Mid-CenturyModernMoms

Why be normal?

We threw a surprise party for my son's nineteenth birthday last month.

The boy is in the 'gifted' stream at his high school, as are his friends, with only one exception. When I was offered the option of having him apply to gifted, I was only partially convinced of the merits of the programme, but decided he'd enjoy the extra intellectual stimulation. He's very bright, but academically lazy (sigh). What I didn't understand at first was just how grouping these bright kids together would change the social dynamic of high school for him, in an entirely positive way.

Perhaps your high school was different than mine, but I remember having to hide my intelligence. I muted my interest in subjects outside the norm, and tried to fake an interest in the socially accepted areas of obsession. Which, with few exceptions, bored me. I wasn't a total sell-out: I was in the band, I was on the honour roll, I took on extra projects for fun, not just for extra credit. But I learned that all these idiosyncracies would be paid for socially, and sometimes the price was higher than I could face. (University? Loved, loved, loved it. Phew.)

But these kids in my living room last month? They are so accepting of so many idiosyncracies. They shriek and yell and indulge in brainless mayhem, as all teens do, but they also converse. They think, and, even more important, they don't have to hide this from their friends.

Here are some snippets:

(No, I didn't stay and party with the children. I figure that puts me in one of two camps: the pathetic forty-something trying desperately to be cool, needing the approval of children, or the parent who trusts her children so little she can't afford to leave them alone for a second. I was around for the first hour, while guests arrived and until a few minutes after my son showed up, and then for the last hour, to ensure they all left on schedule. A reasonable compromise, I figure.)

So, the snippets:

One of the girls came wearing a pink-and-red tutu over her jeans and carrying a magic wand. No one gave it a second's thought. ("Julia's in drama. They all do stuff like that.")    

Discussing a scene in the cafeteria earlier in the week:    
"She just uses indignation to get her way."    
"Yeah. Pre-emptive outrage."    
"Well, more like proactive outrage, because she's manipulating the outcome by going all hysterical."

Twenty minutes of computer talk which went completely over my head. They weren't talking about computer games, but about motherboards and processors and various other inner workings of the machines. (The one long-time friend who isn't in the gifted programme sits on the end of the couch with his girlfriend. "Do you know what they're talking about?" she asks him. "Nah." he says with his easy-going grin. "You get used to it.")    

"Have you finished your presentation for Mr. Science Teacher?"    
"I thought I was done, but then I found out about some research they're doing at McGill that takes it in a whole new direction, and he's given me an extension so I can try to contact the research team."

"Ian! Hey, Ian, I didn't know you'd be coming!"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Hey, man, you know you don't come to half these things."
"Nothing wrong with being anti-social."
"He's a misanthrope."
"Misanthropy rules, dude!"
[Catch this? Words of more than two syllables - and they ALL know what they mean.]    

One girl, who's in a theatre troupe that gives sex and sexuality presentations in junior and senior high schools, described how a certain principal had not allowed them to present part of their show. "It was 'too mature a subject' for his students."    
"How old were the students?" I asked.    
"Grade nine."     Someone else wanted to know which part had been prohibited. She suggested they guess.    
"Abortion?"    
nope.    
"Homosexuality?"    
nope    
"Sexual assault?"    
nope

   
Ummm... so what was it?    

"Masturbation."    

"WHAT?" One boy shouts out. "The one aspect of the whole presentation that they have the most experience with??"     General roar of laughter.    
[So sensible. No tittering, no squeamishness, but no prurience, either. Such a great bunch.]

And the movie they chose to watch? Monty Python's Holy Grail. Heh. In other circles, they'd be the geeks and the outcasts. Here, 'geek' is normal -- "normal" is boring. I love these kids.

Surprise! Your child has a mental illness!

I am blessed.  My older son has been diagnosed BP2 but we haven't seen a hypomanic eposide in 2 years.  He hasn't been on meds in over a year.  His choice as he's over 18.  Lucky for me, he's been pretty under control.  He's still manipulative and self-centered but what nineteen year old isn't?

I have a younger brother who manifested manic behavior at the age of 18.  He never manifested depression.  My family and I thought he was on LSD and other drugs.

Pregnant with my third child, my mother called and said my brother was at it again and she didn't know if she could visit after my baby was born.  I was determined to figure this puzzle out.  I was in a bible study group where someone mentioned the world manic.  I did not know what that meant and it was explained a DING! DING! DING! went off my head.

