Seething Anger to Snuggling

Here's a tale of angst and woe for anyone about to be raising a teenage daughter. I know you'll all thank me later on when your kid does something especially stupid and you remember that I told you to stand firm and do not engage. DO NOT ENGAGE. Deep breaths now.

So, my daughter has a boyfriend. She's been 'going out' with him for over a year now. Well over a year. I say 'going out' because I'd absolutely KILL HER if she actually did go anywhere with him. The boyfriend, he is scummy. I do not like him. I do not like his family. I like pretty much nothing about the whole clan. Long long story, but believe me, I have very good reasons upon which to base my dislike.

The Girl is not allowed to go anywhere with the boyfriend. He is not allowed over here ever. They see each other at school and when she can sneak out to see him by lying through her teeth that she's one place when actually she's with him. I catch her in those lies all the time. You know, the joy of parenting a teen. Truth is optional.

I try to restrict her access to him as much as possible. I do usually allow her to talk to him on the phone and I know she IMs him as well. But that's pretty much the allowable contact. I don't want to refuse him completely because that will make him too attractive to pass up. But I want to be sure that both of them know that I'm completely opposed to him being a part of her life. And know it they do.

While we're in Chicago at dinner, I catch her several times with the cell phone under the table, texting. We're in a crowd, I tell her to put the phone away and be polite. The teen sitting next to her is also texting, which didn't help matters much. I also ask who she is texting so ardently, and she tells me it's her girl friend J. I'm not going to make a scene, I just tell her to put the phone away.

Later that night after she's fast asleep and I've been laying awake for hours, the phone vibrates. I pick it up and it's her boyfriend. Mr Scumbag. Sending her some very disgusting porn-esque text messages with words like "my big throbbing cock" and "fingering your clit" in them. Oh man, I am seeing RED. I send him back a message saying that I'm the Girl's mommy and he is NOT to text this phone again. A few minutes later another TM, this time from one of the Girls scummier female friends, asking if she still has her phone. I reply back "no, and do not text this phone again."

When the Girl gets up I ask her casually about the TMs. "Who were you texting?" I ask, and she again tells me J, and then adds her other scummy friend S. I say "And who else?" and she admits that she TMed her boyfriend...once.

Bingo, I've got her cold. I tell her that she's sent 45 TMs to the boyfriend, and he's sent 46 back. None to either friend. I tell her that the content of boyfriend's TMs is unacceptable. I'm not happy.

We go about our day, and after arriving back in Boston I lay down some new rules.

• She is not to answer the house phone...ever. I will answer the phone and decide who she can talk to.
• She is not allowed to make calls. If she wants to call a friend, I'll dial the phone. She can talk to any of her friends as long as I dial the phone.
• She cannot speak to anyone unless she is on the same floor that I'm on. No more taking the handset up to her room for the night and talking away the evening with her scummy boyfriend.

Her initial response to these rule changes was extreme anger. She was furious. Beside herself with rage. She didn't speak to me for two days except to scream at me. This is a stubborn kid and she was sure that with enough rage I'd back down. Heh. Not gonna happen.

So this afternoon she came into my room and started yet another argument over the same topic, only this time she got that not only was I not to back down, but the rules really weren't all that bad. She could see friends, she could talk to friends. All I was asking is for her to allow me to control just who she was contacting.

She admitted that she lies and isn't trustworthy. She admitted that she sneaks around. She admitted that I had a point about the TMs. In fact, she sort of admitted that this was, in a way, a decent way to handle things and that I wasn't being unnecessarily evil. This is a big step for her.

I let her go visit a friend for a couple of hours and she came home early.

But the miracle? She's not mad at me any more, and she's following the rules to the letter. I'm answering the phone, I'm controlling who she can and can't talk to, and that's OK. I let her IM tonight and I'm sure she told scummy boyfriend the rules too, because he didn't call tonight. He calls EVERY freaking night. Ugh. But not tonight! Yahoo.

Before she went up to bed she lay down next to me on the sofa and snuggled.

We're OK again. We weathered a storm, we worked together, she compromised for probably the first time in her life, and we're going to do things the way I want them done without sneaking around.... at least for a while.

Meanwhile, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown because we did this all by ourselves. I think we're both growing up!

