Mid-CenturyModernMoms

Other people's mess

Earlier in the year Em had a job as a pool attendant. By pool attendant the job description meant life saver. Em worked 9 hour shifts on weekends at an indoor pool ALONE. Yes, she holds the appropriate life saving certificates, but somehow I didn't feel right about a 16 year old being the sole staff member at the pool where lots of children are dropped off by their parents and left at the pool for hours at a time. It's tricky to be at the front counter taking money, selling sweets, swimming goggles and other miscellaneous items AND watching the children in the pool at the same time.

Anyhoo, after her boss yelled at her because a friend dropped in to see her the day after her friend Niel ended his life, I decided Em's career as a pool attendant should end.

As Em has become serious about her school work I've wondered how she'd fit another job in with study and her other commitments, which I think are more important than money she'll just fritter away anyway. (These commitments include her involvement in the Young Achievers Program, singing in an Accapella group, taking a leadership role in her church youth group, helping out with our church childrens' program and making incredible cup cakes for any occasion that comes along - weddings, birthdays, church social nights, teacher's requests for school events. Then there's being on the student council at school, promoting the Red Cross Blood Bank donation program........I'm sure your'e getting the picture.)

Until recently Em's had to walk across her piles of stuff on her bedroom floor to reach her bed; she's also a very messy cook - though she usually does an ok job of cleaning up after herself in the kitchen. I guess that's why she's found herself a new job she thinks is a perfect fit. Cleaning luxury holiday units!!!

Having spent a day in training, Em begins her new job on Friday - though she has told me she'd like a few more pointers on making beds with 'hospital corners', otherwise she's good to go.

I think this is a great job for Em, as it will only be holiday work and pays reasonably well for a teenager, but being a realist I'm not holding my breath for any changes on the home front!

Back to School Backpacks Show

Buying a backpack for school: it's not as simple as it sounds. Amigo is 17, a senior in high school, and he reads Braille. Braille books are big, much bigger than their print counterparts. His backpack needs to be large.

He reads Braille and he walks with a white cane. To ease his passing time from one class to another, he uses a backpack on wheels. One hand holds the cane out front, the other pulls the pack behind him.

He reads Braille, he walks with a white cane, and he uses the elevator. His backpack is always heavy, and it is always full. We spend more money than some families on the backpack because of the size factor and (drumroll) quality. He is hard on his backpacks, so a lifetime warranty is essential.

Two years ago, we sent his JanSport in for repair. He had worn through the straps. They fixed it, sent it back, and even sent us tips to prevent that problem from happening again. The backpack lasted a full year - and broke its zipper the last week of school. I had a plan: buy a new one, send this one in for repair and keep as back-up. Here is the actual list of events in the second episode of the Backpacks Show.

1. New backpack, allegedly same size as old, turns out to be slightly smaller, but still workable.

2. Workable - for a while. Within a month, Amigo pulls the main zipper off track, too many Braille books in the main compartment.

3. Mom puts zipper back on track - no permanent damage, he had simply overloaded it.

4. Mom expresses frustration: "Maybe you should just go to school with a suitcase!"

5. Amigo (thoughtfully): "That's not such a bad idea." And yes, he carries a carry-on size suitcase on wheels to school for the rest of the year, while his mother sets the two good backpacks aside and goes on with her life.

Then it was August, time for students in the U.S. to begin their new school year. Here's the script for the next episode.

1. Bring packs up from basement. Smaller one is in good shape, but probably won't hold his Big Braille Books.

2. Zipperless pack is musty from sitting in basement. Daisy washes it, leaves it on deck to dry in sun.

3. Murphy's law comes into play and it rains. Pours. Build-an-ark quantities of rainwater rinse the backpack thoroughly.

4. La Petite calls, "Mom, why is there a backpack in the bathtub?" Daisy answers, "Don't ask."

5. Daisy searches online for a replacement pack, finds one with a capacity slightly larger than original, orders it (on sale! with free shipping!) and treats herself to a cup of hazelnut coffee in celebration.

