Mid-CenturyModernMoms

The perks of business travel

Normally, one wouldn't be talking about business travel in a column that is focusing on parenting teenagers.  But on the other hand, those teens have to deal with mom going off on business travel.

But this post is more about kids who will be teenagers soon, my niece and nephews.  Ora has lucked out in that one of the places that she needs to travel to is near where these relatives live.  One of  my big fears always was that my niece and nephews weren't going to know my immediate family.  This set because they live half-way across the country and the other set because I was afraid of not getting together with them often enough.

But since Ora is a big believer in trying to make the best of things, I am happy (most of the time) to go on business trips.  With a far-flung family, it is possible that some family member lives nearby and I'll certaintly willing to let the company pay for a visit!!

So this last trip to the Minneapolis area, I was able to have dinner and the evening with the little kids.  Just normal stuff of eating and doing homework and tucking them into bed, and getting and giving hugs.  But just  being around them, and having them be comfortable around me is (in the words of a credit card commercial) Priceless!!

In the moment

Em's been away on a 3 day school excursion. As I work in the office of the school she attends, one of her teachers asked me how she was enjoying the excursion. He was a little taken aback when I laughed. I told him I had received a text from Em - she requested I record a tv program for one of the teachers on the excursion! Then I explained that Em seldom calls me when she's away from home as she's too busy being in the moment and enjoying every minute of each new experience. He nodded in understanding at my explanation.

And that's the way it always has been with Em. I don't think she's ever been home sick - even as a small child. While she's always glad to return home, during the time she's away she is totally in that experience. Of course these days I can text Em, and she'll happily reply, but I feel as though I'm interfering, imposing myself unnecessarily and detracting from her independence, so I mostly refrain.

I collected Em from the excursion at 9pm Friday night and she filled me in on the places she'd seen, the goings on of other students and quirks of the accompanying teachers. Saturday morning I drove her to her first event of the day at 7.30am and collected her from her last event at 10.30pm that night, having had a few shuffles in between. I enjoy Em and her zest for life, but, gee, the mini-holiday of the school excursion was really nice!

As Em plans on leaving home in 18 months time, I've been thinking about the implications her 'in the moment' thinking will have on my half empty nest.  I feel the need to have a plan for not only my time, but also my emotional tank.  For while Em is a typical 16 year old with the associated rollercoaster of emotions happening, which sometimes drains my emotional tank, she has am enjoyable personality which replenishes my emotional tank.  When she leaves home there will be a big void in my everyday life, both physically and emotionally.  I'm hoping that once she really has her independence, texting & emailing will keep us connected and not feel like an imposition.

Total Tourists

We just got back from the most fantastic vacation trip to San Diego!!  It was me (Ora), the kids (Abe and Rosie) and my Dad (Zeyde).  I had planned this trip last year before Jim died and we decided to still go.  (Dad was already included)

We were the proto-typical tourists in shorts, hats and carrying guidebooks and cameras.  And we had a ball!!

 

 We went to Seaworld (twice)

 The first time, on the first day, we started in the morning and went until dinner time

And then we came back another day to see the shows in the evening

to the Wild Animal Park (morning to noon and then at dusk)

The heat was horrible!!!  We were all dying- and refilling the water bottles all of the time, so we left around 1 pm and then came back at 6 pm.  The animals were a lot more awake then.

to the San Diego Zoo (a little disappointing after the Wild Animal Park)- but the monkeys were Rosie's favorites

While Abe's favorites were the elephants

And everyone loves the Pandas!!!

to the Old Town- the original site of San Diego, to the aircraft carrier the USS Midway (Abe and I both could've spent a LOT more time there) and to the Marine Recruit Depot Museum

to Coronado Island (boring), and to the beach (yes, we all got sunburned there).

And best of all, there was very little sniping or grumbling.  No one was yelling at anyone else (except to get Abe moving in the mornings) and we ALL had a really good time.