I called a friend of mine who was an ER nurse in one of the busiest ER's in Southern California.  She explained unipolar can happen.  Usually unipolar means depression but not always.

By this time my brother was ripping trellis's off my parents wall and telling my mother terrible lies about my father.  I called my dad and clued him in.  It took a few days but my dad called the cops.  The cops talking my extremely manic brother down enough to agree to go to private psychiatric hospital.  Thus changed our family's lives.  We didn't have a drug fiend but a family member with a very difficult to manage mental illness.

My parents spent many thousands of dollars to get my brother stabilized.  He was in house treatment for 3-4 weeks.  Whe he got out he began chewing his time released lithium and had to be put back in.

My parents never got to meet my son Brennan when he was healthy.  This was a sad issue but my brother's mental health was foremost and who knew Brennan would not live to 12 months of age.

When a member of your family has a mental illness it affects each member of the family.  My younger son resented all the attention and extra leeway he felt his older brother received.  I grieved for the normal life I had expected from my oldest.  Even without manic outbreaks, he lives his life differently from what we had generally expected.

My spouse denied the mental illness existed.  Our son was just  a stubborn lazy brat who couldn't be bothered to do anything useful.  Or to the other extreme where all behavior issues were blamed on his "thing with his brain".

There are many support groups online through www.BPkids.org and through NAMI locally.  Almost every area has a NAMI group which can be looked up through www.nami.org.

A total bust

Crossposted at What Was I THINKING?

Today's IEP meeting for the Girl was one of the most frustrating moments of my life. The school...well, they certainly made it clear that they have nothing to offer her. They want her to go to the other high school. She is refusing. We're at a total impasse. She won't even go to visit the program they're recommending. She feels like the high school is rejecting her and refusing her desire to come back to school. They feel that she needs supports they can't (or won't) offer.

I'm so upset. She's angry and stubborn and won't even consider alternatives.

They're angry and stubborn and won't even consider alternatives.

I can't make anyone move towards a compromise.

I honestly don't know what to do. She really has good points. She doesn't want to change schools. She wants to stay where she's emotionally happy. She knows plenty of kids at the other high school, but she also knows that the drug problem is much more severe there, and that the kids she knows in the other program will only lead her into more trouble. She's cognizent of the social issues but she's also so freaking stubborn that she just will not even make an effort. Not even to go visit the program. She's stated that if she's forced to go into this program she will drop out of school, and since she'll be 16, it's going to be hard to stop her.

She's totally blown math for this semester, but after meeting her math teacher, I now get why. He's an arrogant SOB who really had nothing pleasant to say about her. I mean nothing. After the meeting I sat down with her and she reveals to me why her math teacher was complaining about her. He said that she's the smartest person in the class and has the ability to do good work in a Curriculum 1 class. Well no shit, Sherlock. She WAS in a Curriculum 1 math class and the school, in it's infinite wisdom, changed her schedule and the only math class available that period was one about 5 levels below what she was in before she went to the hospital. Aarrrghhh.

Plus, she has complained ever since she got back to school about this teacher. Some of her issues: he sits at his desk and talks about his camping and hiking instead of teaching math. He doesn't wear shoes or socks in class and puts his feet up on the desk (she has an issue with feet and is totally grossed out by this). He allows kids to wear Ipods in class. He doesn't care if kids are late or leave early. He has totally checked out of teaching because he only teaches the burnout kids in the special programs. While I get his burnout status, having taught some of those kids myself, I'm sorry, but he has no right to not even TRY to teach, and then to sit at the meeting and make it sound like she's totally at fault that she isn't doing anything.

After the meeting, I got a phone call from her support person, and she confirmed what the Girl said about the math teacher. I mean, she went as far as telling me to talk to the head of the math department to express my concerns. So I know that what the Girl said is at least accurate. And I will be calling the math head.

Her biology teacher, OTOH, recommended that she go into Curriculum 1 chemistry next year, and said she was doing well. So did her tutor who is helping her in English. But it didn't matter. The school had NO alternative plan. It was go to this program, in which they have already made space for her, or tough noogies. Soooo unacceptable.

