Mid-CenturyModernMoms

A Useful Kid to have around

Margalit is still being  held hostage by the big Boston hospital that she checked into last week to undergo a simple procedure.  Margalit should know that NOTHING is simple regarding her body, but especially that, if she drives herself to the hospital- she will ALWAYS be there MUCH longer than expected.  This has happened often enough to be a tried and true rule.

But she is still checking up on The Boy and The Girl, along with a host of other adults.

But in Ora's world, a disaster happened.  The TV decided to stop working.  But not so completely that you know that the TV died, no this is more complicated.  Part of the input via the cable (FIOS) works, (you can see the channel guide) but you can't watch anything on TV or worse, anything that was stored on the DVR!!!  

The TV showed something like this, but with different colors!!

So Margalit's Boy is a cabling guru.  He came over to take a look at the 2 loose cables hanging out and see if anything could be done.

But alas, nothing is easy in Ora's world and the Boy couldn't figure it out- not even after looking at the manual!!!  (And the other TV in the house, also on FIOS and DVR, works just fine!)

So we know that it's NOT the main router coming into the house.

So we descended into the dread world of Verizon customer support.

But once we actually got to a real-live (as opposed to computer response) person, things got better.  The Boy and the voice talked cable this and HDMI that and coax and....... And understood each other.  And made Ora's TV all better.

It turns out that Ora's cable box wanted a little vacation, just like Ora had last week and it needed to have its cables pulled and reset and whatever.

So all's well that ends well.  The Boy got a few bucks for 1/2 hours work, Ora got a working TV and the Boy is signed up as the resident TV geek- and everyone is happy (even Margalit from her hostage hospital bed).

Where's Ringo?

 Abe finally started working at his engineering internship.

Yes, it was supposed to start at the beginning of the summer, but hey, lawyers happen.  But the wording on the forms was all worked out and I signed it and Abe started working there several weeks ago.

Here's a conversation we had about it.

Mom: Who's your boss?

Abe: David.

Mom:  Is there anyone else working in the lab with you?

Abe: Yes, John and Paul

Mom: So where's Ringo?

Abe: (laughs)

Now the reason that this conversation is so amazing to me is that Abe NEVER knows the names of the kids that he goes to school with; he's just not that tuned into them to remember their names.  This is part of his neurological condition.  And he is even giving up several days of computer game time at home to return to school- while classes are NOT in session- in order to go to work at this internship.

I told Rosie about that on the drive home from camp last week and her response was to question whether we were talking about the same kid!

It's so nice to have a success- and I know that he loves it.  He even can explain what he's working on (but then, I know the products and have used them myself).

OPK- or Remembering that things could always be worse

Abe and I went down to Providence overnight and stayed with one of my second cousins.  She has a lovely, historic house (with a pool), a nice job, a nice husband and 2 teenage boys.  The younger of the boys is one day older than Rosie (15.5 yo) and the other is 10 month older than him.  But, oy, I wouldn't exchange my world for hers.

Neither of the boys listen at all to their mom and barely at all to their dad.  I know, a lot of that is just normal teenage stuff, but this household is rampantly out of control!

The older son is PDD, just like Abe- but also very different.  Max is a lot more social than Abe was at 16, but then again, he's already been in a residential program for several years. (Unlike Abe who just has done 1 year.)  Max is an electrical genius and he's working for an electrician this summer, but since there was no work this week, he has completely turned his schedule around- sleeping a lot during the day and prowling around at night.

The younger son, Alec hates his brother and won't even accept a hand-me-down pair of shorts from him!  This kid has anxiety attacks and just wants to stay inside all summer.

But both boys were totally normal in that I was able to get them to do things that they never would have done for their own parents.  I got Max out of bed on Sunday morning (at least long enough to have a little conversation with me and then come down to get a cup of milk).  He even went out walking with Abe, me and my cousin the night before.  I didn't give him an option, you see.  I just told him to get his jacket and come with us.  Probably the peer pressure of Abe coming along had a lot to do with that, actually.

I got Alec to sit at the table with all of us eating dinner (well, he ate something else, but he sat).  And I got him to select clothes for a trip that he was taking the next morning.

Meanwhile, Abe is behaving great and taking part in conversations (with the adults) but also playing video games with the boys.  My cousin was so encouraged for her boys to see mine doing so well.  So just remember, when you see someone with a life that you envy, you probably don't know the real story.

(p.s.- Abe finally started his internship, and he loves it!!!  he even knows the name of his lab-mates!)

Slave Labor

Abe is going to be a slave this summer.

