Mid-CenturyModernMoms

I'd Walk Away From This Deal or Why I Won't Deal with the Mass. RMV

------An extra post not really about teenagers, but about other tribulations of a mid-century modern mom.

Ora just bought herself a new toy car.  It's a 2010 Toyota Prius.

Rosie adores it and is looking forward six years to college graduation when she can potentially call this car her own.

The car was ordered before ora took off on her Spanish adventure.  And then she waited.

Last week, Ora was home sick with (the flu??) and she finally (only about a month) got the call that her car was here, and when was she going to bring into the dealer the check and the title for the Suburu.  Because this was a cash deal, but some of it involved trading in deceased hubbie's manual transmission station wagon- which Ora does not like to drive (but can), but also that Abe can't drive at all.  Why keep this as a second car under these circumstances?

Ora couldn't just run over to the Toyota dealer because the check had to be certified from the bank (and not a personal check).  But Ora's bank is near work, and she is sick- and not going near work for several more days.  But this wasn't a (serious) problem since there was another branch not too far away.  Okay.

And the title for the Suburu was in the fire-safe box at home (instead of in the safe deposit box at yet another bank).

So Ora is at the dealer the next day and handing over the check and the car title.

BUT...... (and there's always a but)

When the Suburu was re-titled several months before into Ora's name alone (from joint ownership with deceased hubbie), this had been a problem experience with the (shudder) Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles (the RMV).

And by the time that the new title was written, Ora had mistakenly said that the mileage on the Suburu was higher than the real reading on the odometer.

So when it came time to hand in this title and trade in the car, the title STILL had a higher mileade than the odometer.

 

Oops!

The dealer says (to Ora) that you need to go to the RMV and get s new title on this trade-in.

NO WAY!!!

Ora says that she will walk away from buying her new toy car if she has to deal with the Massachusetts RMV.

And the dealer just looked at Ora like she was a crazy lady, even though she offered to write an affadavit saying that she made a mistake with the title mileage.

But Ora is sick- and even if she weren't, dealing with the RMV is enough to make anyone sick.  And it would require at least three visits (because it always does)- or more, and a lot of wasted time to resolve the issue.

[Keep repeating: Ora will NOT drive herself nuts in dealing with the RMV!]

And lo and behold, if Ora signed some magic document form, this could be dealt with (by the dealer) without Ora having to personally deal with the RMV (shudder).
 
The dealer threatened an additional charge for this service, but that didn't get passed along.  There was already a fee (or two) on the new car for the dealer to deal with the RMV.

The end of the story is that Ora has her brand new car and she held her ground and didn't have to personally deal with the dreaded Massachusetts RMV.  the RMV is enough to make you sick all over again!

Leaving Them Behind

Right now, Ora is off on a grand adventure.  Okay, it's with her father, but it's still a big adventure.  And Abe and Rosie are not along for the ride!!

Ora is in Spain, specifically Barcelona and Alicante (the beach). 

 Zeyde asked if I wanted to accompany him to Spain several months ago and I first said no, how could I leave Rosie for so long during a school week?  But Rosie said- hey mom, you should go.  I'll stay with this friend and then that friend....

So I agreed to go (twist my arm really hard).  Rosie is off on a mini-adventure because she gets to stay with our cousins and their little boy, Tree.  Tree is 3 years old and loves Rosie.  And Rosie is one of the few people that Tree's mom lets to help take care of him!

Abe is going to stay at his school.  This means that he won't come home for about a month, since he was just home so much for the jewish holidays.  He's a little upset about that, but he's all for mom's grand adventure too!

But right before I left, Rosie said to me.  Mom, don't go on too many of these long trips while I'm in school anymore. (Read that, don't leave me home/at friends/releatives while you are off having fun; but also it's a pain to pack up and move and take all of my school books with me).  But she agreed that I could go away for a week (without her) once a year.

But I certainly need to leave Rosie with lots of hugs- and I look forward to getting them when I get home!
 

Reflections on the Holy Days

As I was sitting in shule (synagogue) over the past several weeks, sometimes even with my kids sitting next to me, I grew pensive.

Some of the time, Abe was sitting with me.  At least physically.  He had his science fiction book(s) and was steadily reading (as he does almost all of the time).  At least now he wasn't so hyper-focused that he remained seated when the rest of the congregation was standing. 