San Diego is a lovely place to visit and even though we were very busy seeing things, we didn't see even half of everything. I even came back relaxed and Zeyde thanked me for inviting him along.  I would love to go back.

Reality checks can be expensive

The cell phone bill arrived this week. I'd been wondering when it would get here.

It probably took so long because it's FREAKING ENORMOUS. Too heavy for the truck. Gave the mailman a hernia. I didn't know precisely how big it would be, but I knew I was in trouble when I discovered that Rebekah had bought herself a cell phone charger while in France.

See, she took her cell phone with her, but forgot her charger. "Perfect!" I chortled in my Evil Mother heart. She'd be able to text me to let me know she'd made her flights and transfers along the way there, but once it ran out of juice, that would be that. No international calls or texting. An oh-so-simple way to curtail the enormous damage a teen with a cell phone could do to the family budget when in a different country.

Of course we warned her of the dangers of international cell phone charges, but... she is fifteen. In fact, I had reasonable confidence in her ability to rein herself in, but... she never turns the damned thing off. She'll complain like crazy when friends wake her at two in the morning with a text or a call, but when I suggest she turn it off before bed, you'd think I'd suggested she poke out an eardrum so as not to hear it. And if she doesn't turn it off, people can call and text HER, can't they?

So, while Rebekah might be able to NOT make a call or send a text, do I have any confidence that half her class will also exercise similar restraint? HA!

She forgot her charger? Mwah-ha. I couldn't have planned it better had I tried. And then her brother mentioned the replacement charger. I emailed immediately, with shaking fingers.

"STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE! DO NOT CALL, DO NOT TEXT! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THAT CAN GET! TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF NOW!!!!!"

She did.

It was too late.

The cell phone bill?

$757.68

SEVEN HUNDRED FIFTY-SEVEN DOLLARS AND SIXTY-EIGHT CENTS.

In eleven days.

I waited a day before I showed her the bill. I think this was the first time I've ever seen anyone "blanche". You read about it in books, but now I know what it looks like. Her skin went dead white, her big grey eyes flew as wide as I've ever seen them go.

"Seven hundred dollars?" Her voice was thready and weak.

"And fifty-seven, sixty-eight." Mine was firm. Because me, I'm over the shock. Time for action. "Good thing you kept your job, huh?"

Wow. You can go whiter than 'blanched' and still stay upright. Who knew?

We haven't worked out the repayment details yet. I figured one kick in the head was enough to start with.

To be continued...

Battle of the Paradigms

Last night, I did my child's homework.

You have NO IDEA how radical that statement is, coming from this mother. In 23 years of parenting, I have never, not once, even CONSIDERED doing that. My feeling is, they get the work, it's their responsibility. They don't complete the work, they take the consequences. That's life.

I may suggest approaches, I will toss off the odd spelling. I will brainstorm, encourage, ply with snacks and occasionally (though rarely) nag. Mostly I just provide the space, materials, and peace, and leave them to it, expecting them to get on with it. It's their education.

But last night, I was up late creating a presentation, text and visual aids, with the skilled assistance of my son. Adam and I did his sister's homework. Shocking! Unheard of!

How did it come to this?

Timeline:
January: Rebekah tells her teachers that she will be missing two or three weeks of school toward the end of the term in order to travel to France. They nod and smile (or frown, according to their native disposition). Her French teacher is delighted. "Take lots of pictures, and when you come back, you can tell me about them (in French, of course!). That will be your final presentation." Well, good. One down...

February: Rebekah gives her teachers her confirmed flight dates. Now there is some harrumphing about missing the last three weeks of school.

Well, yes. I'd have preferred to send her after school let out, too, but this is when my cousins could take her. Besides, at least two of the last three weeks are generally review. She's not going to miss much course-work, and she'll be back for exams, but she could be missing final assignments, which is why, in...

