The Word for the Day is: Selfish

I’m going to say something to you parents out there, and it may come as a bit of a shock, but remember, everything I say I say with love.

What I’m going to say to you is this:

Be selfish. Forget the kids. Think about yourselves.

I realize these are uncomfortable sentiments to hear. Unpopular, even. Just uttering them will probably result in my lifetime PTA membership being revoked.

But they are important and necessary and some day you will wish you had heeded them.

Because some day, you will be sitting at home on a Saturday night watching reruns of “Flip This House” while your kids are out doing whatever they fancy because they have been selfish all along. And you’ll say to yourself, “Oh! This is what Melanie meant!”

Kids grow up, you see. And move on. And leave you – alone.

My family just returned from a weekend together; my brother got married for the first time at the ripe old age of 50 (who says middle-aged love isn’t possible??), and we journeyed to Minneapolis for the wedding. On Friday we woke up my younger son – he’s a high school junior – and shoved him in the car, then we drove a couple of hours to pick up our older son from college, and we had a little family road trip. It was lots of fun; the boys were joshing each other and requiring massive quantities of junk food and playing their music too loud on the radio. Just like every other family road trip we’ve ever taken.

The whole weekend was fun; it was lovely to be with family, the happy couple looked, well – happy, and again, my boys were just perfectly delightful company. We had an equally jolly road trip back, then we dropped off the older one and the younger one bade us farewell the minute after we pulled into the driveway. He hadn’t seen his girlfriend in a few days and they had plans, you see.

And all of a sudden it was just me and my husband. Together. Alone. 

The thing about raising kids is - you cannot become used to the fact of your togetherness. Because it necessarily has to change as these children, into whom you have poured your heart and mind and wallet in order to make sure they grow up healthy and happy do just that. They grow up. Healthy and happy and eager to pursue their own lives. 

But since you – the unselfish parent – have not done that, you’re left a little bewildered and a lot sad and wondering if maybe, just maybe, you should have thought of the kids a little less, and yourself a little more.

And you know what? You should have.

Our parents did. Remember them? Remember the Sixties, when children were left alone, left to hang out in the basement untended (where we usually did stupid things like see how many rusty nails we could shove up our noses, or throw things into the sump pump to see if they would float), while the parents all got together and did the Twist and drank cocktails and basically did grown up things? 

But our generation was different (maybe it was all those rusty nails?); we worked more, we invented the phrase “quality time,” and we spent every spare moment with our kids. I know my husband and I did; our weekends were full of soccer games and family game nights and movie matinees (God, how I regret some of those; raise your hand if you suffered through “Space Jam” more than once.). 

Our friendships with other adults were mainly limited to other soccer parents, room parents; we had nothing in common with most of them save for the fact that we all had procreated more or less at the same time, and in the same geographical area. 

But now the soccer games are over, and we have neglected to cultivate friendships with people we actually like, actually share interests with. And so we sit at home on Saturday nights watching reruns of “Flip this House” while our kids are out partying and I say to myself, “This is so unfair.”

We’re trying to rectify this. Fortunately, my husband and I like each other, so there’s a start; at least we have each other. We’re also trying to be more social, initiating parties and activities and trying to get to know neighbors, reconnect with relatives and friends, who do not have children, and it’s been surprising. There are some pretty neat people out there who have never heard of Bozo Buckets. Who knew?

But it’s hard, you know. Hard, when you’re in your forties.  It’s hard to put aside your insecurities which, after all, are pretty well entrenched by now, and reach out to other people. 

But it’s necessary. And the sooner you start, the easier it will be.

Which is why I’m telling you now – stop thinking about the kids! Stop planning your life around them! Stop making them your best friends. Because for sure, there will come a time when they will stop planning their lives around you. 

And then where will you be?

Trust me. You can only watch so many episodes of “Flip this House” before you want to take a hammer to your television.

Because those people are absolute idiots.

Comments

[Debbie]

AMEN. I find myself sitting here friggin miserable because my "only son" is planning to go in the Air Force. He see's it's breaking my heart and he's basically saying he knows my life has revolved around him, but it's time for me to adjust and him get on with his. WTH? This has come as a complete shock to me and it's my own damn fault. I don't even have hubby here!

Duh...was I wrong to expect him to stay nearby and have his life? Maybe a few grandkids? Obviously so.

