Mid-CenturyModernMoms

The gray in my hair is totally earned

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I was 39, in LURVE ... and pregnant.

Who knew I could do that the old-fashioned way? All my kids had been conceived with a little help from my medical friends because -- I assured my fiance at the time -- I had reproductive issues.

Oops.

The truth of the matter is I miscarried that baby at 13 weeks, but it set off alarm bells with my biological clock. Yes, I had three boys, and yes, I was marrying a man with two more, and yes, we had planned no future children, but I now really WANTED a baby.

So I set forth to do it again -- on purpose.

This is how, at age 41, I gave birth to my Roo-girl.

I have written about this before -- that you can do the math and figure out how old I am today (we are called "Mid-Century Modern Moms" for a reason) -- but I don't think I have really looked at it.

How I (now) believe that raising children is a young person's sport.

How I am t.i.r.e.d.

How I look with not a little horror at the idea that I will be almost 60 (SIXTY!!!!!) when my baby graduates from high school.

How, considering the sexual orientations of most of my kids, grandchildren look like they are CENTURIES away.

How I hope I live long enough to dance at my grandchildren's weddings.

This intense look at my mortality comes on the heels of my 57th birthday as my daughter launches into the heart of her high school years.

It also comes after an out-of-town field trip with several of the other cheer moms who have 7-, 8- or 9-year-olds -- all of whom were born when Mom was 41 years old.

As we talked over dinner, they looked at me in horror as they realized that I am their future.

But do I regret having the Roo-girl?

Not for one single second. She brings me so much joy (in addition to the usual teen aggravation) that I could never image what I would have done without her.

But ... would I have had that last selfish baby if I had really truly done the math?

I can't answer that question.

It's a Hanukah Miracle!

One of the things that drives me utterly to despair about my own teenagers is their reluctance to try anything they think they can't accomplish, Or to try anything that might be dirty, interrupt their texting, or in any way disrupt their precious social lives. Sigh.

We have a cantankerous (read cheap) garbage disposal in our kitchen. If you look at the darn thing cross-eyed, it decides it doesn't want to work and gives out the hummmmm from death. I can fix it in less than 5 minutes flat, regardless of what piece of silverware is stuck down there, but my children? Oh my GAWD, they think this is a job worse than gravedigger. You would not believe the caterwauling and excuses for them never fixing the thing.

But since my return from 7 weeks in the hospital, I just don't have the strength right now to fix the disposal, so at the first sign of a clog I ask my son to maybe tear himself away from XBox Live, get the special allen wrench, and get under the sink. Next thing I know, he's gone for the day. I guess cleaning out the disposal isn't worth tonight's Hanukah present, which means two nights in a row he missed getting his only present. Oh well.

But that does not mean that I'm just going to sit and let the disposal fester? Nope, I call in the backup and ask my daughter to do it. The look of horror on her face was priceless. And the excuses? Almost too creative.

"It's disgusting. There's mold under there (there isn't mold, there is detritus that comes from keeping everything including the kitchen sink down there) and I'm not touching it."

I'm not sure when my daughter turned into a princess, but we don't DO that kind of girly behavior in this house. Uh huh.

I tell her where the allen wrench is, and she goes all ballistic on me because it means touching cleaning supplies stored under the sink, and those are "disgusting" and "dirty" and "gross." She goes running up the back stairs, Itouch binging on the way up. I drag her down and hand her the allen wrench, which I have plucked from the cleaning supplies miraculously without blowing up or disintegrating!  Glaring at me, she pulls on surgical gloves (don't even ask) to protect her precious hands from all that grossness. Sticking her hand up under the sink, she goes searching for the hole in which to place the allen wrench,

I suggest looking at what she's doing, which set off another barrage of verbal insults going my way because "I act like I know how to do it".

I pull myself away from the scene and play with the kitten on the stairs. After she hears I am no longer engaging in her complaint fest she gets to work and fixes the disposal in about 2 minutes.

It's a Hanukah Miracle!

I praise her and remind her that she CAN do things like this if she only would calm down and listen to directions,

She's already on the phone and Itouch making plans to leave for the evening. And she's gone in less than 10 minutes.

But the disposal works, which is all I wanted anyhow. Except for a could of triple A batteries so I can fix the remote control!