March: I call the school, leaving a message with the office staff for the teachers to call me. I would like her to receive the final assignments in time for her to complete them before leaving, so she'd need to receive them by mid-April.

April: Having not yet heard from any teacher, I go to the school website to look up the teacher's email addresses. They are not on the website. I phone once again, this time trying to set up a face-to-face meeting, and once again, hear nothing. (Who's dropping the ball here? Office staff or teachers? I have no idea.)

I contemplate storming the school gates... and I probably really should have, but I am soooo bad with face-to-face confrontation. No, I definitely should have. This is my responsibility in this whole debacle, and I accept it. Had I barged on down there and made some noise, refused to leave until we'd resolved this, I probably could have solved it then and there. Or maybe I would have wandered the halls not finding her teachers and feeling stupid.

No. I would have solved it, and that's what I should have done. But as I didn't, the saga continues...

May: We are now three weeks from departure. I send a letter to the principal informing him of my efforts and my concern that Rebekah still has not been given her final assignment, hoping to shake things up here. In an effort to assure him of the trip's Educational Merits, I inform him that Rebekah will be attending school there. (Part-time, but I didn't feel it necessary to tell him that.) I get a letter from him with a list of instructions, among which is "contact her teachers and make necessary arrangements." Oh, thank you.

Two weeks to go: I send in a letter with Rebekah, with instructions that she is to get each teacher to sign upon reading. I give all details, including my contact information (two phone numbers and an email). I get a prompt email from the French teacher, who is the only one who's on the ball, and who has never been a problem. I get a call from the art teacher the next day, who simply informs me that since Rebekah will not be in school when she's scheduled her in-class final exam, she will probably fail the course. We have Words. I'm not sure which of us prevailed.

The day before departure: Rebekah receives her final two assignments, to be completed in France, neither of which have anything to do with her travels.

This whole thing has just astonished me. To me, travel is education. Period. Well, unless your idea of travel is to get hammered on a beach somewhere. But if you're actually getting involved with the people and the culture... that's education. Education is about giving children skills and information that will enable them to grapple with the real world, the world outside the classroom. Education does not begin and end in a classroom.

And it was clear, clear, crystal clear that (apart from the French teacher) none of her teachers saw it that way at all. Hey, Ms. Art Teacher, who scolded her for "going on holiday" during school time. And threatened with her possible failure? The girl is spending time in PARIS! You know, where the LOUVRE is? The Louvre which -- with absolutely no help from you -- she is EXCITED to see? Surely you could see the educational merit in that? Surely you could use this somehow in her assignment???

Hey, Mr.History Teacher, whose curriculum this term covered Canada's involvement in World War Two? She's going to FRANCE! She'll be staying a few miles from DIEPPE! You know, where Canada played a heart-rendingly brave role in an tragically failed offensive? Could you possibly have used that in her final assignment?

I stood on that same beach some years ago. It is lined with cliffs, cliffs where you can still see the bunkers carved out of the rock. It is not a sandy beach. It is a pebble beach. I imagined young men, the age my son is now, trying to run on a river of marbles. I imagined the machine guns pointing at them from the cliffs as they struggled for shelter. I imagined them falling to the stones by the dozen, by the hundred. And I cried.

THAT's history. THAT's education.

But no. She's not going to be warming a chair in a row in a classroom. Therefore, her education is suffering.

I have news for you, hidebound teachers: this trip might be making her schooling suffer. It is YOU who are making her education suffer.

Bah.

And so, when Rebekah emailed me in a panic about her one remaining project. It was to be a Powerpoint presentation, but her computer had died -- she couldn't even turn it on -- the cousins don't have Powerpoint, her info is trapped in her computer, and there's NO WAY she's going to get this done...

Well, by then I'd about had it with hidebound bureaucratic dried sticks masquerading as educators...

"Tell me the assignment. Tell me everything you can remember of your work. Adam and I will do it and email it to you."

And that is why, for the first (and last) time in my parenting life, I did my child's homework last night.

