Mid-CenturyModernMoms

Arguing over food

My twins are very very different. Like Patty Duke, they're different as night and day. My son is a big galoot of a guy, tall, big boned, a bit chunky, blond hair and blue eyes. He's kinda geeky, introverted, a bit socially awkward, smart as a whip, and so freaking obnoxious he could win prizes.

My daughter is petite, sweet and loving, with such a potty mouth you could just keel over. She's very social, but not adept socially. She has tons of friends, is an extrovert of grand proportions, can't stand to not be doing SOMETHING fun every second of the day, and she's a bit of a dim bulb sometimes. With dark hair and dark eyes, her olive skin makes people assume she's from another culture quite a bit.

The one thing that really sets them apart, and makes them argue more than any other topic is food. OMG you would think they were starving African refugees they way the act around food. My son eats anything that is not nailed down. He is relentless in his ability to eat and eat and eat. Even when he knows that the food he's eating is earmarked for a celebration (say the bowl of potato salad for today's picnic for July 4th) or something that was purchased just for me or the Girl. He will eat anything, even when he knows there will be consequences. He just doesn't care. He is an eating machine. Plus he has no interest in setting something aside if he wants to eat it. His impulsivity around food makes for more trouble than anything else.

His sister is not a big eater, nor does she like most foods. What she does like, she protects viciously. She labels things, she hides food, she will do anything to reserve food for herself. Unfortunately, her brother has no respect for her and will search her room if he's on the lookout for candy or sweets. She always has candy or sweets hidden.

My daughter has taken to counting food. If you ever wanted to live with a really annoying person, find a food counter. It could drive you right into the gin bottle. She knows how much there is of everything, and if there is one morsel missing, she's sure to comment upon it. If she's out, when she returns the first thing she does is take inventory of what he's eaten. She counts everything and nothing escapes her eagle eye.

Now, try and imagine living with this pair. She knows if one crumb of pie is missing and he will eat an entire pie if he can possibly not get caught. It's like living in a constant battle zone. I try to make both sides a bit more respectful of each other, but in truth my son is not going to stop eating like every hour is his last meal and she's not going to accept that he's in this huge growth spurt and needs the food intake. They're not nice to each other. They say hurtful things and in honestly, cannot understand the other's position at all. Or even want to. They're content to keep fighting over food. It gives them something to do.

If truth be told, I'm very concerned about my son's lack of sensitivity regarding food. It drives me absolutely bonkers that he will eat things that he KNOWS are earmarked for a celebration or a special occasion. In our house, he will eat all the leftovers knowing that I might want them for lunch. He'll eat all the ice cream in the house, leaving none for anyone else. Whole containers of cookies disappear. Whole loaves of bread vanish without a trace. He takes food up to his room and leaves the dishes up there until I go ballistic because we have no dishes, glasses or silverware left. The kid is that rude and insensitive.

I can't force him to stop. He doesn't really care that this bothers me and his sister. Stuffing his face is way more important than trying not to take what isn't his. So I have no clue as to how to get them to make peace over food. She's furious that everything she wants to eat disappears before she has a chance to even get a taste. He's furious that we're always pissed at him for taking food and eating it all.

Is there any way to solve this? I can't think of one.

Teenagers~Just Waiting Until My Sanity Flees

My viewpoint as I walk in house at 3:15p.m. the other day~BBB was lying on the couch acting lethargic with MTV blaring, a coke not on a coaster, remnants of chips lying on the floor and a very faint smirk on his face.

BBB thinking~So nice to lie on couch w/o mom around. Darn. They're home. Maybe if I pretend I don't see them or answer them, they will not notice me.

My thoughts~get off my couch you brat. He's using selective hearing again. I detest when he does that. Get your freaking size 11 feet off my leather couch!

BBB~HA! It's worked. I can see Mom's lips moving but I cannot hear anything.  Her face is getting red, heehee. Oh wait, Dad just said to get my feet off the couch.

Me~Grrrrrrr. Rolling my eyes towards heaven knowing, just knowing, my mom's up there laughing her ass off. So not funny right now mom! I know I deserve it, but not now!