She Asked MY Advice!!

Stop the presses!!!  A milestone has occurred!!!

Rosie actually asked my advice on a teenage dating issue!!!

Of course, she did it through an email instead of cuddling up and asking me (but I had said that I was going to bed early that night).

Mommy,

I need your help. I like this guy and so does one of my good friends but the guy likes me and asked me out. I haven't responded to him because I don't want to hurt my friend but I like the guy so what do I do?

Rosie

My response was:

Unfortunately, you are going to have this problem many times in your life.

If your girl friend has a complete and total crush on this guy & you would be in danger of losing a friend, then the following advice needs to be re-evaluated.  But in general, sometimes you are the winner and sometime the loser.  In another few months, maybe none of the 3 of you will be able to stand any of the others.  Teenage friendships run hot, but fast.  I like that you are being considerate of your girl friend.

I think that you should go out with the guy, but also you'll need to break it to your friend gently that you are doing so (not gloating) so that she isn't blindsided if someone else tells her about it.

BTW- as mom, I'm very happy that you felt that you could ask my help with this.  I never did with your bubbe because I felt that she was just too out-of-date.

Can you see the grin on my face?  I'm so happy that she felt she could ask for my help!!!

Another brick in the wall

I've written about how inconvenient it can be that my teenagers talk to me.
Tonight Em wanted to talk and sat down and rattled on. I was a little distracted, as I was sending emails at the time, and Em chided me, saying she wanted me to listen properly. So listen I did as Em told me about quirks in her fellow students that Em finds annoying. After listening for 10 minutes or so, I commented that people like those Em was describing are always annoying to be around, and sometimes they remain annoying forever.

Em stopped me, saying she didn't want me to take this the wrong way, but she didn't always want me to comment.
"Oh, I'm just supposed to listen?"
"No, I'm not saying you can't comment!"
"But you'd prefer it if I didn't?"
"Well, yeah."
"So I'm just supposed to listen."
"Eeeergh!  You're not hearing what I'm saying!"   The sound of retreating footsteps as Em huffily went to bed accompanied this statement.

I don't think I can comply with Em's request. I am not going to be a brick wall. Really. I'm not. I reeeeeeaaaaaally try not to say very much when Em talks about her friends and people she finds difficult, but if it's going to be a conversation rather than Em talking at a brick wall, I eventually have to offer a little something.

I'm going to go and find a brick wall now.  I want to have a good long look at it to see what Em finds so appealing. 

Maybe I will be able to direct Em to it next time she wants a 'conversation'. 

Maybe I'll hit my head against it to see if it makes me feel less aggravated and more able to survive the teenage years.

Drivers' Ed

Rosie started Drivers' Education classes this past weekend.  Given other events, I'm rather calm about this.

She has to take 15 sessions of 2 hours each.  Now we have the first 2 out of the way, but the rest of them are going to come in single sessions due to the timing of everything.  Rosie has to be at her Hebrew high school program on Sunday mornings also, so this means that Mom gets out and shleps her to drivers' ed for 2 hours; then back there and moves her over to hebrew school.  She's certainly not going to get picked up there also (as long as we are in the house near the train station).

Anyway, she has the 3 months before she can even think about getting her learner's permit to get these classes done.

But the trauma of the day was that I was rushing and Rosie started talking to me about something from the class and BANG, I backed into a car.  With my brand new car.  And to top it off, guess where?  In the parking lot of the driving school.

I guess it's a good thing that they are requiring the parents to take 2 hours of drivers' ed also.

Goodbye boy child, hello Davey of the jungle.

My Davey's voice has broken over the last few weeks.  It seems to have settled into new, deep tones now, with unexpected squeaks just a funny memory.  Davey's had to shave his top lip for the last 6 months or so - if he was fair haired, this wouldn't be necessary, but a black top lip on an otherwise soft and hair free face was just asking for ridicule!  His clothes have taken to being difficult to clean, because teenage sweat is so much more potent and so much more resistant to leaving shirts once it's embedded, and while I'd hoped I wouldn't be on the receiving end of attitude from Davey until he was 16, I'm on the first edges of it now he's 14.5 and his body clock is moving from childhood to puberty.