And I do not feel guilty. In the slightest.

Bah.

Watch out: she's off to see the world!

Yes, La Petite left for Italy. We swallowed hard, re-adjusted the home equity line of credit, and paid the bill. It'll be worth it. Will she support us later when she's a famous travel photographer? Not in this economy. But I digress.

I took a personal day from my teaching job and drove two and a half hours to meet her, gather those belongings that needed to come home, and take her to the bus that would deliver her to O'Hare for the trip. I arrived mid-morning, travel coffee mug in hand. We packed the minivan and then went to our favorite local diner for lunch. It's easy to tell this is a local place with good prices and good food. The clientele is usually senior citizens and college kids. I was the rare in-between age, and my reason for being there was my college kid.

The next errand on the list was a visit to the local Big Box Store. La Petite needed a new battery for her watch, and coincidentally I had a watch in need of battery taking up a corner in my purse. We headed for the jewelry counter in the Big Box Store, and the staff said, "Sorry, we don't handle that brand of watch." We asked for options, and they suggested a jewelry store on Main Street in the tiny downtown. Just in case it wasn't open, La Petite decided to pick out an inexpensive watch so she would at least have one for the trip. She has tiny wrists, inherited from her mother, so we looked over the kids' watches.

Me: "Look, there's Spiderman! You could wear Spiderman!"

LaPetite: "I'd rather have Batman. Why don't they have Batman?"

Me: "Here's a purple one with cool skateboarder flames. Purple's your school color, right?"

LaPetite: "Okay. How about you, Mom?"

Me: "Me? I don't need a watch."

LaPetite: "Here's one! It's perfect."

The perfect watch from the kids' display? Daisies, of course. The watchband is decorated with daisies of many colors, the center of the watch face is a daisy, and the second hand is the flower stem. Perfect indeed. The photo is really poor; it's from my cell phone. You can't see the fun details of the new watches, but you can imagine the fun and the pride in our Mother-daughter pre-trip shopping spree of sorts.

If you're wondering, yes, we found the jewelry store in the tiny downtown, almost directly across the street from the diner at which we'd eaten lunch.

Business Trips or Work Funded Family Visits

I usually think of business trips as vacations for me.  Think about it.  Mom doesn't have to cook, clean or take care of anyone other than herself.  And, often, but not this trip, there is a hot tub to soak in and relax.

Normally, when I'm lucky enough to go on business trips, they are to places where I don't know anyone that I would socialize with.  Every once in a while that is changed.  This past trip actually took me to Minneapolis where my SIL and her family live (and I actually really like my SIL).

But our family doesn't get to see her family enough.  And I especially miss seeing my little niece and nephews!  But this trip, I win.  I got to spend 2 nights with the family.

I knew that I would receive a warm welcome from 2 out of the three kids, But one of the twins (below) is a bit stand-offish- to most people.  But, especially on the 2nd night, we had a grand old time with their dancing parrot.  And N (boy) was Auntie Ora look at this and Auntie Ora look at that!! 

 I'm trying very hard to make sure that I have a good relationship with my niece and nephews who live half-way across the country from me.  I think that they are old enough now that it's actually sunk in.  Just look, I actually got a smile out of N!

 or maybe it was a laugh, but it was a great interaction!!!

T(girl) made sure that she sat next to me at the dinner table both nights and climbed into my lap to play around, too.  A(boy) was very upset that he had homework to do and couldn't show off his Wii gaming skills to me, so he was allowed to stay up late to enjoy the visit with his auntie!

 All in all, it was a very successful trip.  I accomplished the work objectives and had a great time with my family.  What more could you ask for? (A comfortable plane seat, but that's another story)

 

Saying good-bye at the end of the 2nd night was hard.  T said something along the lines of "what do you mean, you won't be here tomorrow night?" and "I'll miss you Aunty Ora".  N burrowed under the covers while I gave him a hug and A was very sad that I was leaving.  I love these kids.