BBB~La la la la. I'm just lying on the couch listening to bad music and watching the MTV dance off. Tra la la. On my own little BBB planet where no one else can live. La la.

Me~If I go push the 70 inch kid off the couch will he make a dent in the wood floor and will he scream loud enough for the neighbors to hear?

BBB~Snicker. The mom looks annoyed. I like that. Here I am on her couch, drinking her Coke, watching her TV........I think it might be smart to go upstairs before she blows like a great white whale.

He gets up, doesn't say a word and walks upstairs.

Me~maybe I should take 10 xanax and I won't even know who is in the room or what they are watching. There's a plan.............oh my couch is open. I'm good.

Parental support

We're all parents of teenagers here at MCMM. But some of us are parents of very special teenagers. By that I don't mean the academically perfect MIT bound volunteer for the summer in Kenya building schools special teenager. More like the "lazy, emotionally immature, neurologically impaired, psychologically tweaked" kind of special. My kids are certainly in that category and many of our writers also have kids who fit in that strange mix of labels as well.

Today I'm going to skip talking about the kids and talk about parenting. It's hard enough parenting a neurotypical teenager. What with the mood swings and the opinions and the foul mouths, it cam be challenging just getting through the day with a really cool and neurologically fine kid. But parenting these other kids, these 'special' kids can rob an adult of their ability to be congnatively awake at any given moment. When your brain is working overtime just trying to stay one step ahead of the kid that is manipulative, dishonest, and has little control over implusivity, you're gonna flatline if you don't seek a bit of help yourself. It's just too darn hard to do this stuff alone.

Many couples rely on each other and don't think they need outside support. Or get psychological help for their child but eschew family therapy. If you want to burn out quickly and affect the other NT members of your family, that's certainly a way to go. But I don't believe that it's necessarily the right way, nor the only way. What I want to talk about is the support services that are out there for families with these special kids.

If you have a child that is using drugs, stealing cars, lying and stealing, or doing a lot of illegal activites but has yet not been caught by the police, you can ask for court involvement without getting your child a record. Did you know this? It's a way of taking the onus off of you, the parents, and putting it onto the Judge that oversees your child's case. To do this, you have to go to your local courthouse where there is a Youth Probation Officer and file a CHINS. This means a "Child in Need of Services" petition. A CHINS essentially sets up a relationship between your child and the court, and will write up a contract with your child telling them exactly what they may NOT do. A lawyer is assigned to your child. It is NOT your attorney, it is your child's attorney, and their discussion is priviledged, just like a therapists. But, like a therapist, if there is any notion of harm to self or others, they will tell you and they will seek a hospitalization.  When a child has a CHINS, they have to appear in front of the Judge regularly. The Judge gets the child's report cards and reports from the school regarding attendance and behavior. They also confer with the child's therapist and psychiatrist, as well as the Attorney and, if needed, a guardian ad litem.  If the child has NOT followed the CHINS, the Judge can make decisions regarding the consequences. This might be further court involvement, Department of Social Services (CPS) or Department of Youth Services involvement, or might just involve tweaking the CHINS.

The CHINS is your first line of defense when illegal activity or behavior you cannot control, such as running away or setting fires, has you really needing outside help. When you have filed a CHINS, you are able to get VOLUNTARY DSS services. Scary? You betcha. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the scariest decision a parent has to make when dealing with a child whose impulsivity is dangerous to himself or others. But so many of us HAVE faced it, and made the decision to ask for this type of help. And after it's over, we're all pretty darn grateful considering how much help you can get this way.

If you ask for Voluntary DSS/CPS involvement, you'll be assigned a caseworker, and with this caseworker you'll determine what the family needs entail. They will pay for therapy, ensure that you have medical insurance for this child, they'll get you an in-home social worker for family therapy, they can assign the child a mentor, they can get your child hospitalized, into Acute Residential Treatment  programs, and even into residential schools. Your caseworker can help you with special parenting skills classes, respite care, and even some financial help. Once your child is involved in DSS Voluntary services, you are going to get help. Sometimes more help than you wanted or think you needed. It might be a couple of years of some very difficult work with your family, but it IS worth it in the long run.

