I've had people tell me, "You know, SuburbanCorrespondent, we like your regular blog; but that MCMM? It gets depressing - all you folks do is complain."
To which I say, "Welcome to raising teenagers!" Because, let's face it, mothers of toddlers can complain about dirty diapers one minute, then wax rhapsodic the next over the maximum cuteness that is a 2-year-old. Teens? Not cute. Even if you love them, and they are behaving halfway human, there's nothing bloggable in that. So it is the down side that gets all the press, I'm afraid - the tantrums, the self-centeredness, the....whoops - there I go again.
That said, there is a difference between complaining about teenager behavior and letting your teens walk all over you. Yes, I'll blog about something outrageous my teens have said or done. But rest assured, there is retribution. There is revenge. There is something that will keep me from feeling like a doormat. Because, you know what? (now watch out, here it comes...)
I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.
Are you beginning to understand? Sure, my teens might break the rules, and be pigs, and be rude. No one's perfect. And there is no way to parent that will ensure that teens behave perfectly. However, there is a way to parent that will ensure that teens will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they have stepped over the line. Repeat after me:
I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.
Very good. Therefore, if someone (say, a teen) wishes to enjoy house or computer or TV or cellphone privileges, it behooves him/her to suck up to the person in charge, now doesn't it? And when you think about it, sucking up to the person in charge can be a very valuable life skill. It is incumbent upon us parents to inculcate our teens with this skill. So what do you do the next time he/she is rude/messy/inconsiderate? Repeat after me:
I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.
Very good. You're getting better at that.
You know, last year, when my daughter was attending 8th grade at our public school and loved it? If she decided to come home and be rude/discourteous/unhelpful to her parents after spending the school day acting human for her teachers, well....the next morning the poor dear couldn't find her shoes. Nope. She was stuck home. Where she could practice her manners all day long. And if she practiced well....hey! presto! Her shoes reappeared the next morning. Magic!
We have one computer in our house. It has a login password that only my husband and I know. And we don't have to type in that password for any child who cannot remember how to do the dishes. If they say, "I forgot!" then we say, "Whaddaya know? We just forgot the password!" It's fun.
Our teens each have their own rooms. But remember, it is MY house. And in MY house, each morning the beds are made, and trash is removed from the floor of the bedrooms, and clean clothes sitting around in laundry baskets are put away. Because that's what my teens like to do.
NOT! They hate it. But if it doesn't get done, they can't get rides (it's MY car, you know); and they can't get computer access (see above); and they can't receive phone calls....I hope you all are getting the idea by now.
Some people feel that this approach is unkind. Not friendly. They want to have a pleasant relationship with their teens. So they don't punish them. They don't withhold the goodies. But is it a pleasant relationship if you are being kind to and considerate of your children, yet they are being rude to and dismissive of you? And is it right to teach them that they can be rude to someone and that someone will still let them do what they want? Is it fair to their future spouse to let your teens think that that is how interpersonal relationships work?
Those were all rhetorical questions, by the way.
You can't have a good relationship with your teens until they treat you with respect, automatically, all of the time. That doesn't mean they agree with all your decisions; it means that they do not swear at you, roll their eyes at you, yell at you, or refuse to do what is expected of them. Those conditions are what are known as non-negotiables. It doesn't matter how they feel about these conditions, people. It is the parents who are in charge. Remember?
I am the parent.
It is MY house.
It is MY computer.
It is MY television.
It is MY cellphone.
Margalit blogged yesterday about hiding her daughter's hair straightener because she would never put it away. (And believe me, Margalit, I was rooting for you - you go, girl!) But then her daughter found it and took it back. Should Margalit admit defeat? I don't think so. Margalit, you go into her room or bathroom or whatever and take it all - the lotions, the conditioner, the straightener (of course) and hide it all in a better place - say, in someone else's house. Leave her a few items (soap, comb, shampoo, perhaps). Explain that if those items are put away properly for an entire week, you will give her one or two items back. And if those items are put away properly for a week? She gets a few more back. Just make sure that the straightener is last. Ignore the symptoms of apoplexy she will exhibit as you explain the new system to her. And enjoy the heady feeling of power. It's intoxicating.
And the Xbox and TV that your son loves so much? Remove them. Give them away, even. That really gets a teen's attention. And there is no law against padlocking your refrigerator. It just looks a little weird to visitors. Sometimes teens require Xtreme Parenting. It doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you get to think outside the (X)box for a bit.
A friend of mine says she doesn't want to get engaged in a zillion battles like this with her teen. But the beauty of drawing a line in the sand and doing something radical is this: you only have to do it a few times before your teen starts to think twice. There won't be as many battles because they know you mean business. I haven't even had a reason to hide my daughter's shoes lately. Bummer. It was sort of fun watching her look for them.
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