I agree with this post tremendously!

[melanielynnehauser]

That's the thing about kids, Debbie; they do not plan the rest of their lives thinking about us. Yet of course - that's exactly how we've planned the greatest part of our lives.

Which one of us, then, is miserable when this break occurs? So maybe acting a little selfishly, earlier on, will help parents make this transition into the rest of their lives - which hopefully is a good long time - much easier.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Let's hear it for selfish parents! Did you see the article in one of the British newspapers on Idle Parenting? There's a link to it on my blog.

[Zayna]

"Space Jam" - Hahaha, guilty as charged...I HATE that movie.

This is something I'm going through right now. Oldest is 19, youngest is 12 and neither of them (after all my devotion and dedication) have little use for me.

Thanks for the kick in the pants to get out there and start a life of my own.

SuburbanCorrespondent - Actually I read that article on your site and I loved it. Sent Hubby to read it too.

Great Post Melanie.

[amy a.]

I'm beginning to see this already and my oldest is only 15.

One problem - you have to convince other parents that their children will be alright long enough for us to go have a coffe together. I should send this article to all my friends.

[Gail Clark]

I was smiling as I read this, as our last "baby" is also a junior with his own wheels and a very active social life. He still hangs out with us some, going to dinner and frequently to movies, as the three of us often want to see the same thing. See, the problem here is that we actually really, really enjoy his company, enjoy talking and laughing with him. He and I watch Lost, and The Office, weekly together, along with American Idol (which dad abhors). We share things, not because I wheedle him to, but because he actually likes to hang out with us. When he goes out, my husband and I enjoy doing things together, and we have plenty of friends, so we won't be lacking a social life when he leaves home in a year and a half or so. But, he will leave a big gap in the rhythm of our home, just because we like hanging out with him. We will miss going to three or four movies together in a week like we did last Christmas. We will miss sitting around the living room watching one of our favorite movies together and quoting all the lines. We will miss laughing and poking fun at each other the way we do. We will miss his friends too, as our home is a frequent hangout due to us having a pool and a gameroom equipped with foosball and a big screen TV for Guitar Hero and other XBox activities. Yeah, it's not that we won't have anyone to hang out with, we will just miss having HIM to hang out with. My husband has joked for many years that he is moving off to college when Curly Boy (that's my nickname for him since I love that everyone here has nicknames for their kids) moves away. Sometimes I think I might join them . . .

[zoe]

another point i would like to add is that if you take some "me" time, you will be a happy, well-adjusted individual. And don't children (and spouses) love to see you happy and well-adjusted?

z

[mary ann]

PLEASE, PLEASE be selfish! It's the paradigm in my family, and our parents are so well adjusted even though my cousins and I have left the nest. Not all of my friends can say the same for their parents.

Go to happy hour! Take a day trip with your girlfriends. Send your kids to overnight summer camp and go on vacation. If you live somewhere that the public bus is an option, let your kids get themselves to or from their activities sometimes, because you're too busy. Demonstrate independence. Your kids will be really grateful when they get to college, and they don't have to worry about you.

[melanielynnehauser]

My kids frequently tease me that I don't "have a life" - and while they are teasing, there's some burden there, too, I think. It's hard enough for them to go off on their own; if they feel guilty because, prior to this, they never saw US going out and having fun without them, it's going to be another burden they don't need at this age. They SHOULDN'T be worried about poor Mom sitting home alone.

So if we show them, before they leave, that we won't be sitting home alone, I think it sends them off with one less burden.

It's good to enjoy our kids' company; but even as much as they seem to enjoy ours during these home years, the truth is once they leave they will quickly replace us with someone else. Which is only natural and right. I just think that there is a danger in what seems to be a current trend, in thinking of our children as not just our children but our friends, too. That's an additional, complicated relationship when the parent/child relationship is tricky enough. I love my sons' company - but they can't be my only friends, too. That's not healthy for either of us.

[justmylife]

It has been so long since I put myself first, I really don't know how to. I need some me time. Thanks for giving me "permission" to give myself a little me time.

[Florinda]

This SO needs to be said, and I hope it's heard by the parents that really need to hear it; those with younger kids, the ones in the midst of losing themselves and in danger of surfacing in a few years wondering what's next.