Another road, if you have a child with a mental illness, is to contact your state's Department of Mental Health (DMH). Yeah, that one is a hard call to make. Nobody wants to admit that they are dealing with a mental illness that is making it too difficult for the family to function normally. It takes some families years to ask for this one, but again, once the call is made, if you are accepted into their program, it is going to make a huge difference. Most of what DMH can and will do for you is similar to what DSS does. Only DMH works with different agencies that specialize in mental health issues. You'll still get a caseworker, you'll still get the hospitalizations, insurance, ARTs and residential schools pair for, only by DMH. They offer MORE in the way of financial help, ensuring that you won't get evicted from your apartment because of mental health issues, and will assign you an in-home therapist as well.

Asking for this type of help is extremely difficult. But it is there for you. It's just waiting for you to make the first step and call. As a parent who has made these phone calls more than once, I know that the decision to admit you need outside help feels like you're failing as a parent. But it isn't that at all. In fact, I believe that to be a GOOD parent of kids like this, we do need to ask for help in order to offer our children the best of the best.

If you have questions about the process or about my own experience with these various agencies, please email me. I'm happy to answer any questions I can.

I guess strangling him wouldn't improve his COMMUNICATION skills, would it?

Last fall, Daniel had a bit of a personal crisis. Though I got the bare bones of it, he didn't want to talk about it with His Mother. Could he please go see Dr. D, the psychologist his older sister had seen for a few months after the separation? (Who his sister still chats with once in a while.)

The sessions cost $155 an hour. This is not small change for me, parent of three, step-parent of five, living on one and one-fifth income. (Four-fifths of my husband's income is taken up by income tax, student loans, union dues and child support.) However, it's my child's well-being... And maybe the boy will learn some useful emotional and life skills. So, yes, of course you can see Dr. D, son.

After a couple of months, I asked how it was going. The crisis was comfortably over, and it is costing  $155 every week... My budget is feeling the pinch like a vice-grip applied to one's butt.

"Well," he said, "I like talking to her. It's nice."

("It's nice?" Um, no. NOT worth $155/week, son.)  Okay. Must probe a bit. "Can you give me some idea what you're talking about?"

"Well, mostly about communication."

My mind reels in delighted astonishment.

COMMUNICATION!!!!! My son was discussing COMMUNICATION! My son, my cheerful, easy-going, largely cooperative son, who can and will talk your ear off about a quirky cartoon or a computer game, becomes completely mute when conversation threatens to become personal. He will talk about personal stuff when it reaches the crisis point, and I take a great deal of satisfaction in that, but in the ordinary run of things? I get NOTHING, people, NOTHING. Shrugs, grunts, one-word non-answers.

My boy is getting an hour a week's tutorial in COMMUNICATING??

Worth every penny. Every single penny. I'm sure we can squeak the money out of the budget somehow. We don't really need to eat three times a day, after all. Do we? Surely twice would suffice.

It was worth it even more when, by dint of a doctor's prescription for psychotherapy, our insurance started paying the lion's share. (Thank you to smart doctor who thought of that. I didn't know therapy could be prescribed!! But why not?)

COMMUNICATION! My boy is getting lessons in COMMUNICATION! I envision that glorious day when "You feeling okay, sweetie? You look a little down," is answered with full, entire sentence! Yeah!

However, I'm still forking out a chunk of money every month. After six months, I decide it's time to  check in with the boy. And besides, I'm his mother. I love him. And I'm curious! I want to know what he thinks about it. I want to know how the experience is affecting him. I want to know what's going on inside his head, his thoughts, his responses.

I want COMMUNICATION.

Me: How are your sessions with Dr. D going?
Daniel: Fiiine. (Tones of mild suspicion.)
Me: Are you enjoying them?
Daniel: Yes. (Suspicion rising.)
Me: Do you feel you're getting anything out of them?
Daniel: Yeees. (Hint of defensive, self-protective edge to the voice.)

Longish pause. Will he divulge?
Pause continues.
And continues. And continues some more. My patience is rewarded by ... silence. He's not divulging. I will have to ask. Sigh.