So I stand there, hoping that the osmosis view of religion really works.  You know the one, it's especially applied on Long Island, and in Israel, too.  It's the one that says, "I don't have to work at being jewish because everyone around me is".

There are a few prayers during the services which everyone knows and sings together.  Generally, these are transliterated from the Hebrew in the prayer book.  I made sure that Abe was saying them along with everyone else.

I really wish that he would have read from the prayer book.  I often sit and look at the readings that we aren't reading during the service, the translations and some of the other commentary.

But I did get him (no problems there) to come to services and sit inside for much of it.  Or to attend the teen service and take part in the discussion (much to Rosie's amazement).  So I have to feel grateful that religion means something to him, even if his observance of it is different than the standard.

Now Rosie is a different kids altogether.  She spent her time in the teen services- and then hanging out with those teens.  But during the final services of the Holy Days, there aren't any teen services, and she dutifully sat with me.

I don't like sitting alone.  It feels like I've been abandoned.  I've already spent too many years sitting alone.  Rosie sat with me at many times, sometimes with her friends and sometimes by herself.  Religion for her means much the same (I believe) as it does to me.

And of course, it warms a mother's heart to hear so many people saying how grown-up and handsome/pretty the kids look!

Total Tourists

We just got back from the most fantastic vacation trip to San Diego!!  It was me (Ora), the kids (Abe and Rosie) and my Dad (Zeyde).  I had planned this trip last year before Jim died and we decided to still go.  (Dad was already included)

We were the proto-typical tourists in shorts, hats and carrying guidebooks and cameras.  And we had a ball!!

 

 We went to Seaworld (twice)

 The first time, on the first day, we started in the morning and went until dinner time

And then we came back another day to see the shows in the evening

to the Wild Animal Park (morning to noon and then at dusk)

The heat was horrible!!!  We were all dying- and refilling the water bottles all of the time, so we left around 1 pm and then came back at 6 pm.  The animals were a lot more awake then.

to the San Diego Zoo (a little disappointing after the Wild Animal Park)- but the monkeys were Rosie's favorites

While Abe's favorites were the elephants

And everyone loves the Pandas!!!

to the Old Town- the original site of San Diego, to the aircraft carrier the USS Midway (Abe and I both could've spent a LOT more time there) and to the Marine Recruit Depot Museum

to Coronado Island (boring), and to the beach (yes, we all got sunburned there).

And best of all, there was very little sniping or grumbling.  No one was yelling at anyone else (except to get Abe moving in the mornings) and we ALL had a really good time.

San Diego is a lovely place to visit and even though we were very busy seeing things, we didn't see even half of everything. I even came back relaxed and Zeyde thanked me for inviting him along.  I would love to go back.

Avoid the accident - give it one more day.

As a teenager I seriously contemplated suicide.  Life seemed too difficult to navigate.  I felt I contributed nothing of value to anyone else's life.  By 18 I was sure I had missed my opportunities to amount to anything and I felt embarrassed by that.  I felt unloved and unloveable.

I procured the means to carry out my demise and each morning lay in bed contemplating whether I'd get up and go to work or find peace. I did this for months and somehow found a reason to give life one more day, to see if things would improve.

My parents had no idea I was depressed - they lived 600 miles away, though that made little difference really, as they didn't have a close relationship with any of their 4 children. I actually thought I'd be saving face for them too as my mother had hoped I'd become a doctor and was embarrassed I'd dropped out of school and was working in a clerical job.  (I'd left home at 16 to escape my parents' dysfunctionality, a decision I still think was the right one 32 years later.)

I don't know what made my depression lift, but it did.  I did seek counselling which was marginally successful, but which led me to reading numerous self help and psychology books.  These books helped me unravel some of the puzzle of my family and helped me to see a path that was bright in its own right, without it being the path my parents wanted me to travel.  These books also helped me to accept myself as the unique, and perhaps eccentric, person I am - though it's a continuing work!

When Em's friend Niel ended his life in mid June, I remembered my own dark times.  I wonder often how his closest friends are coping now.  To be honest I think now is a danger time for them as they cope with feelings of inadequacy and struggle with their grief, while the rest of the world moves on with little thought of Niel.  I wish I could tell each of their parents to be emotionally close to their child;  to be open to hearing their thoughts without judgement or censure; to tell their teen with words and deeds that they have immense value to them JUST AS THEY ARE; that they are loved JUST AS THEY ARE.