6. Daisy packs up the zipperless pack with repair instructions and addresses and other useful information, and mails it off to Everett, WA, coincidentally one of the main stops on her train trip in July.

7. The new backpack arrives, wheels and all, on the front porch of the O.K. Chorale (Daisy's house). The old one will be a back-up; the smaller one will simply be spare luggage.

8. Everyone is happy! At least until the next episode in...the Back to School Backpacks Show.

Visiting Day- continued

Last week I talked about visiting Rosie at her overnight camp- but from the perspective of before the visit.  Here's where you get to hear what really happened!

I got to see Rosie yesterday!!!   Yeah.  It had been 26 days since I had seen her.

I, of course, forgot to bring my camp with me, but here is a picture of her with some of her camp friends.

But first, I drove out to a cousin's house out beyond Amherst and stayed overnight.  The son, Ben, enjoyed having a new play buddy.  Ben gave up his room to me- but I understand that it wasn't a big loss since he got to sleep downstairs, something that he isn't normally allowed to do.  Nina welcomed me with lots of cut flowers from her garden- and I even managed to get some of them home with me the next day, and some others went to Rosie at camp.

I hadn't realized how far away from camp that they lived, but, on the other hand, that's the way that they come down to get on the Pike.  It was a lovely drive in the morning and easy on me since I just followed my cousin.  All 4 of us went to visit Rosie.

When we got to camp, we came in the back way to her bunk, but she had been out with some of the other girls looking the other direction.  I was afraid of getting knocked over when she came running up to me!!

Some of the sports facilities were open so we took Ben over to Rosie's favorite, the climbing tower.  He didn't get too far but had a lot of fun.  His mom was astonished that everyone was having so much fun.  Turns out that she had been looking for a camp for Ben, but since he's a lot like Abe was at that age (8), that was a hard thing to do.  Aaron had gone to Ramah at that age for their mini-session, so I mentioned that to her.  But in those 10 years, camp has gotten a lot better about dealing with kids on the "spectrum" and has set up additional programs for them.  So she briefly talked to 2 people about that and she'll talk to them more later.  My cousin had had such bad times at camp that he wasn't big on the issue of camp, but even he admitted that everyone- camper and counselor alike- all seemed to be having a good time.  It hadn't been my intention, but maybe we are starting another Ramah-nik!

I saw lots of friends, some who don't even have kids at camp anymore!   Then we went to Rosie's mandatory lunch at Friendly's with the cousins and then they went back home while we went to Wal-Mart for essential supplies (read- forbidden snacks).

The weather was gorgeous - warm and a breeze.  Rosie is getting 5 new people in her bunk next session, so I hope that she doesn't get someone with swine flu again!

Slave Labor

Abe is going to be a slave this summer.

Slaves cannot leave an employer or a territory without explicit permission.  This is a true statement that applies to this summer.

Forced labor is defined as "all work or service which is extracted from any person under the menace of any penalty and for which the said person has not offered himself voluntarily".  But this one ISN'T totally true because there was no menace of penalty, even though it certainly wasn't his idea- but he is game for it.

So what am I talking about???

Abe is going to be an unpaid intern at Brookfield Engineering.  This company is in the same town as his boarding school, and his therapist was working hard with this company in order to get them to offer internships to one or two students.  Brookfield normally only gives internships to college students, so this is really going out on a limb for them.  The fact that both of these boys are already 18 allowed their human resources department to okay it.

And the fact that mom uses Brookfield equipment in her lab at work doesn't hurt things either!  The therapist heavily dropped that fact while he was working at convincing the company.

It turns out that Brookfield already has some ties (in some unspecified way) to other people with Aspergers, so the fact of these kids' diagnosis actually didn't hurt the process!

