I'd bustled around the kitchen and made everyone's lunch - rolls for the teens, leftovers to be reheated for me - and left them on the bench to be collected and put in bags as they went past on the way to the front door.  As I was gathering my bag and keys Davey looked at my tupperware container on the bench and tentatively asked if that was his lunch.  "Um, no.  That's mine" I replied, puzzled as to why he'd bother asking, as leftovers needing reheating are not something suitable for his lunchbox.  Puzzlement didn't slow me down one little bit as I kept on track of getting out of the house and thus to work.  At the front door I could hear Davey vigorously shaking his money box in his bedroom.  "What are you doing Davey?  We have to go!" I called with some impatience.

Davey duly appeared, we all piled into the car and headed off to school.

At lunch time, Em who attends the school I work at, came and showed me two bread rolls.  "How come I have two rolls today Mum?"  "Did you pick up Davey's as well?" I asked.  "No, they're both mine - they both have peanut butter and jam."  As Davey opts for just peanut butter, the only explanation for Em having two rolls was that one had remained in her bag uneaten and had just surfaced and gained her lunch time attention.  I didn't think too much more about it.

That afternoon Davey said "Oh, by the way, you forgot to make me a lunch today!"  He said in an amused tone, rather than accusatory, yet I still don't think he expected my laughter.  I explained about Em and her two rolls and he understood that it was his elder sister's thievery rather than my neglect which left him lunchless.  

 "Did you take money from you money box to buy lunch?" I asked, the reasons for his actions that morning dawning on me.  Davey nodded and smiled.  "Oh.  Was I stressing too much for you to tell me there was a lunch problem?" I asked.  "Ohhh, you were alright Mum, but I knew it would be simpler if I just dealt with it myself" was Davey's soothing reply.

I smiled wryly and hugged my boy.  He was right.  I would have flapped about saying I'd made his lunch, I didn't know where it was, he must have already put it in his bag, I had left it on the bench, did I have to do everything?, had he checked with Em? did she have it?, I didn't have time for this, stressy yada, stressy yada, stressy yada.

Davey going to his money box really was the simplest solution.  I was quite happy to reimburse him the money, and while I hate to think there are times I'm not a cool, calm, collected Mum, I like that Davey came up with a no fuss solution.  I like that he skirted around a difficult person (me) and maintained peace.

While I have to acknowledge how blinkered and unreasonable I can be when I'm stressed, even over minor things, I like how Davey's maturing and dealing with stuff.  Em's always been able to do this, for Davey, it's only happening with maturity.

Oh and on the subject of Em, did she acknowledge she'd accidentally taken Davey's lunch as well as hers?  Um, no.  Despite the damning evidence, Em still maintains her innocence, which Davey & I find hilarious!

Slave Labor

Abe is going to be a slave this summer.

Slaves cannot leave an employer or a territory without explicit permission.  This is a true statement that applies to this summer.

Forced labor is defined as "all work or service which is extracted from any person under the menace of any penalty and for which the said person has not offered himself voluntarily".  But this one ISN'T totally true because there was no menace of penalty, even though it certainly wasn't his idea- but he is game for it.

So what am I talking about???

Abe is going to be an unpaid intern at Brookfield Engineering.  This company is in the same town as his boarding school, and his therapist was working hard with this company in order to get them to offer internships to one or two students.  Brookfield normally only gives internships to college students, so this is really going out on a limb for them.  The fact that both of these boys are already 18 allowed their human resources department to okay it.

And the fact that mom uses Brookfield equipment in her lab at work doesn't hurt things either!  The therapist heavily dropped that fact while he was working at convincing the company.

It turns out that Brookfield already has some ties (in some unspecified way) to other people with Aspergers, so the fact of these kids' diagnosis actually didn't hurt the process!

So it's not definite yet.  But Abe may work 20 hours each week there.  The company usually pays its interns, so they are having some trouble working out that these kids CAN'T get paid.  It certainly is payment enough that they are learning to hold down a job, as well as a brownie point for their resumes.  But they may also get some payment in gift cards.  Abe would vote for one from Barnes & Noble.

One thing that Abe is going to have to get used to is dressing nicely- it's all business casual.  So I need to go get him some khakis or Dockers, some shoes that aren't sneakers (that is going to be hard on him) and some more polo shirts.  And he's going to have to make sure that the clothes aren't totally wrinkled.

Oh, mom is just kvelling over the idea.

Business Trips or Work Funded Family Visits

I usually think of business trips as vacations for me.  Think about it.  Mom doesn't have to cook, clean or take care of anyone other than herself.  And, often, but not this trip, there is a hot tub to soak in and relax.

Normally, when I'm lucky enough to go on business trips, they are to places where I don't know anyone that I would socialize with.  Every once in a while that is changed.  This past trip actually took me to Minneapolis where my SIL and her family live (and I actually really like my SIL).

But our family doesn't get to see her family enough.  And I especially miss seeing my little niece and nephews!  But this trip, I win.  I got to spend 2 nights with the family.

I knew that I would receive a warm welcome from 2 out of the three kids, But one of the twins (below) is a bit stand-offish- to most people.  But, especially on the 2nd night, we had a grand old time with their dancing parrot.  And N (boy) was Auntie Ora look at this and Auntie Ora look at that!! 

 I'm trying very hard to make sure that I have a good relationship with my niece and nephews who live half-way across the country from me.  I think that they are old enough now that it's actually sunk in.  Just look, I actually got a smile out of N!

 or maybe it was a laugh, but it was a great interaction!!!

T(girl) made sure that she sat next to me at the dinner table both nights and climbed into my lap to play around, too.  A(boy) was very upset that he had homework to do and couldn't show off his Wii gaming skills to me, so he was allowed to stay up late to enjoy the visit with his auntie!