Of course this will not guarantee that their teen will not attempt suicide.  Nothing can give us that guarantee. And goodness, don't we all know that we are not the only, or even the biggest, influence in our teens lives!  I know most of Niel's friends are receiving counselling, and I know it's good counselling.  Most, but not all.  The girl he was speaking to on the phone when he took his own life is not receiving counselling.  This girl needs it most of all, as many - including Niel's parents - have told her she should have done more to prevent Niel's death.

There's the rub with teen suicide.  There's always finger pointing.  There's always blame.  I guess that's the same if a teen dies in a car accident too, yet I argue that suicide is also an accident.  An accident of thought.  Sometimes it's the result of one impetuous decision on the highway of life.  Other times it can be as though a 20 mile highway pile up of negative thinking and icidents crashes into the teen's thoughts and tragedy ensues.  It's still an accident.  An accident of thought.

Just as we teach our children to drive, equipping them with skills to drive on the road, we also have the task of teaching our children to live, equipping them with life skills.  I advocate taking our teaching tasks seriously, but I also advocate for no finger pointing and blame laying when accidents happen.

As I was writing this post, I received an email from Margalit which contained the horrific news of her son's suicide attempt.  I wondered if I should still make this post, and decided I should, because it merely demonstrates that accidents can happen to any one of us.

Davey & I watched a well thought out talk on suicide - though we didn't realise that's what it was going to be about when we started watching.  I recommend it and so does Davey, here's a link: Max Barry on Risk.

Where's Ringo?

 Abe finally started working at his engineering internship.

Yes, it was supposed to start at the beginning of the summer, but hey, lawyers happen.  But the wording on the forms was all worked out and I signed it and Abe started working there several weeks ago.

Here's a conversation we had about it.

Mom: Who's your boss?

Abe: David.

Mom:  Is there anyone else working in the lab with you?

Abe: Yes, John and Paul

Mom: So where's Ringo?

Abe: (laughs)

Now the reason that this conversation is so amazing to me is that Abe NEVER knows the names of the kids that he goes to school with; he's just not that tuned into them to remember their names.  This is part of his neurological condition.  And he is even giving up several days of computer game time at home to return to school- while classes are NOT in session- in order to go to work at this internship.

I told Rosie about that on the drive home from camp last week and her response was to question whether we were talking about the same kid!

It's so nice to have a success- and I know that he loves it.  He even can explain what he's working on (but then, I know the products and have used them myself).

The end of camp

I picked up Rosie at camp this morning. She greeted me with a hug with tears running down her face and saying "no, go away". Obviously, the child did not want to leave camp. She is always like this, though, so I was prepared for it.

 

And she's already living for going back next summer- for her last summer.  Every year, she wants to be one of the last ones to get picked up so that she can say goodbye to everyone, but she told me that next year she wanted to be one of the first to go.  Why?  Because she thinks that it's going to be too hard to say goodbye to everyone who she has spent the last 9 years with.

I don't remember being quite this nuts about camp.  But it's good to know that the parents are getting their money's worth!  I never expected to be still sending her to one camp for so long, either.  I offered her several other options for next summer, but she insisted on already signing up for next summer.  (And since her grandfather was willing to pay for it, that took away my big trump.)

I think that she had a real boyfriend this summer.  When I asked, the response wasn't NO, it was GO away MOM! (with more tears)

I had the smaller car today. We did get everything in, but it was a good thing that we didn't have one other person with us, since the trunk and the whole back seat were full.

As soon as she got home, Rosie needed to get onto Facebook and talk to her friends. But there was a computer glitch, which I solved but... delay...

I'm going to try to get some sleep and food into her since she didn't sleep last night and didn't eat any lunch. Or I'm going to end up with a whiny one.

But it's good to have her home. (The laundry is churning away!)

OPK- or Remembering that things could always be worse

Abe and I went down to Providence overnight and stayed with one of my second cousins.  She has a lovely, historic house (with a pool), a nice job, a nice husband and 2 teenage boys.  The younger of the boys is one day older than Rosie (15.5 yo) and the other is 10 month older than him.  But, oy, I wouldn't exchange my world for hers.

Neither of the boys listen at all to their mom and barely at all to their dad.  I know, a lot of that is just normal teenage stuff, but this household is rampantly out of control!