When my children were babies, toddlers, then children, I loved every stage and felt I'd like to freeze them at each new and delightful phase.  I do not feel the same way about the teenage attitude years - funny that, huh?  There's simply nothing to recommend it.  My sensitive boy who loves his Mum and is aware of others and their needs is evolving into a young man, and the process isn't easy on anyone - least of all him.

Em's attitude started just before 12, when um, physical development dictated she progress from childhood to the fun of puberty.  Now Em's moving close to 17, she's through the worst of it thank goodness.  I can't say I've enjoyed every moment of the 5 years it's taken to come through the attitude jungle.  There's been highlights, sure, but would I want her frozen in the tangle of angst she's waded through?  NO WAY!  Now, just as there's light through the canopy and sweeter smells in my laundry (girls are no easier than boys in this department!), my little boy is entering the other side.

I'm grateful to have only one teenager in the angst jungle at a time, and I'm grateful my husband insisted we stop at 2 children (especially since he up and died before they reached their teenage years), I'm grateful both Davey & Em have personalities I really like and am proud of, I am grateful I can watch movies with M rating with both teenagers now, but I am NOT grateful the jungle of angst exists and I sure as heck don't want to freeze my teenagers at this age!

I really liked receiving answers that were given in formed words and sentences rather than nuanced grunts, I really liked having my opinion valued and sought, I really liked having my morning hug in the kitchen greeted with a happy grin and a soft child's body which welcomed the embrace and softly leaned into me....ah well.  I best be off now.  I need to gather my inner resources so I have an even chance of surviving another few years of the angst jungle.

Emotional Rollercoaster: Part II: High School Stress

Rosie is 15 1/2 years old.  Am I going to survive these turbulent teenage years?  Here's another example.

As a sophomore in a prestigious high school, Rosie applies a LOT of pressure on herself.  I try very hard not to apply any extra pressure to perform on her, but like mom when she herself was young, Rosie can apply more than enough onto herself.

Let's add into the mix that Rosie has a touch of ADHD and she takes some long-acting stimulant medication every day.

If Rosie were an adult, she might better understand the cures that her body is telling her. (But then again, it's something that needs to carefully learned/taught.) [Can we morph into singing songs from "South Pacific"?]

When Rosie comes home from school she is usually hungry- but mostly for carbohydrates; and not for protein which would be the best thing.  And of course, her lunch was mostly carbs, too.

By the time that Ora gets home from work, Rosie can be in a full-scale melt-down due to the perfect storm of low blood sugar and the run-out of her medication, and the simple fact that teenagers never get enough sleep.

Can you say screaming, irrational, teenager?  "I can't do this" "I'm never going to school again".....

But when mom suggests some food or a small dose of the short-acting medication, the result is usually just more screaming.

But luckily for Mom- and for Rosie- after the protein or the medication (or both) kicks in, Rosie returns to her stable baseline.

Ah, the joys of teenager ups and downs.  Another night, another issue.  But this time, Rosie calmly asked Mom (a chemist by training) for help in Chemistry.  And lo and behold, Rosie actually thought that Mom knew something and said thank you for the help!!
 

Looking Forward to College: Part 1

Happy Birthday to Abe (for Sunday).  He is 19!!!

Abe went to college open house last weekend. 

And he also got a huge scare.

BSC only houses around 50% of its students, the rest mostly being commuters with a few living just off-campus.  But Abe wouldn't go here unless he got housing.  But it was stated at the open house (and true for all Massachusetts state schools) that if an applicant is accepted Early Action, s/he has a much greater chance of getting housing than those students that wait for general decision.

The deadline for getting the application in for Early Action is...... TODAY!!!!

Luckily, the application is on-line and they allow all of the supplementary documents to come in after the deadline (like the HS transcript and the SAT scores).

So rush, rush, rush.  Abe has written an essay- for the common college application (which BSC does not take) but it's at school and not at home, so there were arrangements to be made to get it emailed to mom and then Mom to press the send button. (done)

Eeek.  But then I get into a funk, can Abe actually handle college?  Sometimes I think yes, and sometimes I think no.  Time will tell.

To be continued.....