Me: So, what do you think you’re getting out of them?
Pause.
Daniel: Well, that’s hard to say, really.

Six months working on "COMMUNICATION", and it's "HARD TO SAY" what he's getting out of these sessions.

Money well spent, wouldn't you say?

The Pros And Cons Of Raising Teenagers

Yes. Believe it or not, there are several advantages to parenting teens. Let's see if I can pull my brain together enough to get a few down here.

The positive list is first. The negative/educational list is later.

1. Teens are addicted to computers. If you own several computers the teens will leave you alone until the cows come home. That means they forget about food and phone calls and television. You can watch what you like, eat whatever you want and even talk on the phone without being bothered.

2. Teens sleep in, every day. This means you can sleep in as well, assuming you don't have a job to go to or a class... The house is very quiet when the teens are sleeping, nice and silent.

3. Teens will always eat pizza. If you forget to make dinner, pizza is only a phone call away.

4. Teens leave their dirty clothes on the floor. If you have a dirty carpet~NO ONE will ever know. They cannot see the carpet through the clothes.

5. Teens like to stay up late. You will never feel lonely again at 2am. Your teen will be awake with you.

6. Teens love to eat late at night. Here's your excuse for a midnight snack. "Oh hi honey, I was just making the kids some food." (He/she'll never know you planned on eating as well.)

7. Teens are messy everywhere~this means you can blame them even if you made the mess. This is very handy if you have a spouse who's anal-retentive.

8. Teens NEVER fill the gas tank. Something else you can blame on them. "Sweetie, I just filled it. Fido must have used the car and all the fuel I put in it."

9. Teens forget to turn off lights. You'll never come home to a dark house while you have teens.

10. Teens eat lots. When they are old enough to drive, they are old enough to do the grocery shopping for you. This is very advantageous for those of us who detest grocery shopping.

For all of you who have younger children or no children, let's talk about teens. Don't be scared...well, really smart parents are scared. Teenagers are frickin' scary!

Janice's not-so-well-known facts about teenagers.

1. Teens are full of drama and angst and over-reaction. Full of it. When BBB was 13/14 all I had to do is glance his way to elicit this angry response: "What? WHAT? Why are looking at me thatway?" Dang boy I was flipping my hair off my face. I did not even mean to look his way. YIKES. The really fun days were when he got home from junior high, slammed the front door shut and stomped right on past me. The best way to react: IGNORE their presence until they seem calmer.

2. Just when you you get a grip on how to handle new and exciting behaviors, they change. Get to used to it. At 19 BPB still does this. Life with a teen is rarely if ever predictable.

3. Be prepared to have your teen ignore you and if anyone they know is close by they will pretend that have never seen you before. DO NOT embarrass your child by saying Hello to anyone. Pretend to be invisible!(I, personally, love messing with my teens' minds, so I would always introduce myself to anyone that was even close by.)

4. (AHEM)If male teens spend extra time in the bathroom do not knock on the door and scream, "What is taking you so long in there??". Trust me on this one.

5. Teens love to think they are independent. They will want you to drive them to and fro, here and there, up and downtown and everywhere but they will want you to let them go out of the car without a kiss goodbye, without you sticking your head out the window and screaming: "Hey my honeybabysugar! I love you!!!" This will cause your teen to turn beet red and flee from sight rapidly, maybe never to return. ( No suck luck. They always come home~they know where the money and food are.)

6. Teens sleep ALOT! Particularly boys between the ages 13-17. My BBB took naps last summer because he was so tired from growing. They will grow! One day you need to look down to meet their eyes. The next day they are looking down at you. It's disconcerting.

7. Teens eat 24 hours, 7 days a week. Not kidding! Get ready to serve up seconds and thirds and fourths. Also try to have snacks on hand at all times. Teens are hungry at 12 noon and 12 midnight. Just stock up! My food bill is 4 times what it was when the boys were younger.

8. Teens lie. If they get caught red-handed they will deny, deny, deny. Dr. Phil says, "How do you know if your teens are lying to you? Their lips are moving."I find this to be true in older teens the most.