Comments

[Emma kw]

My first thought " OMG, get this girl on the pill NOW" before scuzball gets her pregnant. Second thought " that may be the green light they need, although the Text messages suggest they are already having sex"
Stay strong - but please talk to her about your fears before it is too late - and if she's underage maybe a reminder to scuzball that he could be charged with statutory rape????
Or move out of state, to the other side of the country !! :-)

[Michelle]

My son is about to turn 15. He's been a bit of a recluse lately (home-schooling this year, but we're still trying to sort out how that works). His entire life is currently online and we're concerned that his fantasy world has bled over to his perception of reality.

Especially when it comes to blatant lying, in your face, without a concience - my partner's convinced it's because he can't differentiate between the real and virtual worlds.

Truth is I don't know how to handle that one.. nor how to fix it.

This post gave me hope that perhaps we can get it right after all.

[Kel]

Even though I am years away from raising a teen myself I watch in horror as my sister navigates thru it. I however have the only girls in the family so have no one to preface it against.

Thanks for the post, it gives me hope that I'll too survive it.
~K

[ame i.]

Oh Cheez! That s.o.b. would be wearing his azz as a hat!
My day is coming. I should go ahead and start saving for bail money. DD10 is 5 feet tall and wearing a 32B.

[Kalynne Pudner]

I'm thinking of showing this post to my 16-year old daughter, with whom we had a series of incidents almost scary in their similarity. But after the eventual admissions, the tear-stained letter apologizing and taking responsibility, the renewed trust and honesty...we find she's lying and sneaking around again. Telling her friends that she completely fooled her stupid parents with the phony repentance.

We're pretending to her that we haven't caught on...while we stall for time to figure out what to do next.

Ideas?

[margalit]

Emma, she's been on BC for quite some time, due to some very weird irregularities she's had with her menses. She's seeing a GYNO, she's very clear on sex (and yes, they're doing it... but I can't figure out exactly where and when), she's taken a class sponsored by Planned Parenthood on sexual relations, and best of all, we're VERY open and honest about sex in our family. It's never been a taboo topic so she does talk to me about it. Often.

And she's had her gardasil shots.

[margalit]

Kalynne, I wish I could tell you that the lying will get better, but it won't. It's VERY age appropriate, and if you have a kid like mine, who sneaks around and only tells half the truth, the best thing you can do is to watch her online very carefully. That's where I glean a large %tage of my knowledge about what's going on. The kids on Facebook aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree, and often leave up photos of parties and other incriminating evidence.

I cannot believe I'm encouraging you to spy on your kid, but it works for me!

[Daisy]

It's got to be tough on you to have to go to the extra trouble to screen her calls. I hope she comes around eventually -- for her sake and for yours.

[suburbancorrespondent]

I'm all for the spying. 2 years ago, I would have said, "No wonder she sneaks around and picks friends you don't like! You're too controlling!"

I'll wait a second here for you to stop laughing, okay? I thought you needed some cheering up, anyway.

It is really scary all the trouble teens can get into these days, and how easily they can sneak around. We all just have to do the best we can to put strict boundaries on their activities and show them we mean it. But it doesn't guarantee they won't get in trouble, does it? And then people blame us for being too strict.

[Emma kw]

Good for you - I really don't understand parents who would rather stick their heads in the sand than admit their teens could be sexually active! And as for the idiots who think that the Gardisil shot means their daughters will think its OK to sleep around - well, all I can say, as someone who had a large chunk of cervix removed last year, shame on you - do you refuse to let your kids get Tetnus boosters because it'll make them stick rusty nails in their hands?? AAAAgh
Stay strong, there's a good chance she'll see the light, and come back to you...

[Zayna]

Okay, a thought...how is sneaking around these days...in the age of cell phones...easier than when we were kids?

Could our parents really have controlled us the way we are able to control our kids?

And is it really for their own good, or merely for own peace of mind?

Seriously, when your parents had no idea where you were and had no way of checking up on you...how much trouble did you get into?

Not enough to keep you from raising a decent family? Right?

Or were they wrong to trust you and you're hiding some deep dark secret?

[Zayna]

That wasn't meant for the author of the post specifically, just a general comment.

Sorry if it came across as attacking...I'm really just wondering if we all turned out okay, how come we go to such great lengths to "make sure" our children will also.

[Lynn]

I don't think we really control our kids much more than our parents did. Cell phones for keeping track of your kids is a myth (unless you have built in GPS). Kids tell you were they are at -- but they can (and will) lie. My oldest son's Indian girlfriend lied to her parents all the time when she was at my house (she wasn't allowed to date non-indian boys). Many parents I know have a false sense of security about where and what their kids are doing because of cell phones. I think it can be easier to sneak around with a cell phone, especially if the parents are less techno savvy than the kids.