 All in all, it was a very successful trip.  I accomplished the work objectives and had a great time with my family.  What more could you ask for? (A comfortable plane seat, but that's another story)

 

Saying good-bye at the end of the 2nd night was hard.  T said something along the lines of "what do you mean, you won't be here tomorrow night?" and "I'll miss you Aunty Ora".  N burrowed under the covers while I gave him a hug and A was very sad that I was leaving.  I love these kids.

Babysitter's Gallery of Bad Parents

Okay, as parents we've all had our share of Awful Babysitters, or at least heard of them. The teen who spent the whole night on the phone with friends or, worse, invited unwelcome friends over. The teen who rummaged through your stuff, who messed with your make-up. The teen who made out with the boyfriend in your family room. Privacy violations, neglect, disrespect, even petty theft... if there's a domestic misdemeanor waiting to happen, some teenage babysitter has probably done it. We all know that.

Now, however, we're parents of those teenage babysitters. (Well, not THOSE teenage babysitters, obviously. But we have teens -- the nice ones! -- and they're babysitting.)

And now we discover that while there are a few bad apple Awful Babysitters, there are also a few bad apple Awful Parents.

Parents who...

1. Don't leave contact numbers. (Yes, there are still a few people without cell phones.) "That's okay," they say. "We won't be gone long." Or, "Contact number? Oh, I don't know... tell you what, we'll call you when we get there!" (Which is fine, so long as they remember. Awful Parents don't.)

1b: They leave a contact number that doesn't work.

2. Expect you to feed the child, but provide no food/don't give tour of kitchen so teen can make it.

3. Never have the money ready when they return. (Note the 'never'. Even the best of parents can slip up once in a while. The worst of parents do this routinely.) This is a particularly irksome trait, and takes a variety of forms:

"Oh! I forgot to go the the bank machine! I only have... um...$3.72."
"Oh! I thought I had a twenty in here, but it's only a five." (Even more irksome in those (sensible, ahem) countries where the bills are colour-coded, so you can tell at a glance what's in there. ALL of these parents can't be blue-green colour-blind.)
"Oh! I don't have the right change, only twenties. I'll get it to you, okay?" (This type? They often forget the "getting to you" part.)

4. Quibble with the teen's rates. "The last sitter charged a dollar less an hour." Yes, well. The last sitter was 12 and couldn't handle your kids, remember? That's why the poor girl is your "last" babysitter.

5. Don't pay for part-hours. So, if the rate is $6.00/hour, and the teen is there for 4.5 hours, they pay $24.00.

Variation of 5, above: Pay for the three hours they said they'd be away instead of the four hours they were actually gone. The fact that you intended to be home by 11 doesn't mean that last hour somehow, magically, didn't happen. Your good reasons don't change things, either. "Traffic was AWFUL!!" does not mean that your babysitter hasn't earned the extra hour's pay.

6. Provide snacks for the teen, and then act shocked/disapproving when the teen actually eats them. "You finished the WHOLE giant bag of chips?" Hello? These are teens. If you don't want them to eat an entire giant bag of chips, you need to say so up front. Or provide the smaller size bags. (This one happened to my son, a teenage boy, aka "Eating Machine". And the shocked parent was the father. It was just weird all round...)

I coud go on, but I'd love to hear from you. How about you, oh fellow parents of teens and former teens? Any Awful Parent stories in your family's history?

No shortage of skills

I related in my last post how Em wanted me to ask her to clean her room, rather than tell her.  (It's here if you'd like to read it.)

While Davey duly cleaned his room - and then celebrated the clean space by deciding to use it to 'mod' his nerf gun.  This required drilling something, so he helped himself to my cordless drill and drilled away.  Thankfully I showed some rare good sense and went to check on him when I heard the whirr of the drill coming from his bedroom.  Soooo glad I did!  I think the drill bit was a hair's breadth from making a neat little hole in the polished floor boards of his room.  The idea of finding a piece of scrap timber to put under his drilling project hadn't occurred to him prior to me trying not to shriek as I told him it was a necessity.  Anyway, Davey's room is cleaner.

Em's room?  Not so much.  Worse perhaps.

It's not only because she knows that I don't rate my parenting skills on my ability to have my teenagers have a spotless room at least occasionally.  A day or two after I told her I wanted her room brought to some kind of order, a flash flood inundated our fair town, causing muddy mayhem as it swept through local schools and businesses as well as hundreds of houses.  Davey's school was closed for a day, Em's for two.  The morning after the flood, Em, being a social butterfly, went to a school friend's house for a couple of hours and returned home the next night - she did check in with me to ask if that was ok!  (Eeeeerhhhh, that's not quite accurate.  What really happened was that Em texted me saying that school was closed the next day as well so she was staying at her friend's.  I texted back asking if her mother had agreed to that plan, then I received a text asking if it was ok and I duly texted back my motherly approval.)

What did Em get up to during these two unexpected school free days?  Well, on the first day they did a little flood sight seeing, then got down to the business of helping clean the holiday units owned by her friend's parents, which had had a metre of water surge through them.  The next day they moved on to the beach where they spent the day collecting more than 20 extra large garbage bags full of rubbish, plus assorted drums, chairs and miscellaneous items which were too large for garbage bags, leaving the beach free of debris.  The girls were recognised by the local paper with a half page photo and article for their community spirit and hard work.

It's apparent that it's not lack of cleaning skills that causes Em to keep her bedroom in a state of unruly chaos!

Oh, and just for clarity, the girls were neither asked nor told to clean the beach or help with cleaning the holiday units.  They simply saw things that needed doing and did them.  Teenagers, huh?