Mid-CenturyModernMoms

A total bust

Crossposted at What Was I THINKING?

Today's IEP meeting for the Girl was one of the most frustrating moments of my life. The school...well, they certainly made it clear that they have nothing to offer her. They want her to go to the other high school. She is refusing. We're at a total impasse. She won't even go to visit the program they're recommending. She feels like the high school is rejecting her and refusing her desire to come back to school. They feel that she needs supports they can't (or won't) offer.

I'm so upset. She's angry and stubborn and won't even consider alternatives.

They're angry and stubborn and won't even consider alternatives.

I can't make anyone move towards a compromise.

I honestly don't know what to do. She really has good points. She doesn't want to change schools. She wants to stay where she's emotionally happy. She knows plenty of kids at the other high school, but she also knows that the drug problem is much more severe there, and that the kids she knows in the other program will only lead her into more trouble. She's cognizent of the social issues but she's also so freaking stubborn that she just will not even make an effort. Not even to go visit the program. She's stated that if she's forced to go into this program she will drop out of school, and since she'll be 16, it's going to be hard to stop her.

She's totally blown math for this semester, but after meeting her math teacher, I now get why. He's an arrogant SOB who really had nothing pleasant to say about her. I mean nothing. After the meeting I sat down with her and she reveals to me why her math teacher was complaining about her. He said that she's the smartest person in the class and has the ability to do good work in a Curriculum 1 class. Well no shit, Sherlock. She WAS in a Curriculum 1 math class and the school, in it's infinite wisdom, changed her schedule and the only math class available that period was one about 5 levels below what she was in before she went to the hospital. Aarrrghhh.

Plus, she has complained ever since she got back to school about this teacher. Some of her issues: he sits at his desk and talks about his camping and hiking instead of teaching math. He doesn't wear shoes or socks in class and puts his feet up on the desk (she has an issue with feet and is totally grossed out by this). He allows kids to wear Ipods in class. He doesn't care if kids are late or leave early. He has totally checked out of teaching because he only teaches the burnout kids in the special programs. While I get his burnout status, having taught some of those kids myself, I'm sorry, but he has no right to not even TRY to teach, and then to sit at the meeting and make it sound like she's totally at fault that she isn't doing anything.

After the meeting, I got a phone call from her support person, and she confirmed what the Girl said about the math teacher. I mean, she went as far as telling me to talk to the head of the math department to express my concerns. So I know that what the Girl said is at least accurate. And I will be calling the math head.

Her biology teacher, OTOH, recommended that she go into Curriculum 1 chemistry next year, and said she was doing well. So did her tutor who is helping her in English. But it didn't matter. The school had NO alternative plan. It was go to this program, in which they have already made space for her, or tough noogies. Soooo unacceptable.

She's so upset. She doesn't understand why the school is 'kicking her out.' She feels that it's all her fault and she just won't acknowledge that they are also to blame. She doesn't get that adults can be so uncooperative. I'm not that way ever with her, and she expects other people to listen to her and work with her the way I do. Fat Chance! It's a very hard lesson to learn, and she's resisting learning it on all fronts.

She's just been so disappointed lately. Her therapist is irresponsible and misses about half her appointments. Her tutor came 3 times in 3 weeks due to other commitments. People let her down all the time and she feels like they are rejecting her when they're just acting like asshats.

I feel so sorry for her. I'm so angry and so upset and so horribly sad. It is ridiculous that we're in this place.

Next step, reporting school to the state for non-compliance.

Oh, and I have GOT to tell you this one. Because it just about made my head explode. The reason I have refused to sign the IEP all year is that her latest IEP didn't include her diagnosis of NVLD. It was like she was cured or something. So today I bring the private psychologist's report showing her obvious NVLD diagnosis as Axis II. The school psychologist says that the new WISC doesn't test for many of the NVLD subtests. So, voila. If you don't test for it, it no longer exists. Um, I think not. I did not let them get away with that one. The schmucks.

Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards - Musings

As a first time mother, you don't know any  better.  The second time 'round, you're just too tired to care.

I hope that you had a happy Mother's Day!!!

Our dreams (plans) for our children change over the years.  A parent can keep those dreams until you get hit in the face that they must be modified.

Looking back, I can see that some of my hopes for Abe (17.5 yo, PDD, ADHD, NVLD, etc) were too expansive.  When he was born, I hoped for a wonderful kid who was going to have a wonderful life.  He's a wonderful kid (when he wants to be) who has had a hard life in terms of figuring out how to deal with his disabilities.  I still hope that when he's older, he'll think that he had a good childhood.

When Abe first started at an out-of-district, special education  placement school in the middle of 4th grade, I had dreams that he would be back in the mainstream during the high school years.  When Abe went to a high school SPED placement, I had dreams that he was going to graduate "on time" and go onto a regular college.

Now my dreams look somewhat different.  I want him to repeat 11th grade so that he can have more time in the therapeutic environment of the residential school that he's starting at the end of June.  I still dream of him going off to college and living an independent life, but I know that he is years away from that.  Abe's going to get there, but it's going to take him longer than other kids.  But I have faith that he's gonna get there (ya gotta have faith, baby).

My dreams for Rosie (14 yo, NT, ADHD) were never different than mine for her brother.  Be a good person, be of good intelligence, learn at nice schools and have a wonderful life.  I never dreamed that I would expose my children to the harshness of both parents having cancer or to domestic discord; but that's some of my legacy to them.

A mother always has hopes and dreams for her children.  Those wishes have changed over time as to specifics, but the basics of wanting the best for your kids always stays.

One from Column A, one from Column B...

Off we go into the wild blue yonder.....  Oops, wrong song, but the right thought.  However, I do feel that I'm entering a brave new world.  We've been looking at some residential schools for Abe (17.5 yo, PDD, ADHD, NVLD...) and I'd really like it if I could pick aspects on one and combine it with aspects of the second school to make a perfect fit for all of us.  And then there are schools 3 and 4, yet to be seen.

So far, we've gone to see 2 schools, D and P.  Both of which are north-west of where we live and 45 minutes (P) or 1.2 hours (D) away.  So they are NOT close.  We are also going to see another 2, and these are in the opposite direction, 1 to 1.5 hours away (C or M).  Maybe one of these schools will be perfect as is, then again, probably not.

In any event, I feel MUCH more comfortable with this idea  of sending Abe away, as does he.  After actually seeing the schools, I realize that there had been dark thoughts of British boarding schools and penitentary settings running rampant in the back of my brain.  These are nothing like that.

Either of the first 2 schools are acceptable, but, oh, if I could combine them in the magic mixing machine....  Maybe I'll get Willie Wonka involved in the school selection.