Slaves cannot leave an employer or a territory without explicit permission.  This is a true statement that applies to this summer.

Forced labor is defined as "all work or service which is extracted from any person under the menace of any penalty and for which the said person has not offered himself voluntarily".  But this one ISN'T totally true because there was no menace of penalty, even though it certainly wasn't his idea- but he is game for it.

So what am I talking about???

Abe is going to be an unpaid intern at Brookfield Engineering.  This company is in the same town as his boarding school, and his therapist was working hard with this company in order to get them to offer internships to one or two students.  Brookfield normally only gives internships to college students, so this is really going out on a limb for them.  The fact that both of these boys are already 18 allowed their human resources department to okay it.

And the fact that mom uses Brookfield equipment in her lab at work doesn't hurt things either!  The therapist heavily dropped that fact while he was working at convincing the company.

It turns out that Brookfield already has some ties (in some unspecified way) to other people with Aspergers, so the fact of these kids' diagnosis actually didn't hurt the process!

So it's not definite yet.  But Abe may work 20 hours each week there.  The company usually pays its interns, so they are having some trouble working out that these kids CAN'T get paid.  It certainly is payment enough that they are learning to hold down a job, as well as a brownie point for their resumes.  But they may also get some payment in gift cards.  Abe would vote for one from Barnes & Noble.

One thing that Abe is going to have to get used to is dressing nicely- it's all business casual.  So I need to go get him some khakis or Dockers, some shoes that aren't sneakers (that is going to be hard on him) and some more polo shirts.  And he's going to have to make sure that the clothes aren't totally wrinkled.

Oh, mom is just kvelling over the idea.

Flashback to her future

Sarah, my eldest, is visiting this week. Her boyfriend, a very smart young man, researched and wrote a paper in cahoots with a senior advisor. The advisor is kindly letting this lowly undergrad present it at an academic conference being held at a local university. ("Cahoots?" I know, I know. The proper term escapes me at the moment.)

You may recall me obsessing about mentioning that Sarah is a Registered Massage Therapist. I am sooo happy to have her brand-new skillset in the family, and I guess the neighbours have gathered this from my constant gloating occasional mentions, because they'd started to drop heavy hints about availing themselves of her professional services.

I offer to set up appointments. Sarah and the neighbours are delighted. Sarah will get to make some money while on holiday, the neighbours will get their creaks and groans seen to. Certain neighbours who ran a half-marathon last week were particularly eager. Within 48 hours of my announcement, I've scheduled half a dozen appointments for her over the three days of her visit, as much as Sarah wants on what is supposed to be time off.

She arrives, portable massage table in hand. Not only are the neighbours getting their aches soothed, they're getting them soothed in the privacy of their own homes.

And as I watched her get ready for her appointments, gathering her medical info forms, her receipts, her linens and bottles, I get an emotional flashback. Watching her, I have an upwelling of feeling, that's new and yet strangely familiar. I realize that I am feeling that same rush of loving indulgence a parent feels watching their infant roll over, hearing those first words, watching their toddler put on their shoes for the first time... Look what my baby can DO!!!

It was the receipts that did me in. Inside my head, I was gushing, just like I did twenty years ago when I came across her four-year-old self singing her baby brother to sleep. "Oh, look at her! She has her very own receipts!! Isn't that just so cuuute?"

Except she's not a toddler. And I make the mental shift. My baby is a young woman. A young woman with a profession. A young woman making her own way in the world.

Look what my baby can DO!!!

Unexpected fear

OK. Here's a worry I didn't expect to have.

Em is in her final 2 years of school.  In NSW the students sit for the Higher School Certificate at the end of Year 12 (for Em these exams will be in October 2010). Universities use the results of these exams to calculate a Universities Admissions Index (UAI), and determine the student's eligibility to enter particular courses. The highest possible UAI is 100, and each year I'm amazed that out of the 40,000 or so students who sit the exams, a couple actually attain a perfect score.

In choosing her subjects for her final 2 years of school Em had some dilemmas as she had no idea what she wanted to pursue as a career. All she knew was that she didn't want to be a teacher, a doctor, a nurse or a vet. Other than that...well, all options were open. Though corporate lawyer was out too, thanks to the ugly example of one of my brothers. Anyway, her theory was she'd just study really hard and keep all options open.

Last Sunday we had lunch with friends who are lecturers at our local uni. During conversation with Yun and Suh who are of Chinese origin, Yun told Em that in Confucian culture to have intellect and not use it, is considered a shameful thing. He encouraged Em to think seriously about her future and not just take easy options. Em listened intently and said she had no interest in making lots of money, rather she wanted to do something that helped people (ah yes, wonderful teenage idealism!). Well, said Yun, medicine is the best way of helping the most people. He talked about the needs in rural Australia, the needs amongst our indigenous population and the needs of those in third world countries. Em was sold.