She's so upset. She doesn't understand why the school is 'kicking her out.' She feels that it's all her fault and she just won't acknowledge that they are also to blame. She doesn't get that adults can be so uncooperative. I'm not that way ever with her, and she expects other people to listen to her and work with her the way I do. Fat Chance! It's a very hard lesson to learn, and she's resisting learning it on all fronts.

She's just been so disappointed lately. Her therapist is irresponsible and misses about half her appointments. Her tutor came 3 times in 3 weeks due to other commitments. People let her down all the time and she feels like they are rejecting her when they're just acting like asshats.

I feel so sorry for her. I'm so angry and so upset and so horribly sad. It is ridiculous that we're in this place.

Next step, reporting school to the state for non-compliance.

Oh, and I have GOT to tell you this one. Because it just about made my head explode. The reason I have refused to sign the IEP all year is that her latest IEP didn't include her diagnosis of NVLD. It was like she was cured or something. So today I bring the private psychologist's report showing her obvious NVLD diagnosis as Axis II. The school psychologist says that the new WISC doesn't test for many of the NVLD subtests. So, voila. If you don't test for it, it no longer exists. Um, I think not. I did not let them get away with that one. The schmucks.

Two different stories, one hurting kid

I attend a support group for parents of 'difficult' adolescents. Which isn't really what it is at all, incidentally. All of the parents who attend this group have kids with some type of mental or emotional disorder. We have depressed kids, suicidal kids, bipolar kids, kids with rare genetic disorders, kids who just don't fit any mold. The thing all these kids have in common is that they've been hospitalized, many multiple times, because they were either a danger to themselves or a danger to others. Oh, and they all have parents who are tearing their hair out in frustration trying to figure out just what to do.

We're a fairly tight knit group of moms. We not only support each other in our quest to find the best care for each of our respective kids, we attend each other's school meetings, visits to special programs, and just to hang out and give each other hugs. In the short time I've been part of this group, I've made a good friend, and I've gotten a lot of great advice. It's really a fabulous support group.

So what's the but?

Today, for the first time, we had a dad come to our meeting. It wasn't a big deal that he was male, as we're all grown ups. He is a single dad and he introduced us to his daughter (figuratively) who is a hurting buckaroo for a variety of reasons. We all encouraged him to take certain types of actions, we listened to his story, we were more than supportive to him, we didn't scare him off, and he promised to return.

And the problem is?

Oy! Privacy. My favorite issue. His daughter and my son were in a program together. A program that encourages the kids to share their issues with the small group. What my son knows of this girl is not essentially what the father reported to our group. This makes me VERY uncomfortable. Because I know things about her that her father doesn't, from the things my son reported. But it gets even more uncomfortable. While my son was in this program, another friend of his who we'll call Dirty (because he is) was also at the program. Dirty and my son have known each other for years. Dirty and this man's daughter evidentially had it in for each other, and when Dirty came over during this time, he talked a lot about this particular girl. Now, I had no clue I'd EVER meet this girl's parent. They live hours away from us. Who would have thunk it? But damn... the girl who was a big topic of conversation in our house for weeks is this guy's daughter. Doesn't that suck?

I know I need to keep my mouth shut. I'm not completely idiotic. But I feel incredibly uncomfortable knowing some things that her father SHOULD know, but apparently doesn't. His daughter is in a lot of emotional pain for reasons totally unknown to him. But not to me. And if that doesn't bite, I don't know what does.

That's one of the problems with your kids being in programs. So much is shared, some of it the truth, some of it false, but a lot of it just plain painful. They're encouraged to get their pain out their, to acknowledge it and then move on. The groups help these kids to learn coping mechanisms, to recognize where their behavior comes from, and to be able to grow from their problems. Those are all good things. But the problem is that the kids gossip both amongst themselves, and they often come home and bitch about the other kids in the program. Which is exactly what happened here. My kid and Dirty weren't outing this girl. They were talking about how tough she was to deal with, and during those discussions, personal things were revealed.

So, here I am, brimming with information I wish I didn't have and not knowing what to do with it. Any advice?

Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards - Musings

As a first time mother, you don't know any  better.  The second time 'round, you're just too tired to care.

I hope that you had a happy Mother's Day!!!

Our dreams (plans) for our children change over the years.  A parent can keep those dreams until you get hit in the face that they must be modified.