I'll "lame" you, young lady

The youngest daughter is going to France for three weeks in May/June. We contacted the family over there several months back, and arrangements were made. She will be attending a school directly across the street from my cousin's home, the one her three children attended. I've purchased the tickets, she has her passport, she has been diligently saving her money.

Now, I knew that her first priority for that money was a new laptop. Not exactly cogent, one might think, but she's wanted a laptop for over a year now, and I understand how setting oneself an Important Deadline can make it easier to stay motivated and self-disciplined.

This week, though, it seemed that her focus on the laptop was getting out of hand. The deadline is fast approaching. She only has one or two more paycheques before she'll be boarding that plane.

And Rebekah? She is panicking.

"I won't have enough money, mom! I could buy one, but it would be cheap and chintzy and probably break down in a year. I don't want a crap laptop!"

Fair enough. So I suggest that it doesn't matter. The money she has saved so far will be a decent amount of spending money for her trip, and she can continue to save for the laptop afterward.

"I don't care about spending money!!!" And, it is entirely clear, that is as far as this conversation is going to get. She has collapsed on her bed in a puddle of existential despair. I pat her shoulder (it is shaken off, of course, but I do it anyway) and then leave.

I don't really get it. Sure, a laptop would be nice, but spending money is nicer. What kind of a trip would you get with not a penny to spend in your pocket? Bizarre. If I had to choose between laptop and spending money, I sure know which I'd... oh. And then the penny drops in the maternal head. Belatedly, no doubt. I'm sure you've figured it out already.

The laptop represents contact with her friends. She may be going to another country (a daunting prospect), but, with laptop under her elbow, she will be able to take her friends with her. Ah. Of course.

She has no idea what awaits her. She doesn't really remember our last trip to France. She has no conception of what international travel looks like, she doesn't know how she'll be filling her days. Of course she wants the security of her friends. What she needs, obviously, is some sense of what awaits. We need to do a little research, see what the local sights and attractions are, scope out some potential day trips for her. How foolish of me not to have thought of this before.

Thirty-some years ago, I was sixteen and traveling to England to stay with an aunt and uncle for six weeks. Before I got on that plane, I knew what I'd like to see in the city in which I'd be staying, and I had day trips to London, Stratford, and even into Wales planned for myself. Contact with my friends, in the days before the Internet, would be in the form of lots and lots and lots of post cards. My mother and I had pored over travel brochures and books. It had been such fun, planning my Big Adventures!

I need to do the same with my daughter. Duh.

A day or two later, there is time and opportunity.

"Hey, sweetie. Come have a look at this." I have on my laptop screen a page of the sights and sounds of the region. "Look at what is right around the corner from where you'll be staying!"

She looks at me, a bit blankly.

"These are things you can explore while you're at Gillian's."

"You mean, I could go see them?"

"Yes!"

"By myself?"

"Yes!"

Ah, she's getting it! The romance of travel! The excitment of discovery! The empowerment of being autonomous!

"Travel by myself? That's LAME, mom!"

She bounds upstairs again, no doubt to wallow once more in existential despair. Good thing, too, because what's on the tip of my tongue,

"Lame? LAME?!?! I'll tell you what's lame! Lame is spending over a thousand dollars to go to another country so that you can sit in your bedroom and IM your friends, which you can do at home! For free! THAT'S LAME, young lady!" is not entirely constructive.

It may yet get said. But not just yet. She's feeling unnerved, a little apprehensive, intimidated. All perfectly understandable. And she's reacting to these negative feelings in entirely true-to-form adolescent ways. (None of them particularly helpful, but also understandable, even if they are REALLY, REALLY AGGRAVATING!)