9. BIG WARNING HERE: Expect your teen to go from acting like a 14yo to a 2yo in 30 seconds or less. No warnings. Temper tantrums, inability to make decisions, crying for no reason, slamming doors and stomping their feet.I think that is enough for now. You are most likely thinking it might be a good idea to sell your 10yos on the black market.....don't even dream about it. Teens always get returned to owner.

A total bust

Crossposted at What Was I THINKING?

Today's IEP meeting for the Girl was one of the most frustrating moments of my life. The school...well, they certainly made it clear that they have nothing to offer her. They want her to go to the other high school. She is refusing. We're at a total impasse. She won't even go to visit the program they're recommending. She feels like the high school is rejecting her and refusing her desire to come back to school. They feel that she needs supports they can't (or won't) offer.

I'm so upset. She's angry and stubborn and won't even consider alternatives.

They're angry and stubborn and won't even consider alternatives.

I can't make anyone move towards a compromise.

I honestly don't know what to do. She really has good points. She doesn't want to change schools. She wants to stay where she's emotionally happy. She knows plenty of kids at the other high school, but she also knows that the drug problem is much more severe there, and that the kids she knows in the other program will only lead her into more trouble. She's cognizent of the social issues but she's also so freaking stubborn that she just will not even make an effort. Not even to go visit the program. She's stated that if she's forced to go into this program she will drop out of school, and since she'll be 16, it's going to be hard to stop her.

She's totally blown math for this semester, but after meeting her math teacher, I now get why. He's an arrogant SOB who really had nothing pleasant to say about her. I mean nothing. After the meeting I sat down with her and she reveals to me why her math teacher was complaining about her. He said that she's the smartest person in the class and has the ability to do good work in a Curriculum 1 class. Well no shit, Sherlock. She WAS in a Curriculum 1 math class and the school, in it's infinite wisdom, changed her schedule and the only math class available that period was one about 5 levels below what she was in before she went to the hospital. Aarrrghhh.

Plus, she has complained ever since she got back to school about this teacher. Some of her issues: he sits at his desk and talks about his camping and hiking instead of teaching math. He doesn't wear shoes or socks in class and puts his feet up on the desk (she has an issue with feet and is totally grossed out by this). He allows kids to wear Ipods in class. He doesn't care if kids are late or leave early. He has totally checked out of teaching because he only teaches the burnout kids in the special programs. While I get his burnout status, having taught some of those kids myself, I'm sorry, but he has no right to not even TRY to teach, and then to sit at the meeting and make it sound like she's totally at fault that she isn't doing anything.

After the meeting, I got a phone call from her support person, and she confirmed what the Girl said about the math teacher. I mean, she went as far as telling me to talk to the head of the math department to express my concerns. So I know that what the Girl said is at least accurate. And I will be calling the math head.

Her biology teacher, OTOH, recommended that she go into Curriculum 1 chemistry next year, and said she was doing well. So did her tutor who is helping her in English. But it didn't matter. The school had NO alternative plan. It was go to this program, in which they have already made space for her, or tough noogies. Soooo unacceptable.

She's so upset. She doesn't understand why the school is 'kicking her out.' She feels that it's all her fault and she just won't acknowledge that they are also to blame. She doesn't get that adults can be so uncooperative. I'm not that way ever with her, and she expects other people to listen to her and work with her the way I do. Fat Chance! It's a very hard lesson to learn, and she's resisting learning it on all fronts.

She's just been so disappointed lately. Her therapist is irresponsible and misses about half her appointments. Her tutor came 3 times in 3 weeks due to other commitments. People let her down all the time and she feels like they are rejecting her when they're just acting like asshats.

I feel so sorry for her. I'm so angry and so upset and so horribly sad. It is ridiculous that we're in this place.

Next step, reporting school to the state for non-compliance.

Oh, and I have GOT to tell you this one. Because it just about made my head explode. The reason I have refused to sign the IEP all year is that her latest IEP didn't include her diagnosis of NVLD. It was like she was cured or something. So today I bring the private psychologist's report showing her obvious NVLD diagnosis as Axis II. The school psychologist says that the new WISC doesn't test for many of the NVLD subtests. So, voila. If you don't test for it, it no longer exists. Um, I think not. I did not let them get away with that one. The schmucks.