Looking back, I can see that some of my hopes for Abe (17.5 yo, PDD, ADHD, NVLD, etc) were too expansive.  When he was born, I hoped for a wonderful kid who was going to have a wonderful life.  He's a wonderful kid (when he wants to be) who has had a hard life in terms of figuring out how to deal with his disabilities.  I still hope that when he's older, he'll think that he had a good childhood.

When Abe first started at an out-of-district, special education  placement school in the middle of 4th grade, I had dreams that he would be back in the mainstream during the high school years.  When Abe went to a high school SPED placement, I had dreams that he was going to graduate "on time" and go onto a regular college.

Now my dreams look somewhat different.  I want him to repeat 11th grade so that he can have more time in the therapeutic environment of the residential school that he's starting at the end of June.  I still dream of him going off to college and living an independent life, but I know that he is years away from that.  Abe's going to get there, but it's going to take him longer than other kids.  But I have faith that he's gonna get there (ya gotta have faith, baby).

My dreams for Rosie (14 yo, NT, ADHD) were never different than mine for her brother.  Be a good person, be of good intelligence, learn at nice schools and have a wonderful life.  I never dreamed that I would expose my children to the harshness of both parents having cancer or to domestic discord; but that's some of my legacy to them.

A mother always has hopes and dreams for her children.  Those wishes have changed over time as to specifics, but the basics of wanting the best for your kids always stays.

One from Column A, one from Column B...

Off we go into the wild blue yonder.....  Oops, wrong song, but the right thought.  However, I do feel that I'm entering a brave new world.  We've been looking at some residential schools for Abe (17.5 yo, PDD, ADHD, NVLD...) and I'd really like it if I could pick aspects on one and combine it with aspects of the second school to make a perfect fit for all of us.  And then there are schools 3 and 4, yet to be seen.

So far, we've gone to see 2 schools, D and P.  Both of which are north-west of where we live and 45 minutes (P) or 1.2 hours (D) away.  So they are NOT close.  We are also going to see another 2, and these are in the opposite direction, 1 to 1.5 hours away (C or M).  Maybe one of these schools will be perfect as is, then again, probably not.

In any event, I feel MUCH more comfortable with this idea  of sending Abe away, as does he.  After actually seeing the schools, I realize that there had been dark thoughts of British boarding schools and penitentary settings running rampant in the back of my brain.  These are nothing like that.

Either of the first 2 schools are acceptable, but, oh, if I could combine them in the magic mixing machine....  Maybe I'll get Willie Wonka involved in the school selection.

Trading Places

There are no minors residing in my house right now.  I don't say children because my husband Thorn acts like a child most of the time, so I typically have 3 kids at home.

Rosie (14, NT) just left for the culminating activity of her Jewish day school experience, the 8th grade class trip to Israel.  She will be there for two and one-half weeks.  How blase these kids are.  They certainly were excited about the trip, but more for the ability to spend time with each other and their Haifa sister school friends, then about the idea of going to a foreign country.

Some of the moms are very worried about possible dangers over there.  I'll certainly worry if I hear that something happened, but until then, I'm just too burnt out from everything that I've been doing to get the proper treatment for her older brother.  Oh yeah, the correct thing to write is that I have faith in the tour organizer, in conjunction with the Israeli government, that the kids won't go anyplace dangerous.  The kids would moan about changes, but their itinerary WILL be changed if there is any hint of danger.

Rosie left early Sunday morning and tomorrow morning Abe (17, ADHD, PDD, miscellaneous other messed up diagnoses) comes home.  Abe spent the last 3.5 weeks in two different psychiatric hospitals.  I saw him this past Saturday and he does seem better.  But it's easy to be "better" when you don't have any pressures on you.

I have definitely lost what little faith I had in the mental health care system because they gladly would have just turfed him out of the hospital and back home with no supports in place, except what we had before- which clearly wasn't working!  I have certainly learned a lot about how to work the system since it seemed that I was the major player in getting him to an appropriate placement. We won't even go into the lack of official work that I accomplished at the office over the past 2 weeks.

It looked to me that they were planning on discharging him without any plan in place for his continued care.  Nor were they very helpful about recommending any followup treatment for Abe. So, I am working with the school system, who are very helpful, to get him into a residential school where his education (high level. but learning disabilities), emotional (low level) and behavioral (problematic) issues can all be addressed in a inter-woven plan.  But that takes time and some expertise in how to get the school system, our health insurance, and the state to split the cost of further treatment. It's all so horribly complex and because Abe isn't yet accepted into any state aid program, it's all fallen on my shoulders to be his social worker and advocate.