So it's not definite yet.  But Abe may work 20 hours each week there.  The company usually pays its interns, so they are having some trouble working out that these kids CAN'T get paid.  It certainly is payment enough that they are learning to hold down a job, as well as a brownie point for their resumes.  But they may also get some payment in gift cards.  Abe would vote for one from Barnes & Noble.

One thing that Abe is going to have to get used to is dressing nicely- it's all business casual.  So I need to go get him some khakis or Dockers, some shoes that aren't sneakers (that is going to be hard on him) and some more polo shirts.  And he's going to have to make sure that the clothes aren't totally wrinkled.

Oh, mom is just kvelling over the idea.

It's all in the perspective

I've related here how my Davey has some issues with his bus travel.

As it turns out, 3 afternoons a week he needs to be home earlier than the bus can get him home anyway, in order to get to his afternoon activities on time.

I finish work at 3.30pm, Em who is on the same campus as me, finishes school at 4pm. Davey finishes at 3.15pm at a school about 15 minutes drive from our campus. For a while I tried picking Davey up, then racing back to pick Em up - a round trip of 30 minutes, but it didn't quite work. We ended up late, frazzled and generally grumpy. I felt like I'd ping-ponged across town, wasting fuel and time. Davey hated being the last kid left at school as I couldn't get to his school until almost 4pm and as he said, the same old men kept asking him if he'd missed his bus, and he kept telling them no, he was waiting for his mum. (These 'old men' are other wise known as concerned school teachers!)

My solution was to get Davey to catch a bus half way home. I'd stop stressing about trying to leave work on time (something I don't have a knack of doing), then read a book, or the paper, or daydream for 15 minutes or so while I waited for Em, we'd head towards home and pick Davey up on the way, arriving home at 4.15pm - earlier than the ping-pong method by about 10 minutes! Davey would have to wait for us at the half way bus stop for about 20 minutes, but as the bus stop is located at a corner store with a bench seat out the front, he said he wouldn't mind waiting there as interesting things happened - unlike school that just has old men asking if you've missed your bus! (Not interesting in a bad kind of way, in case you're worried! People he knows pop into the shop for milk and bread, friends walk their dogs past, other school buses drop students from other schools there. So, people watching for Davey it is. To sweeten the deal for Davey, I give him $1, 3 days a week to spend on lollies at the corner store, so he can munch while he people watches.

As Em started the car the other afternoon, to begin our journey home, she commented
"I don't really mind or anything, but it doesn't seem fair that Davey gets a bribe for being picked up at the corner shop".
Me: "Well, he is making it easier for me by waiting."
Em: "You've never bribed me to wait!"
Me: "You've never had to wait."
Em: "Davey doesn't have to either. He could catch the bus all the way home."
Me: "Yes, but the bus doesn't get him home in time for music or soccer."
Em: "It still seems as though you're babying him."
Me:(laughing) "You know it's actually you that I'm babying!"
Em:(shocked) "How?"
Me: "If I left work when I finish, I could arrive at the bus stop at the same time as Davey, pick him up and then keep going home. We'd be home before 4 o'clock. But then you would have to catch the bus all the way home and wouldn't get home until 5 and would have to walk up that steep hill. Davey is actually waiting at the shop so you get home at 4.15 rather than 5."
Em: (quietly) "Oh" (embarrassed giggle) "I hadn't thought of it like that."
Me: "Yeah, that's because you're the only only one not waiting in this transport equation!"

Drivin' Down the Road...

 

  (With apologies)

The time has come the mother said, to talk about many things, of driving tests and teenagers, and licenses and things.

Get the idea?  It's winter in New England and the time is running out on Abe's learner's permit.  Driving has never been a huge motivator for him, even though he is 18 now, but with his Dad not driving, I really need to have another driver in the house.

And with Abe away at boarding school most of the time, getting a driving test scheduled is pretty tight.  We (I) weren't able to book it so that Abe took his test through the driving school that he had used, so he had to go over with his Dad.  Oops.  One additional problem, testing is required to be performed in a car that has at least an emergency brake in the center console.  Quick- think about your car.  Where is the emergency brake?  It's probably a foot pedal on the floor.  Brrapp!  Wrong answer, as far as the Registry is concerned.  So Abe could NOT take the test in the car that he was most familiar with; we had to borrow a car from a friend.