Medicine has become her reason for studying, her end goal. That one career she'd always been adamant she didn't want to do. 

Smart kids are often told they should be doctors or lawyers and Em wasn't going to do something just because that's what's expected of her.  Something a little off beat is more her style. Though I have never suggested to Em that she should pursue either medicine or law,   Medecins San Frontieres is an organisation which comes up a bit in conversation in our house, as friends of friends work for it.  Yet in talking to Yun, Em claimed to have never heard of it!  Yep.  Her hearing is every bit as selective as the next teenager's. Anyway, now that she's actually allowed her ears to hear because it wasn't her mother's voice saying the words, Em wants to work for Medecins Sans Frontieres.  As a doctor no less. 

Oh, did I mention that the UAI required for medicine is like, 98.5 or above?

Yeah, says Em, that's achievable. And I guess it is. IF SHE WORKS! She's bright, but no-one gets these marks without working their butts off - not something Em's ever shown an inclination to do.

So here I am, the parent of a child with a heap of ability which she is combining with newfound ambition, and I feel afraid! Afraid of her failing. Afraid of her setting herself an unachievable dream. Afraid she'll get sick at important exam times. Afraid people will mock her for her lofty ambitions. Afraid she'll be left with egg on her face. Afraid she'll be disappointed. Afraid she'll hold onto the ambition only until the going gets a bit tough. Afraid she'll work herself into the ground and lose her gorgeous, easy-going nature. Afraid people will see me as a pushy parent. Afraid this current career thought will be as transient as others.   Afraid, afraid, afraid.

What's that all about? Am I really so afraid of my child failing that I don't want her to give it a go?

I've always downplayed my children's abilities as I've seen in my own family how academic achievement doesn't equate to success as a human being.  Being a decent person rates far more highly in my book. Yet that doesn't explain my fear.  Em has always received academic honours, yet I've never encouraged her to be academically ambitious.  I'm wondering now if it's because I have some deeply hidden thought that if she ever didn't achieve highly I could always say she didn't really try, while secretly harbouring the thought that if she'd tried she'd outshine everyone.  Perhaps I'm afraid that if she really gives this a shot and doesn't reach her goal I'll have some of my secret pride in her ability dashed.  Pride that is so secret I haven't acknowledged it to myself before this.

I think it's time I lost my fear and genuinely encouraged my Em to do whatever she wants.  Even if it is setting herself goals which will require hard work and discipline.  And which she may fall short of.

I think it's me that needs a stern talking to this time, rather than my teenager.

Revealing choices

The first 2 weeks of the new school year here in Oz are complete and everything is settling down.  Em, in her final 2 years of high school - the optional 2 years, the 2 years required for university entrance but not absolutely essential for a trade or a career in retail - has made her final subject changes and settled into her choices. 

Subject choices are fraught with so much angst! It seemed so much easier when I was observing other parents guide their teens through this. For students who know what they want to do as a career, the subject choices are based on the requirements for that career.  For students who are really good at particular subjects and have a real dislike for others, the choices may also be relatively straight forward.  For a student like my Em?  Well, it's difficult.  What would she like to do?  Electrical engineering, fashion designer, physical therapist, occupational therapist, psychologist, art therapist, farmer, theatrical costume designer, human rights lawyer...need I continue?  It's easier to list what she doesn't want to do (doctor, nurse, school teacher, corporate lawyer, clerk).

So what's she good at?  Um, everything.  Though she does have to put a bit of effort into maths and science, and it annoys her that the work doesn't come quite so naturally to her, so I guess they would have to be considered her weaker subjects, but she doesn't hate them and she does well in them.

Em is attending a school which only teaches Year 11 and 12, and as a specialist senior school is able to offer a wide subject choice and that hasn't made subject selection any easier.  After much thought and mind changing, she was left with an unavoidable clash between 2 subjects she really wanted to take, Textiles and English Extension.  English Extension is for English nerds, and is only open to students already studying Advanced English. (English is the only compulsory subject for Years 11 & 12, so the Maths/Science nerds take Standard English, the easiest option available.)  Em really enjoys Textiles and creating her quirky masterpieces, and if she is really serious about a career in fashion, Textiles is a  necessary subject. 