Plus, all the different technology avenues to communicate with other teens and adults, require some level of supervision today. We didn't have those back in the day. My parents still supervised length of phone calls and time of day for calls.

I think its important to our kids that they know how we want them to behave and what is acceptable/non-acceptable behavior. Even when they choose to act otherwise, they know we care and want is best for them. That goes a long way to make sure they will grow up okay.

Lynn

[margalit]

Zayna, I can only speak for myself here, but my parents were complete morons when it came to parenting us 4 kids as teens. They had NO CLUE as to what was going on, nor did they really care. They were very hands off parents, and actually we were raised more by our nanny than my parents.

That being said, I was the kid you would absolutely HATE to parent. Drugs, sex, skipping school, taking the car without permission, you name it, I did it... a lot. I was a HORRIBLE teenager and I grew up in the 60's in LA where being a troublesome teen was very dangerous.

So I'm very aware of when my kids are lying and sneaking around and when they're not. I know the cell phone tricks, I know the computer tricks, and mostly I'm one step behind them trying to catch up all the time.

But my kids HAVE been in serious trouble, have been involved with the police a couple of times, and even with my best efforts are often a bit out of control, like a lot of the other kids in our town. Unfortunately we live in a place with two income parents in high powered careers who are rarely home and have no idea what their kids are up to.

My daughter's boyfriend is from a family like that, with two VERY wealthy career parents who work 14 hours/day, are never there for their kids, push a lot of money on them, and then wonder why their son is always in trouble for drugs and their daughter is pregnant at 16. It's such a mess. I'm sure they are nice people, but they abandoned those kids and now they are reaping the consequences.

But I don't want MY kid to have to deal with their parenting style. It's too dangerous. And things are a LOT harder these days than when I was a kid, less safe now with many more tantalizing things to get in trouble with.

[concerned]

I can not believe you are willing to exploit your daughter like this.
You will write ANYTHING if it gets you more hits and comments. But by quoting those text messages, you sank to a whole new low.

[Insane Mama]

I am completely baffled by my teenager and I am taking ANY and ALL advice

[not concerned at all]

Has "concerned" read your blog !?! You adore your children and put them before everyone and any thing. You work and pray for their well being ,happiness and success .I don't know you except for following your blog but I just have to say, a big fat thank you for keeping it real.The Moms ,Dads who read what you quoted, I hope know ,what really goes on today with most teens .Keeping their heads in the sand wont cut it anymore. Frank conversation and honest posting is in my opinion what we are all looking for.It makes those searching for honesty in parenting ,to feel a kinship and comfort.Saying that you were doing it for hits on your blog is insulting and lacks compassion and understanding. Read between the lines desensitizing ourself to the quote can only help others to be understanding and willing to stay approachable when "kinda clueless" mom accidently reads an aim messege full of cybering! keep it real and believe me NO one who reads your blog would think that of you.

[margalit]

Concerned. If you used a real name attached to real contact information, I might take your words seriously. Since you don't, or won't, I couldn't care less what you have to say. I'm SO not exploiting my daughter, I'm telling exactly what happened last weekend, and how we resolved the problem. If you honestly believe that's exploitation, well then I know a nice bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in purchasing. Geesh.

Banned!

[Di]

I think "concerned" WAS your daughter. Sorry...I have a 14 year old, so I know there's nothing we can't rule out when it comes to our daughters!

I usually don't read the comments before I comment, but I knew there would be people who would admonish you for "spying." I admire your willingness to not turn a blind eye to what is going on and to stick to your guns on an unpopular punishment. We are here to raise our children to adulthood, NOT to be their best friends. Whether or not they like us should not even enter into the equation.

Everyone who reads this post with interest should invest in the book, The Price of Privilege. It has some really interesting insights into raising kids in this day and age. I didn't write it or anything...didn't want you to think this was shameless self-promotion. I did review it if anyone is interested:

http://www.liveandletdi.com/my_weblog/2007/06/the_price_of_pr.html

[Penelope]

Wow this is a tough one. My daughter is 12 and I have to say that apart from her hand written diary I am all over her online stuff/mobile phone/land phone. Personally I think thats what comes with responsible parenting.
Having said that, we are very open about everything in my house, no subject is off limits from her or her 14 year old brother, and so far there haven't been any problems.
If I thought for a moment that there was anything going on that I didn't approve of I would do exactly as you did. I would have actually taken the mobile phone away all together, but I'm just damn mean ;o)
Good luck with keeping this on track - I think you're doing everything you can that's good and right, for what it's worth :o)