The older son is PDD, just like Abe- but also very different.  Max is a lot more social than Abe was at 16, but then again, he's already been in a residential program for several years. (Unlike Abe who just has done 1 year.)  Max is an electrical genius and he's working for an electrician this summer, but since there was no work this week, he has completely turned his schedule around- sleeping a lot during the day and prowling around at night.

The younger son, Alec hates his brother and won't even accept a hand-me-down pair of shorts from him!  This kid has anxiety attacks and just wants to stay inside all summer.

But both boys were totally normal in that I was able to get them to do things that they never would have done for their own parents.  I got Max out of bed on Sunday morning (at least long enough to have a little conversation with me and then come down to get a cup of milk).  He even went out walking with Abe, me and my cousin the night before.  I didn't give him an option, you see.  I just told him to get his jacket and come with us.  Probably the peer pressure of Abe coming along had a lot to do with that, actually.

I got Alec to sit at the table with all of us eating dinner (well, he ate something else, but he sat).  And I got him to select clothes for a trip that he was taking the next morning.

Meanwhile, Abe is behaving great and taking part in conversations (with the adults) but also playing video games with the boys.  My cousin was so encouraged for her boys to see mine doing so well.  So just remember, when you see someone with a life that you envy, you probably don't know the real story.

(p.s.- Abe finally started his internship, and he loves it!!!  he even knows the name of his lab-mates!)

She Lost Out?

Poor Rosie.  She's at sleep-away camp for the whole summer.  They had swine flu in her bunk first session, but she managed to avoid that. (Last summer they had lice in the bunk and she picked that right up!) 

Now it's the beginning of second session and there were 5 new people in the bunk.  So we were worried about swine flu all over again.  But no, she's fine from that again.

But.....

One weekend her throat is feeling scratchy and sore.  This isn't an uncommon occurence in kids who talk and sing and yell all day.  But it kept up, so on Monday she went to the infirmary and the rapid strep test was positive.

And the next day was the camp trip to the local huge amusement park!!!  Oy vey.

              

 

But the camp doctor who called me said that she could go since she'd be an antibiotics for almost 24 hours, unless of course she had a fever.  Since she didn't have a fever at the start, I worked on the assumption that Rosie had gone with everyone in my emails and letters to her.  Until....

.......I got this letter from her.

"Sorry I haven't written in a while.  As you know I was in the marp (slang for infirmary)

I was supposed to stay for 24 hrs & still go to Six Flags but I couldn't.

I had a "temperature" of 99.2F so I couldn't go.  It sucked.

No one was there execpt for 2 swine kids, 1 guy non-swine and 3 other girls.

So I watched movies all day and it was a great day."

I really liked the part about the swine guy.

I thought that she'd more upset about missing the amusement park, but what do I know?

The Bike Rides

Abe went out for a ride on his new bike this weekend- actually, he went out for 2 very LONGGGG rides.

 

In order for Abe to have a chance at all at becoming an Eagle Scout in the Boy Scouts, he needed to be made a Star Scout at the June Court of Honor.  He just needed to finish up his biking merit badge with a 35 mile+ bike ride.  His troupmasters decided that he could finish up the ride over the summer and that they would raise him up at the June court.  So they did.

 

We picked up Abe's new bike a few weeks ago, but he didn't ride it as soon as we got it.  Then this was the next time that he was home.  Larry, a family friend, was going to do the long ride with Abe but told him that he had to do a ride on Saturday to get used to the bike.

 

So to give Abe a goal, I checked and it is about 10 miles to Framingham going out on Rt. 30.  Rt. 30 has the advantage of being fairly level and mostly low speed.  And Framingham means either Barnes and Noble at Shopper's World or GameStop, just across the street!

 

Barnes and Noble is was!  Abe set off to buy yet another Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) book.  I gave him my cell phone for emergencies, but also told him to call when he got there (so I wouldn't have to worry).

 

But, no call..... at least until he was ready to begin the return trip home. 

He had no problems with the ride (that he told me about) and got right into the shower to clean up!

 

Sunday, riding with Larry was more of the same.  But they went all over and up and down hills and it really wore Abe out.  He did the last 8-10 miles home on willpower, I guess, since he was totally  pooped.  No major problems, but he did  manage to run into Larry at a red light once because his attention was shot.

 

But hey, all that exercise!!!! Wow!