BTW, Abe came out of the hospital with yet another additional diagnosis: bipolar.  I hoping that it will allow him access to services which kept turning him down previously.

So Abe is home and will start going to a psychiatric step-down day program without academics while we waits to hear from the residential schools we've applied to.  There is a lot less stress on him since his sister isn't around and there's no schoolwork to be done.  However, there still is the Thorn, and he can be a huge trigger for Abe. Unfortunately, the Thorn is unable to control his own behavior very well, so it's questionable whether or not they can get along until Abe is placed.

I'm taking part in the trading places game, also.  I'm going away for a previously planned, long weekend.  There's work to be done there, but (sigh) what a relief to get away.

I have a day off

Written by Daisy

I have a day off -- and my teen has school.

Let me put this another way.

Amigo, my 16-r-old, doesn't like being left home alone. He is blind and has Asperger's syndrome, and along with those two labels he deals with a fair amount of anxiety. He can handle waiting for someone to arrive home if he gets there first, and he copes by calling our cell phones to make sure we're on the way, but lengthy periods on his own are just not comfortable and safe-feeling yet.

So Friday, tomorrow, I have a day off -- comp day for parent-teacher conferences -- and he, the high schooler in the house, has a full day of school.

I'm not sure what to do with myself. Nap? Shop? Drink coffee? Read a book? Watch TV? I never, ever control the remote. I'm not sure I even know where to find the preview channel.
Maybe I'll go to the library or the bookstore and stock up on pleasure reading material.
On the realistic side of things, I might be revising and proofreading the grant that's due next week. Without Amigo, I have free rein at the computer without reminding him constantly that this is my homework!!

The possibilities are endless. And if my passport arrives later this week ....oh, never mind.
Napping would be just fine.

Labels: disabilities, Family: Never a dull moment

Things to do when the teen is sick

Written by Daisy

*Read his cues.

How are you?

I don't know.

A little better.

Do you want to go to school?

Maybe.

I don't know.

(after breakfast of toast with jelly)

I feel weak and shaky.

Okay, I think you need to stay home.

He slept on the couch from 6:30 until 9:30 AM. He wanted to stay home, but wasn't sure how to say it.

*Make jello.

His stomach is feeling better, now he needs to fill it with safe foods that won't irritate him and set him back to square one.

*Work on schoolwork and other home projects while he sleeps.

He doesn't really need me; he just needs the security of not being home alone.

I wrote a rough draft of a grant application, made jello, and drank half a pot of coffee while he was asleep. Still on my list: correct two stacks of papers, thaw something bland but tasty for supper, brainstorm a few fun blog posts just for fun.

*Watch daytime TV.

Even in summertime, we don't do this together very often.

Today we watched The Price is Right and enjoyed seeing people get excited and jump up and down and win fabulous prizes while we snuggled up on the couch and drank coffee (me) and sprite (Amigo).

*Chop ice on the driveway.

Well, any ice I chop will melt faster.

I only chopped a little because A.) it's not really that warm out, and B.) I don't want to re-injure my wrist or back. A little goes a long way.

*Email his doctor about a related issue.

His acne medication can upset his stomach.

She agreed that he could stop taking it until he's back to full strength because it could cause a relapse.

*Do some online shopping.

JC Penney had some goodies on their Wednesday Sale!

I finally found some Avon items that La Petite wanted, too.

But now Husband doesn't want me to stay home when I'm healthy enough to shop online. I guess he'll have to do Amigo's sick days from now on. Snicker.

Labels: disabilities, Family: Never a dull moment, parenting, teens

Detour on the road

Posted by Ora

Abe is in the middle of a detour on the road to college- and I have no idea what shape this detour will take.  His emotions got so out of control that he had to be admitted to a hospital.  Deciding to do this was one of the saddest things that I had to do.  But I went to visit him over the weekend, and he seems to be much happier now.  And, surprise, surprise, the report is that he is talking in the therapy groups and also to the other kids.

Both sides of the family are highly supportive, although you know who ends up thinking that everything is my fault.  (If I can't remember everything that was told to me about this treatment, and he doesn't think about asking until one of his friends asks him about it!)

I'm waiting for a call back from the doctor, but so far nothing.  I wonder how long this detour will be, even though I know that it's for the best.