So, Textiles was her choice over English Extension.  Then she took the first Textiles class and found the teacher vague.  After that came her Advanced English class where the teacher asked for a show of hands from those also taking English Extension.  Em felt miserable at not being able to identify as an English nerd.  After thinking about it over night she went to the subject co-ordinator the next morning and switched from Textiles to English Extension and her relief was palpable, her rounded shoulders lifted and squared, her face beamed real, rather than make-do, happiness.

"Mum, I know how to sew and create things.  I'll keep doing that.  I won't lose that ability.  But when I lost my English nerd identity, well, I just felt, well, like I wasn't being me!"  was how Em explained it.

Em's subject choices also include Advanced Maths and Biology, as these leave the door open for most of the career choices she is considering with a Science requirement.  However with Society & Culture and both Modern & Ancient History thrown into the mix, her choices are definitely humanities based.

Em now knows she values being identified as an English nerd more than she values identifying as a purveyor of fashion. I guess this is one more step for her in narrowing career possibilities as well as revealing the depth of her passions to herself and gaining self-understanding.

I can't really believe that I stood back and let her work this one out for herself, only to have it settle in precisely the way I thought it should right at the beginning of the process.  Yep.  I'm gaining understanding too.

Drivin' Down the Road...

 

  (With apologies)

The time has come the mother said, to talk about many things, of driving tests and teenagers, and licenses and things.

Get the idea?  It's winter in New England and the time is running out on Abe's learner's permit.  Driving has never been a huge motivator for him, even though he is 18 now, but with his Dad not driving, I really need to have another driver in the house.

And with Abe away at boarding school most of the time, getting a driving test scheduled is pretty tight.  We (I) weren't able to book it so that Abe took his test through the driving school that he had used, so he had to go over with his Dad.  Oops.  One additional problem, testing is required to be performed in a car that has at least an emergency brake in the center console.  Quick- think about your car.  Where is the emergency brake?  It's probably a foot pedal on the floor.  Brrapp!  Wrong answer, as far as the Registry is concerned.  So Abe could NOT take the test in the car that he was most familiar with; we had to borrow a car from a friend.

The long and short story was that Abe failed the raod test the first time that he took it, primarily because the borrowed car was a lot more sensitive on the gas pedal than the family car.

Dad did not explode but I told him to go back into the registry and renew Abe's learner's permit.  Another oops.  In between the time that Abe got his permit and now, the rules of the game were changed to be more stringent.  So they would have to get Abe a brand new permit under the new rules and he'd have to go to driver's ed AGAIN, but even longer.  That isn't going to happen. 

So now it's try to schedule the test again within one month.  This time, we were able to schedule it to go with the driving school (much moola, though). And we hope for the best.

Up bright and early to try again.

Deep sigh.  He failed again.  Now I have to figure out when he's going to re-take it AGAIN.  After the test, he spent several hours driving me around.  If only, I can get him to take the test in the driving school car, but after several hours of driving me around.  Hmmmm.

Abe may not have been anxious to get his license, but let me tell you, little sister Rosie certainly is.  She has it all mapped out.  She'll take the 1 week class during next year's school vacation week in February and then right after that, she'll be 16 and eligible for her permit. Zoom, zoom and she's off!

(In her dreams!)

It's Bragging Time!

During the wonderful IEP meeting we had for Abe (see my previous post), I asked him whether he had gotten his SAT scores.  Abe took the test at his residential school, with breaks, over 2 days and with prompts read by the teachers in early October.  But Mom hadn't seen any results.

"Yeah", says Abe.  "So what are they?" "They were okay, but I don't remember."  But since we are sitting in the IEP meeting, someone jumps up to go get them.

Wow.  Mom is VERY pleased.  Critical reading (what used to be called English) is in the 90th percentile of all college-bound students.  Math (they haven't changed the name of that yet!) is in the 80th percentile.  Even the writing component is in the mid-40th percentile.  Considering that half of his IEP is all about the fact that he CAN'T write, this is amazing!!

But if so many college-bound kids are writing on Abe's level, there is a serious problem in modern education.

What a relief!

I heaved a big sigh and realized that a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  Our school district has agreed that Abe (PDD, ADHD..) is going to stay at his residential school through the NEXT school year.  In other words, his graduation date is set for June 2010 (instead of June 2009).

It's bittersweet, in a way.  In one way, Abe was looking forward to graduating, even while he was scared of what the next steps were going to be.  Now he and I have more time to determine what those next steps will be.

Abe just turned 18.

He is his own guardian, although he has agreed to joint responsibility for educational purposes.  I'm also getting a Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy.  He has agreed to that.  It doesn't ever get any easier, does it?