It was Rebekah's wise older sister Sarah who made the more constructive suggestion: Enlist the help of Adam's wonderful (sadly, ex-) girlfriend. Erika has travelled widely. In fact, she will be in Paris when Rebekah's flight gets in, so the girls already have a day of adventure in Paris planned. complete with renting bicycles and exploring a "whole bunch of neat places Erika knows!" (Bless that girl.) Sarah is brilliant! Erika is wonderful!

I am hereby enlisting Erika as my Secret Weapon. If anyone can get Rebekah psyched up, enthused and motivated to enjoy her time in France to the very fullest, is it the effervescent, energetic, and positive Erika. We'll get my girl's attitude shifted ... whether she likes it or not!

"Lame." Good lord.

Before School: It's a Vacation

We just got back from a lovely, restful vacation.  It was only Abe and Rose and me.  The largest (adult) child took himself to a Bar Mitzvah in California and left us to go on vacation without him.  I think that we had a much better time without him than we possibly could with him along.

We had "bought" 3 nights in a condo near Loon Mountain, in Lincoln, New Hampshire at the school silent auction from Rosie's old school.  Since we don't downhill ski, we like to go up to the mountains in the summertime.  We've actually been up at that area about 4 or 5 times.

This time, we had no major plans set, although we were probably going to go to the water park.  We hiked a little (very, very, mild walks), played mini-golf twice, went to the hot tub at the condo village twice and generally relaxed and sat around.  We did a little bit of shopping - mostly shirts for Rose, but also a dress for Mom and a windbreaker for Abe (who had lost his at school!) 

We ate in (the condo), we ate out, we relaxed.  And one of the reasons that Mom could relax was that (wonders of wonders, miracles or miracles....) the kids were EXTREMELY good.  There was a little bit of squabbling and sniping, but overall, everyone (mom included) gave a bit and the vacation was very calm.  This was just what mom needed, even if the kids weren't highly entertained. Abe had to (shudder) actually perform some (very mild) exercise and Rosie had to put up with her brother.But, mostly, Abe got to read and watch TV, Rose got to shop and watch TV, Mom got to sleep late, spend some time outside, not feel guilty about not doing a bunch of chores, eat wonderful meals that she hadn't prepared and not have to yell at the kids.  Mom certainly got the best of this deal. 

But now it's back to school and work.  Abe is back at FLC where he still has another day of vacation there.  Rosie will go to orientation and then start public school in a few days and Mom gets to water the new lawn.  Vacation is always over too soon.

Back to School: Pack. Unpack. Repeat.

We have gotten this down to a science. Two women who loathe packing but refuse to let that get in our way. Jana and I have a guerilla-style of getting the job done. Pack in one day, unpack the next. It helps to not prolong the agony. In the last four months she has moved home from college, gone to Israel for 10 days, gone to camp for 7 weeks and round robin back to college.

Just a couple of casualties to date:

21 lbs of shoes (not exaggerating, this is the exact weight), 'lost' by UPS.
After being not so nice to the rep on the phone about the incorrect address they 'claimed' we wrote on the package, we find out from her friends that it was, in fact, the incorrect address (what are a few digits amongst shippers?) What is the shot I would get the SAME rep on the phone when calling back the 800#? Yeh, that was a little embarrassing. (Three days later and 5 more phone calls to UPS and I believe those many little tiny (size 6) shoes are being delivered today!)

The missing printer
University of Wisconsin has a wonderful (translation: money-sucking, opportunistic, prey upon the inadaquecy of the out-of-towners) service that packs, stores, washes, dry cleans and delivers back whatever you need. (pets and anything else with a heartbeat are probably where they draw the line). They did an almost flawless job with all their bar-coding and databasing – just need to locate one of the only items she really needs in college, the printer (not as if 21 lbs. of shoes are not important, too, of course).

Off to one more round of Target, Bed Bath and way Beyond the amount of money that should be spent on this stuff and then I am on to more relaxing endeavors...

Like getting Danny set for 11th grade – that oh so relaxing year of SATs, driver's ed and college touring.

Hmmm, I wonder if I have time for a massage before I leave...