Normally I am a quiet, understated, and overall kindly person. Four or five days a month? A transformation occurs. That PMS thing I so loved to mock when I was a young and symptom-free woman? It's hit with a vengeance these last few years.
Coming as it has so late in the game, I am mature enough that I don't take it out on the people around me. I just get quieter, following my gran's sage advice, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Quiet, but not silent. I mutter. Quietly. When I'm alone. Mutter, mutter, mutter. One day I will be that crazy old woman, muttering on the bus. Because LORD KNOWS I'll have had the practice...
It's Sunday of a weekend when the stepkids have been here, bringing the household total of teens to six(ish). Join with me, if you will, on a pre-menstrual, muttered, tour of my home.
What moron left a kleenex in their pocket?
My, GOD, look at these underwear. That girl's ass is IMMENSE.
Three odd socks. Again. Bah.
Why am I the ONLY person who ever notices the Britta needs to be refilled? Ever?
Another damned puddle by the fridge! God, I wish we could afford a new one. Who has been using their socks to wipe up the fridge puddle? And if they want to do that, can't they put the sock in the laundry? And why only one sock? Which ridiculous child is walking around wearing one sock? And when I find you, you little cretin...
What is wrong with the couch cushions? Why are they askew like that? Ah. Because we are storing dirty socks under there. Of course!
What is that stench? Ah. Why did I ever agree to a hamster? 'It's okay, mummy. I'll keep it clean, I promise.' HA.
For the love of Pete. Is the six feet to the kitchen sink too far to take the dirty plates?
Why is there a sock in this glass? Why? Who puts a sock in a glass half-full of water? WHO DOES THAT???
Is is truly that difficult to place shoes on the rack rather than kick them off in a heap? It couldn't be that hard, since someone's managed to get a sock on one shelf. Two socks. No, three.
When do teenagers' feet stop growing? Any why do they stink so frikking much?
Why are there socks on the shoe rack?
What the *%$ is this, a breeding program for towels?!? Must be, and here's how: Place damp towels on bathroom floor, at least four to a heap, making sure to leave the light on and fan off for maximum growth, and a couple of dirty (and odd) socks as fertilizer.
Who didn't pull the shower curtain to? Not to worry, though - all those towels and socks are sucking up the excess, no problem.
Do they not realize what the strainer is for? So why is it on the side of the tub and I'm pulling foot-long hanks of slimy hair from the drain?
Can they not, even once, leave the frakking seat DOWN?
And put the new roll ON the spindle, not perched precariously on the side of the sink, where it will almost certainly fall into the toi -- damn! Where it now floats alongside someone's purple toothbrush. Lovely. You know what? I think I'll just put the toothbrush back in the cup and say nothing. Serve 'em right.
I'm speechless. Nothing to be done but close the door. And turn off the damned lights!
WHERE is the garbage can? Who walked off with the garbage can from MY bedroom? And WHY?
Why is there a dirty sock on my pillow? Whose is it?
Children. Who'd want to have children? Biology's a bitch. That damned biological imperative, I tell you...
AND WHAT IS WITH THE FRIKKING SOCKS EVERY FRAKKIN' WHERE???