My parenting philosophy is that we're raising future adults, and that they're SUPPOSED to move on without us. But if we do it well, we'll still want to spend time with each other, as Gail mentioned in her comment. But while we're preparing them, we need to prepare ourselves too, and I think that's where what you're calling "selfishness" kicks in, Melanie.

As you mentioned, our parents didn't center their lives on us the way we have on our kids - and I think most of us turned out OK anyway. :-) Great post - thanks!

[Daisy]

It was easier to find "me time" when we qualified for respite care. Anyone know a good sitter for a disabled 16-yr-old who can't stay alone?

[melanielynnehauser]

One of the comments my husband - or maybe it was me, I can't remember! - made when our older son went to school was, "We spent his entire life preparing him for this moment, but we totally forgot to prepare ourselves."

And that was so true, and has really resonated with me.

I think we're finally learning to redirect all that energy and emotion that we poured into raising our kids into reaching out and making new friends and relationships. But it really takes an effort; I can see how it would be easy, sometimes, to just stay home and be sad and miss the kids. But we're really making an effort not to do that.

Daisy, the thing about this site is that we all have different issues, don't we? And that's the thing - I do know how lucky I am to have this 'problem' of independent young adults.

But I think, even with all our differences, one thing is common - there's a time when we need to think of ourselves, and that time is now!

[Laura Benedict]

Oh, you're right, Melanie, and I'm so, so guilty of not having a life! It's only going to get worse when Pom goes off to college in two years and leaves us sitter-less with a ten year-old. I'm such a worry-wart that I hate to leave them alone even now. But Pom is sixteen and has a boyfriend. She's busy without us already!

P and I are always saying that we don't drink enough. Perhaps we need to start. I love your memories of our very similar parents--and, darn, didn't they look cute when they went out, or dressed up and had friends in? My parents even had a convertible for a while, clever things.

Whiskey Sours for everyone!

[Lynn K.]

Hubby always says he can't wait for the girls to be on their own so we can be alone. Alone? With him? I haven't been alone with him for 19 years. I don't know if I know how to anymore.....it's funny how the kids come along and take priority. I didn't mean to let us take second place. It just happened. Thanks for the reminder to start preparing for the future now. Afterall, my goal in life is to send my kids out on their own and watch them become independent and happy adults. So they won't need me....I just have to find myself, so I won't need them to be me.

[Jerri Ann]

Apparently I had a fear of this because I, I am almost 40 and my kids are still so young that I have to make them my focus and when they are old enough to run off into the night, I'll be so senile, I won't remember it.

Great read! My dad was great at this, my mom, not so much. She built her life around me and my dad continue to live his own life even though I was there. He loved me just as much. And, I didn't love my mother more for making me the center...just made me spoiled! Again, great read!

[angel]

having alway nbee a single mom, i found it unbelievably hard to be selfish... but i am and have worked at it, and intend to continue working at it.

[amy]

I love this post. Th

[amy]

Whoops, I meant to say thanks for writing it and for the comments too. Especially enjoyed the idle parenting article!

[donna]

Maybe it's the next generation, or maybe it's just me; but, I'm all for caring for self first. I base it on the belief if I'm 'no good than I'm no good for anybody'; but it's mostly because I'm selfish.
My husband and I both believe that our job as parents is to feed, clothe, shelter, and protect our kids - nothing more.
Yeah, we're both selfish that way
(BTW, I think he's considered from your generation)

[Nancy Ford]

My oldeset is 19 still living at home and going to community college. Youngest is 15. Love them both to death, glad they're still here...BUT I have been negligent in allowing them to think that they are the most important people in the universe.

This week I turned 49 and I don't expect expensive items or anything to overt.
However, when it came time to open " presents" I got a lovely bracelet that said "mom" that in fact my hubby had picked out, paid for and had them sign the card. I also got a heart thing for a collection I have that my mother had picked out, paid for and had them give to me from them.

It was very hard not to sound ungrateful but I did express surprise -since oldest son could certainly have driven both of them to a store and they could have at least bought there own card.

I have decided that my problem lies in the fact that there have been many many years of my husband and I not buying for each other because money was tight and we made an agreement that at Christmas and birthdays we would just buy for the boys.
Evidently they now view us as some strange people who don't like to get presents.... things are going to change. I think I will also require them to buy presents for all of their grandparents who have also spoiled them to death over the years !