Two different stories, one hurting kid

I attend a support group for parents of 'difficult' adolescents. Which isn't really what it is at all, incidentally. All of the parents who attend this group have kids with some type of mental or emotional disorder. We have depressed kids, suicidal kids, bipolar kids, kids with rare genetic disorders, kids who just don't fit any mold. The thing all these kids have in common is that they've been hospitalized, many multiple times, because they were either a danger to themselves or a danger to others. Oh, and they all have parents who are tearing their hair out in frustration trying to figure out just what to do.

We're a fairly tight knit group of moms. We not only support each other in our quest to find the best care for each of our respective kids, we attend each other's school meetings, visits to special programs, and just to hang out and give each other hugs. In the short time I've been part of this group, I've made a good friend, and I've gotten a lot of great advice. It's really a fabulous support group.

So what's the but?

Today, for the first time, we had a dad come to our meeting. It wasn't a big deal that he was male, as we're all grown ups. He is a single dad and he introduced us to his daughter (figuratively) who is a hurting buckaroo for a variety of reasons. We all encouraged him to take certain types of actions, we listened to his story, we were more than supportive to him, we didn't scare him off, and he promised to return.

And the problem is?

Oy! Privacy. My favorite issue. His daughter and my son were in a program together. A program that encourages the kids to share their issues with the small group. What my son knows of this girl is not essentially what the father reported to our group. This makes me VERY uncomfortable. Because I know things about her that her father doesn't, from the things my son reported. But it gets even more uncomfortable. While my son was in this program, another friend of his who we'll call Dirty (because he is) was also at the program. Dirty and my son have known each other for years. Dirty and this man's daughter evidentially had it in for each other, and when Dirty came over during this time, he talked a lot about this particular girl. Now, I had no clue I'd EVER meet this girl's parent. They live hours away from us. Who would have thunk it? But damn... the girl who was a big topic of conversation in our house for weeks is this guy's daughter. Doesn't that suck?

I know I need to keep my mouth shut. I'm not completely idiotic. But I feel incredibly uncomfortable knowing some things that her father SHOULD know, but apparently doesn't. His daughter is in a lot of emotional pain for reasons totally unknown to him. But not to me. And if that doesn't bite, I don't know what does.

That's one of the problems with your kids being in programs. So much is shared, some of it the truth, some of it false, but a lot of it just plain painful. They're encouraged to get their pain out their, to acknowledge it and then move on. The groups help these kids to learn coping mechanisms, to recognize where their behavior comes from, and to be able to grow from their problems. Those are all good things. But the problem is that the kids gossip both amongst themselves, and they often come home and bitch about the other kids in the program. Which is exactly what happened here. My kid and Dirty weren't outing this girl. They were talking about how tough she was to deal with, and during those discussions, personal things were revealed.

So, here I am, brimming with information I wish I didn't have and not knowing what to do with it. Any advice?

Mixed Messages

So much is going on at our house that I feel the need to unburden myself or I'm gonna 'splode from all the information overload. There's good news, there's bad news, there's insanity, and there is relative calm. Oh, and there are two nutty teenagers that live to change the equilibrium at any given moment. Because, you know, they're teens!

So what's new?

The Boy made high honor roll in school. HIGH HONOR ROLL. You have no idea of the nachas this gives me. I'm so very proud of him for finally, after 11 years in school, buckling down and deciding to maybe, perhaps, um...do his work. Because that's a good idea if you're trying to get into college, isn't it?

But is he happy? Why no, because I'm a bitch to him and I never do anything nice for him and he hates me and hopes I have a heart attack and die. He's just a bundle of joy these days. I'm so sick of being screamed at I just want to duct tape his mouth shut. I won't, but don't think I don't fantasize about it. And just what is it that he's so angry about? Oh, I had the unmitigated gall to ask him to dig up some weeds in the garden. Last week. And then again every freaking day. But he won't do it, and he says that he gets no pleasure from gardening, so why should he do it? Um, maybe because you eat the food I grow from my garden? Could that be a good reason? Evidentially not.