The long and short story was that Abe failed the raod test the first time that he took it, primarily because the borrowed car was a lot more sensitive on the gas pedal than the family car.

Dad did not explode but I told him to go back into the registry and renew Abe's learner's permit.  Another oops.  In between the time that Abe got his permit and now, the rules of the game were changed to be more stringent.  So they would have to get Abe a brand new permit under the new rules and he'd have to go to driver's ed AGAIN, but even longer.  That isn't going to happen. 

So now it's try to schedule the test again within one month.  This time, we were able to schedule it to go with the driving school (much moola, though). And we hope for the best.

Up bright and early to try again.

Deep sigh.  He failed again.  Now I have to figure out when he's going to re-take it AGAIN.  After the test, he spent several hours driving me around.  If only, I can get him to take the test in the driving school car, but after several hours of driving me around.  Hmmmm.

Abe may not have been anxious to get his license, but let me tell you, little sister Rosie certainly is.  She has it all mapped out.  She'll take the 1 week class during next year's school vacation week in February and then right after that, she'll be 16 and eligible for her permit. Zoom, zoom and she's off!

(In her dreams!)

It's Bragging Time!

During the wonderful IEP meeting we had for Abe (see my previous post), I asked him whether he had gotten his SAT scores.  Abe took the test at his residential school, with breaks, over 2 days and with prompts read by the teachers in early October.  But Mom hadn't seen any results.

"Yeah", says Abe.  "So what are they?" "They were okay, but I don't remember."  But since we are sitting in the IEP meeting, someone jumps up to go get them.

Wow.  Mom is VERY pleased.  Critical reading (what used to be called English) is in the 90th percentile of all college-bound students.  Math (they haven't changed the name of that yet!) is in the 80th percentile.  Even the writing component is in the mid-40th percentile.  Considering that half of his IEP is all about the fact that he CAN'T write, this is amazing!!

But if so many college-bound kids are writing on Abe's level, there is a serious problem in modern education.

What a relief!

I heaved a big sigh and realized that a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  Our school district has agreed that Abe (PDD, ADHD..) is going to stay at his residential school through the NEXT school year.  In other words, his graduation date is set for June 2010 (instead of June 2009).

It's bittersweet, in a way.  In one way, Abe was looking forward to graduating, even while he was scared of what the next steps were going to be.  Now he and I have more time to determine what those next steps will be.

Abe just turned 18.

He is his own guardian, although he has agreed to joint responsibility for educational purposes.  I'm also getting a Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy.  He has agreed to that.  It doesn't ever get any easier, does it?

First Steps

Abe (almost 18 yo, PDD, ADHD, NVLD....) is taking his first steps.  (Okay, Ora has totally blown her mind this time.)  These are the first steps towards college.  And believe me, mom is much more worried than when he took those first steps 17 years ago!!

A few weeks back, Abe, along with many (all?) of the kids in his school took the SAT.  They all had time and other accomodations.  I know that his IEP talks about testing breaks, small group sizing, having someone re-read the question to him.  The only feedback that I got on this (from Abe) was that he didn't get too much done on the essay section.  This was definitely going to be his worst section, but supposedly FLC has been working on this skill......  The kids wasn't bummed out about it, but Mom is anxious to see the scores.

So now we've been to a "College Open House".  Abe isn't going to go to this school because while they have a great accomodations program (called PAL), it states upfront that it's geared for kids with learning difficulties and they don't want anything to do with kids with emotional issues. (Hrrumph)

But we had a really good day looking at the school.  There were times that I thought that it might work for Abe, but....  Actually, the bottom line is that they don't have any majors that turn him on.  And we had a nice day being together. 