Emotional Rollercoaster: Part 1- House Hunting

Rosie is 15 1/2 years old.  Am I going to survive these turbulent teenage years?  I'll tell you about a few examples- but don't worry.  I'll break up these stories.

This one is more based on a basic fear of change.  I've told you that we are planning on selling hte family homestead and buying something more manageable.  But this move was scheduled to be months away from now.

But it's SO much fun to browsw the web for houses and condos and it's SO much fun to actually go looking at some of these possibilities.

Last Saturday, Rosie and I went to look at one of these possibilities.  And everyone had fun talking about if this place would work and how.  But it was easy- because the showing realto had just gotten an offer- so this place wasn't seriously being considered.

The next day, Ora goes to few open houses (without Rosie) and it was a TOTALLY different story.  One place was- absolutely, no way a possibility.

But then there was this other place.... (call it 2HPP)

 This condo has some definite possibilties, but Rosie (and Abe) hadn't seen this place.

I showed Rosie the floor plan and she was all excited.  But then she realized the location and threw a fit because none of her friends lived close by.

But then she was excited since heat is included in the condo fee and she'd be able to keep her room warmer.

But then she was upset that she'd have to ride a certain bus to school.  She hates that bus route- for no good reason, IMHO.

But then she was excited about being close to the malls.  And that there is a pool!!!

But then she was upset because it's a longer walk to the subway.

In reality, this emotional rollercoaster was totally appropriate. 

OMG, mom is serious that we are going to be moving!!!!

Ora will take Rosie's and Abe's opinions into account, but mom has the final decision making authority!

OTPH, 2HPP is not a slam dunk, gotta have it place.  (A big drawback is that you have to use coin operated washers and driers in the basement- and aren't allowed to put a W/D into the unit)  So the search continues but also more information is being garnered about 2HPP.  And when Zeyde comes up in 2 weeks, he gets to add his opinions into the pot.

To be continued....

Blokey Sensibilities

My Davey's a lovely kid. He's aware of other people's needs, he's caring and considerate. He's funny, observant and switched on - even when he doesn't appear to be.

He's also as lazy as I'll allow him to be with household chores. Sometimes that's pretty lazy because time constraints and being too lazy to nag remind him, or think of consequences, I just do the chore and get on with life. (I'm sure you're all familiar with the equation: 20 minutes of nagging timely reminders versus 2 minutes, or less, to do the job yourself.) I also know that's not a good pattern, long term. One of Em's 17 year old school friends is a much loved and longed for only child to older parents. His Mum still packs his school bag for him every morning. Books, pencil case, lunch, extra money. Everything. If something's not in his bag that he needs, it's not his fault. That's not healthy at 17. It's made me realise that some of the things I do for Davey are not healthy at 14. (For the record, I haven't packed his school bag since, well, ever!)

I asked Davey to help vacuum the lounge room a few weeks ago and he kept avoiding it. Eventually he told me he'd rather do an outside job, not something so.... He didn't finish the sentence, but I heard what he was saying. He wanted a blokey job. He's beginning to feel that he wants to be treated as a young man. Now in this household that won't preclude vacuuming altogether (his Dad always vacuumed more than I did!), but if he wants to do some blokier jobs, that could be arranged. He was immediately given the job of washing the car (we have a station wagon and live on the side of a hill with an awkward driveway, so it's not an easy task), and he was satisfied. It also took him a lot longer to wash the car than it did for me to vacuum, so it was a good deal in my book.

The next thing I did was to ask my friend who was sort of regularly mowing our lawn to stop doing so. I felt this was a job Davey needed to have responsibility for. I know he'll hate it at times, and I'll hate having to nag remind him, but it will give him a sense of ownership of our yard and blokey feelings of satisfaction. Mind you, he'll feel a lot more satisfaction when he doesn't have to have Mum start the mower for him!

Often when I tell Davey I did a job for him because it needed to be done immediately and he wasn't around for one reason or another, he's cheekily responded with "I win!". This time I think it's me that's winning. I no longer have to wonder if I need to allow for lawn mowing in my weekend, as my friend may or may not turn up to mow the lawn during the week, because my friend won't be turning up. Davey will be doing it and building up his blokey sensibilities.

I win.  And Davey wins too - it probably just won't feel like it to him.