And then there was that party. The one my darling son held while I was out of town. The one he was told not to even THINK about. But he did it anyways, and there was alcohol and probably pot and a whole bunch of kids spread all over our front hill. How did I find out about the party? Well, first I found an empty liter bottle of gin in his closet. That was a fun discussion. And because I am the suspicious type (do you wonder why?), I checked his Facebook page. Facebook is awesome for catching kids doing bad things. They're so dumb they leave up photos of the parties. All you have to do is follow the photos. I did, and lo and behold, that was our porch with my son holding a beer can looking particularly wasted on a friends photo set. Ahem. I could probably get a job with Scotland Yard. I'm that good.

Consequently, things are up and down with him. School = good. Home = bad.

The other one? The Girl? She's gonna drive me absolutely bonkers writing a paper on a book she read for school. She hated the book. So what else is new? She hates reading of all kinds. Sort of a disappointment for a serious book lover and writer like myself, but what can I do? Her father is an engineer. Say no more.

The deal is, if she persists in whining and nagging and complaining, at some point I'll come to her rescue just to shut her up. Guilty as sin, I am. But gosh, how much whining can one person take? My tolerance is low, apparently.

Her schooling is coming along despite the fact that her tutor is dyslexic (I know!) and not overly bright. Sweet as sugar and helpful as can be, but OMG, I eventually insert myself in the tutoring sessions in English because otherwise my kid would be learning the wrong stuff. Math and science, I'm not that worried about. The kid is doing fine in school.

However, the school. Well, as nice as they are about my son, they're nasty and unpleasant and totally unhelpful to my daughter. They do not like her. They do not like green eggs and ham either. Well, the feeling is mutual. Not about the green eggs, although I doubt I'd like those either. About the school administration. They are not nice to me, to her, and they're driving me beserko.

And then there's me. I'm doing ok, hanging in there. We're going as a family to Chicago in a couple of days for an event sponsored by Ford Motor Company. You would think that traveling with teenagers would be a piece of cake compared to toddlers and infants. Well... you would probably be wrong. The preparation before the trip is exhausting. We're being feted at a fancy restaurant for a Mother's Day dinner, which meant that we had some shopping to do.

The Boy has outgrown every single piece of clothing he owns, so we had to get him pants and shirts and a pair of shorts just in case the weather ever cleared up in Chicago. Apparently the weather will never clear up in Chicago. Sigh.

The Girl only owns summer dresses that fit well. And no decent pants. More shopping. Like the Girl, my only dress that is currently in style and that fits after a major weight loss is a strapless summer frock. Off to another store to get me something springy but with sleeves and a bit of skin coverage. I hate to shop, I hate to spend money on clothes, and I hate to take my kids shopping. So this week was really swell. 

Oh, and the allergies. The allergies! We all are suffering. The sniffles, the nosebleeds, the itchy eyes, the rashes.

All in all, a jolly good time at our house! So what's going on with you?

How will they take it?

By Ora

A positive note before I go off on another track. 

We really liked one of the second batches of schools that we looked at for Abe (17.5 yo, ADHD, PDD, NVLD...) and they accepted him.  Our second place school also accepted him.  This school- FLC- won't have a suitable opening until the end of the school year, 3rd week in June, although there is a possibility of sometime in May, maybe.

Abe actually wanted to go to the second place school because it a) already had a Dungeons and Dragons group (and he loves D&D) and b) the facilities are a bit nicer.  But it wasn't totally his decision (if at all) and he's okay going to FLC. So we've chosen FLC, and he'll be starting there mid-June, and in the meantime he's in a day program that is working with his special needs through therapy and a teeny tiny bit of actual school work. It looks like he'll be repeating this school year, which is a blessing in disguise as it will give him more time at FLC, a residential program that will be working with him on life skills for his foray into adulthood. Something that every kid in his situation needs, but is difficult for a parent to teach.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that. 

Thanks to Lewis Carroll.