There is a meeting a school in the coming weeks.  It's the annual IEP review, but also a transition planning meeting.  I hope that they come to the table with some good suggestions, because otherwise, it's all on Mom (of course).  Abe just wants to make the final decision but he wants mom to do all of the groundwork for him.  I'm working on getting an advocate to come with me because what I really want is for him to stay where he is for an additional year- and NOT graduate this coming year.

Abe is okay with this idea.  I think that he's scared out of his mind about going off to college.  Which, frankly, is a very mature attitude.

Rosie (14.5) is all ready to start picking out her eventual school right now- by herself.  I told her to back off until we have Abe into college.

As this blog reaches its 1st birthday, I look back over a lot of trials and tribulations to be at this point.  That is where there is still a lot of work to do for my kids, but they are starting to show signs of maturity and becoming "real" people that you'd like to be around.  In other words, though my teens make me tear my (thinning) hair out, I can proudly say that they are good kids! 

Let's have some cake to celebrate!

Like Son, Like Father

The leech and I (I'm randomizing names for my husband to fit my current mood) went to see a couples counselor the other night, as we are in the beginning stages of divorce.  Turns out that she actually won't work with us, since I'm not willing to talk about any reconciliation.  But that's a story for a different blog.

But this lady was totally on the ball and picked up on things that leech has, and that Abe (17 yo, NVLD, PDD, residential school) inherited from his father.  The dad that never admitted that HE has any of these problems! And she called him on it.

 

It has been apparent to me for a long time that Abe's problems are a more severe form of his father's problems.  But Abe's anger management issues are much more in control these days, while his dad's are much more OUT of control. They both have speech issues, while not the same, but exist in both of them. Dad is an out-of-control hoarder who is very OCD. Abe, who isn't quite out-of-control on his hoarding, has definite OCD issues as well. As I said, like father, like son. Except the father refuses to acknowledge that he has any problems with social skills, anger management, speech, etc. He also refuses to acknowledge that his son has special needs and has just, after many years of being on an IEP, has admitted that Abe is on the autistic spectrum. He says that it's just a label, and he doesn't use labels. OK then.

This counselor even asked dad what his SAT scores were- and basically diagnosed the non-verbal learning disability from the wide spread between the English and the Math scores (Math was 780).  Whereas my own scores were more equal, but higher in English. 

I see every day in Abe his inability to read other people. He doesn't recognize emotions, like most kids on the autistic spectrum. Abe doesn't talk much and never about his feelings, but he isn't really cognizant of other people's feelings other than anger. Anger he knows, mostly from his father. Like Abe, the leech really had no clue that I'd been unhappy or that he'd done anything drastically wrong. He completely missed every signal I've sent him over the past few years. He missed that we never speak unless it's to exchange information about bills or the kids or medical appointments. We don't talk, ever. He has no idea of my feelings. He has no idea of his own feelings outside of anger. Unfortunately, he modeled this for Abe, and because Abe is on the spectrum, he follows his father's behavior. When Abe was little it was more tolerable, but Abe is 17.5 and 250 lbs on his 6' frame. He's way too big to act like a tantruming toddler, just like dear old dad.

Abe doesn't really understand all about his disabilities- but that's okay for now.  He has a mother that gets it, and works hard for him.  And Abe is really trying, at least now that he's at his wonderful residential school.  He's more verbal, he's more demonstrative, and he's much much calmer. Instead of growling when he's asked to do a chore, he responds appropriately now. He's shown that consistent expectations and a consistent schedule work for him, something I could never get his father to understand. At residential placements, nobody undermines authority. They're all on the same page. But that was never true at our house, where Abe's father disagreed with everything I did, and even disagreed with doctors who tried to advise us about Abe's special dietary needs.

I'm committed to trying. I'm committed to working with the program and the experts to ensure that Abe can live the best life he can. But his dad sure doesn't even bother trying.  I just wonder how much he'll even bother to be involved with Abe once he has a place of his own and a new life to get used to. Hmmmm, I wonder if I could find a residential program for the leech?