My other thoughts today have to dwell on the harsher side of reality.  How do teenagers, neurotypical or special needs, react to the news that Mom is looking for a divorce from Dad?  Actually, how do you even tell them?  I definitely don't have the answer to this question, and, SURPRISE, I'm going to be springing it upon them sometime, potentially over the summer.  I don't have any answers now.  But I am looking for helpful input on this topic.  Have you been there? Can you help out with the emotional logistics involved?                                                                                                               

I'm a Natural Woman

by Judy Merrill Larsen

Don't worry, this isn't a post about not shaving my legs or letting my hair turn gray. Uh uh.  It's about the power of natural consequences.

As adults, we get this.  If I eat less and move more I'll lose weight.  Doesn't always make me do so, but that's a natural consequence I understand.  Same with, oh, say, paying bills so the electricity stays on.  In my fifteen years of teaching, I often found myself preaching this to my students.  Especially when they'd ask about extra-credit.  I'd launch into my song and dance about "Well, if you'd done the assigned work you wouldn't need extra-credit. now, would you, so why should I give you a chance to make more work for me?"  That always brought them around, yes indeedy.

But as a mom, it was often much harder for me to hold to this.  For a few years, when my sons were in elementary school, I was on a first-name basis with the night janitor at their school because we seemed to need to ask him to unlock a classroom door at least once a week to fetch something we needed to complete a homework assignment.  Part of me knew I should let them deal with the consequences of not remembering.  But it seemed so cold.  Harsh. 

No more.  One thing teenagers teach you (and the sooner, the better) is that they often only respond to natural consequences.  For example:

(and I need to make a disclaimer here.  Not all of these examples come from the children living under my roof.  Some come from their friends.  I swear.  But they're all instructive.)

~If, when you are "assigned" community service by a judge because of some hi-jinks you were caught participating in, "forgetting" to perform said hours will cause those hours to be doubled.  Plus you'll be fined.  So maybe next time you shouldn't ignore your mom's nagging.

~If you keep calling in sick to a job you no longer like, you'll get fired.  And the company who sends you your cell phone bill doesn't care the reason, they'll stop your service.  And, no, they don't have to warn you in advance.

~If you blow through all your lunch money/allowance by noon on Tuesday, you're going to be hungry (or brown-bagging it) for the rest of the week.  Not to mention that you can forget about any extra-curricular fun.

~If you buy clothes that scream "Skanky crack ho" to your parents, but "sneak-wear" them under your t-shirt, the school will likely call your parents to explain they don't mesh with the dress code and you'll be assigned a detention.  Also, said clothes will likely disappear the next time your mom does the laundry.

~Speaking of which, if your mom tells you to put all your dirty clothes in the laundry basket outside your door so she can get the laundry done and you don't, there will be no clean clothes for you.  Deal with it. Ha.

~And, if you decide your mom isn't all that bright and why can't you just put all your dirty clothes in the wash together (because she is no longer willing to do your laundry (see above)), don't expect that same stupid mom to replace your now pink underwear.  But you can expect her to laugh at you when you make your request.  And, if you've blown through your lunch money/allowance this week, you'll be wearing the pink underwear to school.

~If your economics professor has told you that your homework is all to be done on-line, and you sign up for the wrong on-line program, and then notice that your classmates have homework, but miraculously you don't, that doesn't mean you're off the hook; it means you'll be retaking the class in summer school.  At 8 a.m. if your mom has anything to say about it.

~If the bank explains that if you bounce a check there will be fees assessed--which will deplete your checking account even more, they really mean it.  It's not like when your mom used to tell you she'd fine you for having to go up to the elementary school at night to pick up your geography book.  She remembers how cute you were at age 4.  The bank doesn't, and even if they did, they wouldn't care.

Natural consequences.  They rock.  In part because your kids can't be mad at you or blame you.  Not that they won't try, but even they have to realize that they brought it on themselves.  And that's where the real power comes in--they have to take responsibility. 

That's a pretty powerful lesson.  And it leads to independence.  Possibly even adult behaviors.  And all you've had to do is sit back, watch it unfold and bite your tongue.